THAT SUCK TOO
TO REVIEW ALONE
PARASITE - NETHERWORLD - THE FEAR
Full Moon Pictures, Cult Video, A-PIX
So my brother and I decided to watch some movies distributed by Full Moon Releasing
and A-Pix: PARASITE, NETHERWORLD, and THE FEAR.
Hey, it's a horror fest, right?
Fun stuff, right?
What utter crap
|PARASITE - 1982
USA Release: March 12, 1982
KOCH / Embassy Pictures
Rated: USA: R
Featured the talents of Demi Moore in her first (though
not last) Horror movie.
It also featured the SFX talents
of a young Stan Winston, who would later go on to much better things
with John Carpenter's THE THING, THE TERMINATOR, ALIENS, PREDATOR, JURASSIC PARK, and so on.
Everybody else involved had somewhat less good fortune.
Otherwise this movie, about the world after nuclear
war and a company that makes money off of the U.S. government, really sucked.
A government which
somehow has money to spend despite there being no more taxes because
the post-apocalyptic economy is in the hole, everyone is unemployed, and money is worthless
At the end of humanity, the evil "company" (represented by a man wearing black and driving a black car) is making deadly parasites.
The original theatrical release was in 3D. Not that it helped.
What on earth for?
See the parasite on the 3D movie poster? The parasites don't look like that.
See the black Porsche on the DVD cover? In the movie it's a Lamborghini.
See the white guy on the DVD cover? He's also not in the movie, and neither is the M-16 / A-1 rifle, he's holding.
All of this adds up to a movie studio that has so much contempt for their potential audience they don't care that they are this sloppy. That sloppy contempt carries its way all through the movie.
So what is left?
What is in the movie is three minutes of totally unnecessary start time
that the movie would be far better off without.
Aw who am I kidding? You'd
be better off not seeing this movie at all. I refuse to review this
The movie was originally made by Embassy Pictures / KOCH International and
distributed by Full Moon and Cult Video. Avoid like the plague it's
NETHERWORLD - 1992
Cheesy flying hand effect? Check.
USA Release: Feb. 6, 1992
Full Moon Entertainment
Rated: USA: R
Get your Nethers Together!
No, that probably would have been a better movie. Okay, this is what we've got here.
NETHERWORLD is the other movie which had Full Moon Picture's imprimatur.
Like all movies made directly by Charles Band/Full Moon, NETHERWORLD has outstanding production values, clean sound, gorgeous cinematography,
expensive looking film stock, and nothing else.
Oh wait - it has
But if that's your meat you'll find more T&A in any
number of direct to video lezzy schlock and shock fests. It also
features a flying hand complete with cheesy strings and a poorly
imitated PHANTASM flying
ball effect. The effects come courtesy of Mark Shostrom (PHANTASM III, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3, EVIL DEAD II, DEEPSTAR SIX). Why this effect wasn't done better I chalk up to
the director, David Schmoeller* (TOURIST TRAP), since Mark knows what he's doing.
The hand has teeny faces on its fingers that do pretty much the same job as the
blades and drills on the silver balls of PHANTASM (same designer). This is not an homage,
more of a fromage, and definitely a rip. The chrome flying balls are
better, PHANTASM is way better, and didn't have half the slick look of NETHERWORLD.
When I think of all the good Horror stories that are out there that could be bought
and made into half way decent Horror movies, I have to ask my self. "Why
in the hell does Full Moon go wildly out of its way to make such miserable
shit as this when they can just as easily afford to make something great?"
THE EVIL DEAD cost pennies to
make. Likewise THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, PHANTASM and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD by George Romero. What's more,
there are plenty more young film makers with wild ideas who don't crap
a movie out with dishwater artistic endeavors that drag past the film
David Schmoeller hit a homerun with TOURIST TRAP, though in the DVD commentary to that movie, seems ashamed of it.
Too bad. The movie is a classic and has a decent cultish fanbase. The same cannot be said for anything David has done since. In fact, for either tax purposes or out of a sense of shame, David often makes movies for Charles Band under an assumed name.
For NETHERWORLD, fellow Texan David, born in Louisville, Kentucky, called himself "Billy Chicago".
THE FEAR - 1995
Pathetically obvious rubber suit doesn't help this crippled flick.
Rated: USA: R
Is a 5 pound capacity bag filled with 20 pounds of shit.
Stuffed to overflowing with confused subplots and riddled through with plot holes, THE FEAR is a movie drowning in its inability to tell a good story.
That's too bad because this concept of a wooden mannequin that may or may not be alive is a good one (and reminiscent of PIN).
Piss-poor editing in the form of people's sentences
being chopped before they complete them; buildups to nude scenes that were obviously filmed but then cut out, and jump cuts from day to night in the same scene leave THE FEAR as nothing more than broken pieces on the floor.
There is too much going on in THE FEAR that has nothing to do with the story. There are also too many distracting side scenes that take you completely out of the movie. Plus it earns an UNFAIR RACIAL CLICHÉ ALERT.
So very poor.
It does star Horror writer/Director Wes Craven in a walk-on role however.
He was probably doing a favor for a fan. He's known to have a soft heart for young film makers.
Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE schlock! Troma is king! I adore Lloyd Kaufmann and
Michael Herz! Even when their movies are
tripe, they are also fun! There is no fun to be had in PARASITE, NETHERWORLD,
or THE FEAR: They're just a drag. A boring drag. They make half-assed
drink coasters though.
All the movies
had DVD extras but nothing to write home about, especially if you
were home when you saw them. I wasted about five hours of my life
watching this crap, so I guess I should be grateful. Someone wasted more
of their life making it than I did seeing it.
REMEMBER: We watch the crap so you don't have to.
KILL THESE MOVIES BEFORE THEY BREED! (Oh wait, THE FEAR did
spawn THE FEAR 2)
copyright 2002 E.C.McMullen Jr.
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