Review by E.C.McMullen Jr.

KING KONG (1976) Paramount Pictures Rating: USA: PG

KING KONG. The original was incredible in its day. The special effects don't hold up today, but watching it, one can imagine what a powerful impression it made for its time. No one is ever going to think that of KING KONG from 1976.

Made for an estimated $24 million, it was prohibitively expensive for the small but profitable company of Dino De Laurentiis (MACISTI CONTRO IL VAMPIRO, THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR, ORCA, CONAN THE BARBARIAN, AMITYVILLE II, THE DEAD ZONE, CONAN THE DESTROYER, CAT'S EYE, SILVER BULLET, MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, MANHUNTER, KING KONG LIVES, SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK, ARMY OF DARKNESS, BODY OF EVIDENCE, UNFORGETTABLE, BREAKDOWN, HANNIBAL, RED DRAGON), who had been producing movies for over 30 years when this one came down the pike.

Dino was one of those few folks who saw the tragedy that one of the original screenwriters, Ruth Rose, saw in Kong, and approved. Writer Ruth Rose, who co-wrote the 1933 script with James Ashmore Creelman from an original story by Merian C. Cooper and Edgar Wallace, saw a lovable giant fuzzball ape, and when she had the chance to exert more of her vision in the sequel, SON OF KONG, turned the giant ape into a goofy, cutesy, daffy clown. SON OF KONG fared so poorly that the studio, RKO Pictures, folded up shop on giant apes for the next 16 years. Writer Ruth Rose, along with Director Ernest B. Schoedsack, created the successively smaller ape, Mighty Joe Young who, without the KONG moniker, attracted beauceau (boo koo) bucks for RKO Pictures. But when the original KING KONG went into theatrical re-release (which is what studios did before home video), it made nearly as much as MIGHTY JOE YOUNG. KONG continued to be a cash cow because KING KONG had something that no other pretender had: KING KONG wasn't cute, he wasn't lovable; he was a vicious wild animal living in a brutal environment. He killed for territory, he killed to protect his property, and he killed because he enjoyed killing. That's the way Edgar Wallace and Merian C. Cooper saw him, but that wasn't the way Ruth Rose wanted Kong to be. Rose wanted cute and cuddly: Blonde even. Cooper and Wallace envisioned a Kong that was a giant ape version of Universal Studios DRACULA. Which is to say, the monster does well on his own turf among his familiar, primitive victims, but when he comes to the modern world, with technologically advanced people, not so much. Bram Stoker wrote Dracula as a repulsive creature of the night where science, in the form of Dr. Van Helsing, is the light that triumphs over the darkness of superstition. With the original KING KONG, the ape is captured from the start to be nothing more than a carny show attraction - technology has already won.

Dino De Laurentiis wanted to remain true to the Kong mythos in some ways, and go off on his own in others. Nothing wrong with that. But the original Kong was terrifying. Dino wanted Kong to be sympathetic.

"When you see my movie, you gonna cry!"
-Dino De Laurentiis - 1976

Leading up to KING KONG 1976, De Laurentiis said those very words which were, in some ways, prophetic. He tapped Lorenzo Semple Jr. to write the screenplay. The two had worked together on movies before and Semple considered himself something of a deep scribe of western culture. In truth, his films - in retrospect - appear awfully thumbfingered. In film after film, Semple's characters come off like caricatures. In his writing, he knew nothing of how humans behave with one another; how men and women interact with each other, or much of anything about women at all. Women in Semple scripts are extraordinarily dense and simple minded. They need to be moved, bullied, and pushed around by male protagonists like puppets, and are often the hateful stereotype of a "yappy broad". In past films (THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR comes to mind), other writers could reign in some of Semple's more extravagant gaps; but in KING KONG 1976, it was all Lorenzo - well, Lorenzo and director John Guillermin (THE TOWERING INFERNO, DEATH ON THE NILE, KING KONG LIVES). Guillermin, who had directed some wonderful movies prior to KING KONG, was sputtering toward the end of his career by 1976. If you ever watch any earlier Guillermin movies, you won't recognize his fingerprints on this one.

KING KONG 1976 starts off with a ship. The big boss is a man named Fred Wilson (Charles Grodin: ROSEMARY'S BABY, SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER) and he works for major oil conglomerate, Petrox. Fred is scared because he is sailing a ship and crew out to a newly discovered island that he believes contains vast deposits of oil. Oil companies spend vast fortunes every year to go out to search for oil: that's no big deal in the Research and Development world of big oil. But Wilson is scared because if he doesn't bring back oil, he'll lose everything. Petrox is like the Reno of oil companies.

Another gaff here is this: Wilson and crew go off, not in a research vessel, but in an oil tanker (???). An oil tanker needs an infrastructure to sail to: Dockworkers, refineries, pumping stations. This tanker is going to an island where none of that exists, and throughout the entire movie, it is made pretty clear that even if they found oil, they have no ability to put large quantities into the ship (?!?!).

