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Review by
E.C.McMullen Jr.

A few early digital morph effects and one transformed astronaut later, the spacecraft is lost. Meanwhile we cut to a swamp. A guy and a girl watch the ship crash to earth and explode, which makes them want to have sex.

Nice tits. Do we have to go back to the monster movie? Fred insists. Oh well.

Actor Joe Estevez (brother of Martin Sheen), bumbles through the movie while making a speech and sometimes, being in two places at once as he is both in the swamp and back before the cameras making a speech. One good thing about Joe is that he sounds EXACTLY like Martin. It's unintentional humor at its best.

A shadow on the crashed spaceship. It looks like THE alien because, yep, this is another ALIEN rip-off movie: Only in the category of WORST ALIEN rip-off movies.

Despite the monster, the nudity, and explosions, DARK UNIVERSE is a craptacular yawnfest, care of director Steve Latshaw (also produced by) who went on to grow and direct movies like, BIOHAZARD: THE ALIEN FORCE and JACK-O.

Upon seeing the movie, you won't believe that it was actually written, since it looks like so much cinematic goulash. But it was and Patrick Moran (also produced by) gets the credit. You may know Patrick from movies like BIOHAZARD: THE ALIEN FORCE and JACK-O.

For some inexplicable reason, the movie keeps cutting back, for all of its 90 minutes, to Joe Estevez character of Rod Kendrick making a vainglorious speech about the crash and how we, as a people, will endure. Yeah, well no shit hayseed. You crashing your Monster Truck Spaceship won't bring the world to its knees, buck-a-roo.

Fred Olen Ray gets executive producer credit, which means he probably ponied up the money, which means he likely gets 50% of the profit, whatever that is. So Steve and Patrick may have made squat on this film, but at least they got a nifty demo reel out of it to show off their talent, right?

Cut to two people who can't act. They are afraid of something and say something to the effect of (I didn't memorize this and please don't ask me to watch it again); "You go that way and I'll go this way." Always a bad idea to divide your forces. Either way they get killed. We are less than ten minutes into the movie and two wildly disparate things have happened - not even the most tenuous of threads to connect them.

We cut to a group of people in a DAMNATION ALLEY vehicle (or ARK II if you are a late seventies Saturday morning TeeVee weenie), rumbling through the desert. They have to get to shelter before the "Ion storm" hits (whatever the hell that is). They make their way through the desert, bitching and sniping at each other all the way to pass for character development (this goes on for an unreasonably long time, without let up, through the entire movie); pick up a hitchhiker; make it to a science lab; find out that something big and deadly is roaming the halls of said lab and killed everyone off.

We're trapped between a monster and an ion storm! What to do?

They all split up to make their way through the science station, bitching and sniping at each other all the way to pass for character development.

Now for the standard Fred Olen Ray lesbian shower scene. Yes, I know, these people are fully aware that they are in the very heart of death, dead bodies everywhere, but they are still going to shower and have softcore lesbianism. This is handled late night Cinemax style by the nicely streamlined body of Brinke Stevens (43 at the time and still looking good!) and the buxom body of J.J. North.

One of their number gets killed off by said monster. Now it's time for a VHS tape left behind by the scientists which will explain what the monster is. It's a freakin' monster! It doesn't need to be explained! But, we're gonna do it anyway. Time's a wastin' as the professor of computer science tries to figure out how to play a VHS tape.

Then they all split up to make their way through the science station - again - bitching and sniping at each other - again - all the way to pass for character development.

Now for the standard Fred Olen Ray straight sex scene. Yes, I know, these people are fully aware that they are in the very heart of death, the crew of the station was slaughtered and one of their own has been gruesomely killed off, but they are still going to have soft-core straight sex, CINEMAX STYLE! This is handled by the buxom body of J.J. North and some guy.

Another of their number gets killed off by said monster. Now it's time for the clear goo scenes to let us know that, not only is it a monster, it is an "icky" monster!

Then they all split up - again - to make their way through the science station - again - bitching and sniping at each other - again - all the way to pass for character development.

Now for the standard Fred Olen Ray Monster sex scene. This is handled by Brinke Stevens and Fred's then 18 year old son, Christopher (Thanks pop!), in a stupid rubber monster suit (Yeah, thanks a lot, pop!). The soft-core sex scene is done

CINEMAX STYLE! Hai-YA!

Fred Olen Ray has never made good movies but a few of his have gained some semblance of cult status like ALIEN DEAD, or notoriety like HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS, or so damn stupid it has to be seen to be believed like EVIL TOONS.

The writing credit for this kitty litter goes to my bud, Sean O'Bannon (NIGHT SHADE, BLACK WIDOW ESCORT), who is actually a good guy and has some good scripts he's sitting on. But holy crap: The shit he writes for Fred!

I swear you will get so interested in the soft core porn that the shitty monster movie wrap around will be even more difficult to endure. For you conservatives in the audience, Rush Limbaugh makes a few very unlikely appearances, I kid you not. He likely didn't get paid for it.