HEAVY METAL - 2000
Lions Gate Films
Rated: France: -12 / Germany: 18 / USA: R |
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For those of you who may have seen HEAVY METAL and
are thinking, "Cool! The sequel is finally out!" prepare to
be disappointed. Whatever Eastman and company were doing for the past
4 years, they weren't making a good movie. They had 5 screenwriters on
this one, the job of three of them, it seems, was to completely fuck Simon
Bisely and Eric Talbot's graphic novel MELTING POT to screwed blue hell.
I'm not saying that HEAVY METAL was an outstanding
movie, but for all its setbacks, the damn thing still ROCKED!
HEAVY METAL 2000 has more violence, far more animated nudity and yet, EVEN
WITH THAT, is still one of the most boring pieces of shit that I have
ever wasted my life watching!
HOW
CAN YOU MAKE NUDITY AND VIOLENCE BORING??? HOW???
Kevin Eastman apparently knows how.
The movie drags its sorry ass for a good 10 minutes before anything you could
call "action" finally happens. When it does, we don't even get
the kind of violence that you would see in TeeVee animations like BEAST WARS,
STARSHIP TROOPERS (the animated series), or even REBOOT!
No,
we get shuttle pictures of folks in slow motion with brown fluid coming
out of their bodies and expressions on their face that make them look
more like they are going to beddy bye than actually dying. The colors
are largely very muted in HEAVY
METAL 2000: dull brownish hues in pastel.
The story line is a simple retelling of the Taarna segment (the
last story) of the original HEAVY METAL movie. A warrior gets a
green glowing crystal (shard instead of the whole
orb this time, oh, the originality!), lays waste to some local
yokels while looking for immortality, and gets chased after by a sexy
warrior woman bent on revenge.
Only in this retelling, the warrior woman gets assistance from a number of
cutesy characters. Oh joy and merchandising! Somebody crack the whip on
those kids in China! We need McFarlane Toys for this one!
Another way this movie stinks raw is the music. While Mike Oliveri came away unimpressed
with the HEAVYMETAL 2000 soundtrack, I've been playing it to death. Remember how the music in HEAVY
METAL blasted out, setting the mood of every scene (theatrical
release, not the toothless video)? In this movie, the music is
muted. AGAIN! MUTED! It's all in the dim background!
The computer animation is good - nothing exceptional - you'll see better in
most commercials, but it's good. The cell animation, on the other hand,
is cheap choppy crap that even Hanna Barbera wouldn't try to get away
with at their worst!
DAMN but this movie is awful! It gives HEAVY METAL a bad name! I hate this
crap! Kill This Movie Before It Breeds! KILL IT!
This review copyright 2000 E.C.McMullen Jr.
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