Meanwhile, a homeless guy, seemingly drunk, stumbles out of a cab, drops a big wad of cash at the feet of a security guard, and once through the gate, sneaks aboard the Petrox ship. What's that about?

The ship hits the high seas. Wilson unveils his secret plan to the crew, "We are heading toward an uncharted island continually enshrouded in fog. The fog, according to satellite photography, is rich in CO2. Only vast oil deposits could churn out so much CO2.

Well, no. (Volcano) But anyway ...

The homeless guy, who has snuck into the meeting, speaks up to refute this. It may not be oil, he says. (Volcano) Why, animals could be expelling enough CO2 to cover an island in fog for hundreds of years.

The hell???

You don't need a science moment to tell you thats absurd. But the homeless guy, who seems unworried about what an evil oil corporation ship would do to a stowaway on the high seas (Hmm. They must not be THAT evil), turns out to be a Princeton University Associate Professor (which actually explains every ignorant thing he does throughout the rest of the movie). His name is Jack Prescott (Jeff Bridges: WINTER KILLS, JAGGED EDGE, THE VANISHING, ARLINGTON ROAD) - which is about as Northeast Country Club as you can get - and he has stowed away to take photographs of the unexplored island and there is not a thing that Petrox can do about it, so "Nyahh!"

This is mind bogglingly stupid if we are to believe that Petrox is evil. And also that they can't simply land a chopper and fly this clown off to jail. Or throw all of his incriminating photographs, along with all of his camera equipment, overboard. Or simply dump his sorry butt overboard and let him drown - IF they are actually evil. I've hung out in bars where such attitudes by snooty Princeton types would be punished by far worse. And there the people were merely bad.

As they haul his butt to the brig (that too was a surprise, that a non-military ship would have a brig, but I'm no expert on oil tankers), the crew spots a life raft bobbing merrily along in the distance. In the life raft is a beautiful, half naked woman - which doesn't occur nearly enough whenever I'm out to sea.

The crew bring her aboard and get all horny but keep their distance.

Jack, who is now like the Gilligan's Island Professor (Hey Jack, you know something about medicine, don't you? Well come help us with this beautiful, half naked woman!). Jack does what he can, which largely consists of having to listen to the most godawful monologue ever to come out of anyone's mouth in a movie. Good God but this woman, who calls herself Dwan (Jessica Lange), is stupid. I mean, anyone can be dumb, but bat sonar could pass through her skull without a bounce! Throughout the duration of the trip, the men fawn over her and she does her part by dressing up like Daisy Duke and cock teasing all who see her. Not a good idea on long ship voyages, but what the hell would she know? The elitist, smarter than thou, Jack, falls for her - and I don't mean laid today, gone tomorrow - but he falls in love with her. Princeton educated professor falls for confused simpleton. Imagine the faculty cocktail parties.

Anywho ...

Meanwhile, Fred Wilson spends his time snarling over this and that, though really there isn't much for anyone to do until they meet Kong. Unlike the original movie, nobody on the ship even knows Kong exists. Also unlike the original movie, Dwan, who fills the Anne Darrow role in the original, which was played by the superior Fay Wray, can't stop yapping inane dialog that would drive Daffy Duck up the freaking wall. In the original, Anne Darrow was poor, but sharp and independent. When she gave her heart to the human love interest in the original, it meant something. Dwan is so mind bogglingly stupid she would give her heart to a napkin - and cry when it blew away, leaving her for smarter napkins.

So they arrive at the island, waste valuable film footage walking around paradise, find the giant wall and a ceremony, and get discovered. The native chief wants Dwan and will trade five of his own women for her. Five women of his own tribe for one white stranger! This apparently shows - yet again - how highly black men value white women over black women. And who can blame them? We white folk are just so god damn lovable! Who wouldn't want to marry someone white and have white kids? Then you would have an excuse for hugging and kissing white folks - we're just that god damn lovable!

But the mostly white crew won't stand for such a trade and fire their guns into the air, running back to shore. Nobody asked the lone black crewmember, Boan (Julius Harris: BLADE [1973], DARKMAN, MANIAC COP III, SHRUNKEN HEADS), his opinion.

Safely back on the ship, Charles Grodin's Wilson, continues the snarling and teeth gnashing, trying to look as Snidely Whiplash as possible while Jeff Bridges' Prescott character walks around in sophomore-put-down-mode, as cavillous as a coffee shop poet. Lange's Dwan, meanwhile, keeps spouting the most insouciant drivel. God how Prescott wants her.

And he almost gets her, but the tribesmen paddle an outrigger through the fog (rich in CO2 - how in the hell did they breathe?) and, as luck would have it, directly to the ship (360 degrees of direction they could have gone from the island, at night, but they can make a beeline for a ship hidden from sight!).

It's largely all Kong from here. Lange gets offered; KING KONG makes his appearance and accepts the offer; ship's crew fire their guns and scare the tribal people away while they go after Dwan; you know the drill.

