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MOVIES
THAT SUCK TOO MUCH TO REVIEW
Full Moon
Pictures, Cult Video, A-PIX
So my brother
and I decided to watch some movies distributed by Full Moon Releasing
and A-Pix: PARASITE, NETHERWORLD, and THE FEAR.
Hey, it's
a horror fest, right?
Fun stuff,
right?
What crap
What utter
crap
PARASITE
Rated: USA: R
Featured
the talents of Demi Moore in her first (though
not last) Horror movie. It also featured the SFX talents
of a young Stan Winston, who would later go on to much better things
with John Carpenter's THE THING,
PREDATOR, ALIENS,
and so on. Otherwise this movie, about the world after nuclear
war and a company that makes money off of the U.S. government (which
somehow has money to spend despite there being no more taxes because
the economy is in the hole, nobody is working, and money is worthless) really
sucked.
The
original theatrical release was in 3D. Not that it helped. |
At the
end of humanity, the evil "company" (represented
by a man wearing black and driving a black car) is making deadly
parasites.
Why?
No reason.
Looking at the cover of the DVD you'll
see a Porsche (the car in the movie is a Lamborgini)
as well as a white guy who is not in the movie at all, holding up
an M-16 / A-1 assault rifle, which also is not in the movie. What
is in the movie is three minutes of totally unnecessary start time
that the movie would be far better without. Aw who am I kidding? You'd
be better off not seeing this movie at all. I refuse to review this
any further. The movie was originally made by KOCH International and
distributed by Full Moon and Cult Video. Avoid like the plague it's
about.
|
The
cover has an image of the cheesy flying hand effect. |
NETHERWORLD
Rated: USA: R
Is
the other movie which had Full Moon Picture's imprimatur. Like all
movies made directly by Full Moon, NETHERWORLD has outstanding production values, clean sound, gorgeous cinematography,
expensive looking film stock, and nothing else. Oh wait - it has
T&A. But if that's your meat you'll find more T&A in any
number of direct to video lezzy schlock and shock fests. It also
features a flying hand complete with cheesy strings and a poorly
imitated PHANTASM flying
ball effect. The effects come courtesy of Mark Shostrom (PHANTASM
III, THE MUTILATOR, NIGHTMARE
ON ELMSTREET 3, EVIL DEAD II, DEEPSTAR
SIX). Why this effect wasn't done better I chalk up to
the director, since Mark knows what he's doing.
The hand
has teeny faces on its fingers that do pretty much the same job as the
blades and drills on the silver balls of PHANTASM (same designer). This is not a homage,
more of a frommage, and definitely a rip. The chrome flying balls are
better, PHANTASM is way better, and didn't have half the slick look of NETHERWORLD.
When I think
of all the good Horror stories that are out there that could be bought
and made into half way decent Horror movies, I have to ask my self. "Why
in the hell does Full Moon go wildly out of its way to make such miserable
shit as this when they can just as easily afford to make something great? THE EVIL DEAD cost pennies to
make. Likewise PHANTASM and the DEAD films of George Romero. What's more,
there are plenty more young film makers with wild ideas who don't drag
a movie down with dishwater artistic endeavors that drag past the film
gate forever. |
Pathetically
obvious rubber suit doesn't help this crippled flick. |
THE FEAR
Rated: USA: R
Is
a 5 pound capacity bag filled with 20 pounds of shit. Stuffed to
overflowing with confused subplots and riddled through with plot
holes, THE
FEAR
is a movie drowning in its inability to tell a good story. That's
too bad because this tale of a wooden mannequin that may or may
not be alive is a good one (and reminiscent
of PIN). Piss-poor editing in the form of people's words
being chopped before they complete them; buildups to nude scenes
that were obviously filmed but then cut out, and jump cuts from
day to night leave THE
FEAR
as nothing more than broken pieces on the floor.
There is
too much going on in THE
FEAR that has nothing to do with the story. There are also too many distracting
side scenes that take you completely out of the movie. Plus it earns an UNFAIR RACIAL CLICHÉ ALERT.
So very poor. It does star Horror writer/Director Wes Craven however.
He was probably doing a favor for a fan. He's known to have a soft heart
for young film makers. |
Now don't
get me wrong, I LOVE schlock! Troma is king! Lloyd Kaufmann and
Michael Herz are two of my personal heroes! Even when their movies are
tripe, they are also fun! There is no fun to be had in PARASITE, NETHERWORLD,
or THE FEAR: They're just a drag. A boring drag. They make half-assed
drink coasters though.
All the movies
had DVD extras but nothing to write home about, especially if you
were home when you watched them. I wasted about five hours of my life
watching this crap, so I guess I should be grateful. Someone wasted more
of their life making it than I did watching it.
REMEMBER:
We watch the crap so you don't have to.
KILL THESE
MOVIES BEFORE THEY BREED! (Oh wait, THE FEAR did
spawn THE FEAR 2)
 
This review
copyright 2002 E.C.McMullen Jr.
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