Sadly, there aren't as many monsters in KING KONG 1976 as there were in 1933. And despite the superior Kong special effects (man in a furry rubber suit), the one monster fight with Kong and a giant boa/rattlesnake combo creature, is yawn worthy.

Ah yes, the special effects. Dino De Laurentiis reportedly ran out of money during the creation process of KING KONG. You see, he hired several special effects men to do one thing: make a realistic Kong. There was Carlo Rambaldi (PERSEO L'INVINCIBLE, LIZARD IN A WOMAN'S SKIN, BAY OF BLOOD, LA NOTTE DIA DIAVOLI, FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN, BLOOD FOR DRACULA, DEEP RED, ALIEN, NIGHTWING, THE HAND, POSSESSION, CONAN THE DESTROYER, SILVER BULLET, KING KONG LIVES, PRIMAL RAGE), and Rick Baker (IT'S ALIVE, SQUIRM, THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN, THE FURY, IT LIVES AGAIN, THE HOWLING, THE FUNHOUSE, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, VIDEODROME, WOLF, ED WOOD, THE FRIGHTENERS, GHOSTS, MEN IN BLACK, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, PLANET OF THE APES [2001], MEN IN BLACK II, THE RING, THE HAUNTED MANSION, HELLBOY, CURSED, THE RING TWO), and Glenn Robinson. All three men worked on the Gorilla in different stages. Depending on who tells it, Dino was nervous and couldn't decide if he wanted a man in a rubber suit (Rick Baker's specialty), or a mechanically controlled ape (Carlo Rambaldi's specialty), and what to do in close ups where Jessica Lange would need a giant appendage grabbing for her. At first, Dino claimed that Rambaldi did everything, which P.O.'d Baker when he saw his own creations, mainly him in the Kong Suit, acting! Dino first claimed that they had built a true to scale, giant robot Kong. He later recanted and watching the movie you know, thatsa no robo Kong. It would have been cool if it could have happened, but the technology just wasn't there at the time, as Director Steven Speilberg learned around that same period with his Bruce-the-Shark robot for JAWS.

This movie bombed big time, by the way. Possibly because Dino wasn't trying anything too new. Before the movie was released, he revealed that, in the tradition of the original Kong, this one too, would be killed. Ah but WHATTA DEATH!

Not.

The trailers of the time (which you get with your DVD) reveal that Kong, of course, is brought back to New York where he goes apeshit. Dwan, who screams every time Kong touches her, gets a touch of Stockholm Syndrome at some point - for some reason (possibly because she's drunk. In fact, she demands that Jack get her a drink in the middle of their escape!) and tries to become a human shield for Kong. In regards to size ratios, think about that one. At this point, if you haven't had enough of Prescott's constant mewling about "Evil Corporations", you'll love it when he cheers every time Kong slaughters some American soldiers who are trying to save the befuddled Dwan. Not kidding, he cheers the ape that is running around killing everybody! It actually makes him laugh! Then, when some other soldiers get the better of Kong, he cries out and calls them assholes. Kong should be the one killing humans! Not the other way around! American soldiers are supposed to die! Not win!

Hm.

Earlier in the movie, while Kong was being FedEx'd to the states, Prescott shed crocodile tears for the island natives because "We kidnapped their God."

Ahem.

This God that terrorized their lives, forcing them into a primitive and harsh culture where they sacrificed the women of their tribe - their daughters - to appease the great beast. Prescott predicts that, without Kong, the natives will all be a bunch of drunks in a year's time. Nice bit of racist elitism there, Prescott. Personally I don't believe in psychics, but even if Prescott is right, a drunken party among friends and family - even with the occassional brawl - is certainly preferable to feeding your own children to monsters! And Prescott is supposed to be the good guy! Not the kinda guy I'd want to watch my back.

The final Battle Royale atop the former World Trade Center (also in the trailer! This movie spoiled itself!) is nowhere near as exciting as the movie poster suggests. It is horribly edited, with King Kong destroying the same helicopter on two different occasions, by swatting it out of his face. That's right, though the ape is making his stand on the top of a building, and the choppers can simply hover from a distance and shoot him down, they buzz around his head and a helicopter nearly flies right into his face before Kong swats it away. TWICE! Did I mention how stupid this movie is?

In the end credits of KING KONG 1976, you get a rather odd full screen credit, almost as if it was written by lawyers (and perhaps it was) describing just who did what special effects and thanking them all. In 1976, KING KONG never looked more lifelife. He truly looked like a living breathing giant ape - no lie. But that was the only good thing about this turkey. From the horribly bad story, to the characters and their dialogue, to the inept sexual tension of a giant gorilla wanting to have sex with a human that was likely smaller than his dick, the KING KONG of 1976 truly deserves One Shriek Girl.

KILL IT BEFORE IT BREEDS!

This review copyright 2005 E.C.McMullen Jr.

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