Review by Kelly Parks

LIFEFORCE (1985) Canon Group / Easedram Limited / Golan-Globus Productions / TriStar Pictures Rated: Germany, Norway, UK: 18 / USA: R

Before I talk about the movie I just want to mention that a super hot chick walking around completely naked is very distracting. Especially when you’re a young guy seeing it for the first time. The movie, I mean. Not naked super hot chicks.

THE UK VERSION OF THE POSTER

LIFEFORCE was directed by Tobe Hooper (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, SALEM’S LOT [TV – 1979], POLTEGEIST, INVADERS FROM MARS, THE MANGLER, MASTERS OF HORROR: DANCE OF THE DEAD, MASTERS OF HORROR: THE DAMNED THING) and written by Dan O’Bannon (ALIEN, DEAD AND BURIED, INVADERS FROM MARS, TOTAL RECALL, SCREAMERS, BLEEDERS) and Don Jakoby (INVADERS FROM MARS, ARACHNOPHOBIA, VAMPIRE$, EVOLUTION), based on the 1976 novel THE SPACE VAMPIRES by Colin Wilson.

Very impressive credentials.

The story opens with a narrator telling us about the journey of the HMS Churchill, a joint British/American space mission to Halley’s comet. The first sight of the spaceship was almost enough to send me into science moment mode, but I’ll hold off for a little while.

YOU CALL THAT A SPACESHIP? WHY MY 10 YEAR OLD COULD DESIGN A BETTER SPACESHIP!

Jump ahead a few months and the Churchill arrives in Earth orbit, but doesn’t respond to radio calls. Space Shuttle Columbia is launched to rendezvous and finds the crew very dead. All the corpses are burned out husks. But the aliens in their coffins remain intact. They are returned to Earth and studied in a British space center in London under the direction of Dr. Fallada (Frank Finlay: A STUDY IN TERROR, THE DEADLY BEES).

A GOLAN-GLOBUS PRODUCTION: FEATURING A NICE PAIR OF GLOBUS!

I think it goes without saying that the space girl (Mathilda May: lots of French movies) is far from dead. She wakes up and chooses not to adopt the Earth custom of wearing clothes. And as you may have guessed, she’s a vampire. But she doesn’t take blood – she drains energy, leading to some semi-cheesy but sometimes cool effects, as her victims try to regain their lifeforce by stealing someone else’s.

Colonel Caine (Peter Firth: HIGHLANDER [TV], THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG) of the SAS shows up to head the search for the escaped aliens, just as the presumed dead Colonel Carlsen returns to Earth in one of the Churchill’s escape pods. It’s then that Carlsen reveals what really happened aboard his ship. What happened was…

OKAY, SO YOU CAN BE SHREADED BY A HIDEOUS MONSTER, OR HAVE YOUR LIFE FORCE SUCKED OUT BY A HOT NAKED BABE. HUH! NO CONTEST!

!!!SCIENCE MOMENT!!!:
I'm not sure who it was (my guess is Dan O'Bannon) but somebody involved in this movie was a science geek. I know that because the Churchill maintains the illusion of gravity on board by use of a nuclear engine (properly placed underneath the ship rather than behind) that provides a steady 1 gravity acceleration while the rocket is burning. That would actually work (if you had an engine powerful enough – which we have a pretty good idea how to make) as opposed to magical gravity generators used in so many other movies and TV shows, which we don’t have the first clue how to build.

When I saw this movie back in the 80’s I thought it was awesome. But my older self must point out to my younger self that although it’s not bad and does have some cool parts (including a weird cameo by Patrick Stewart) it’s also amateurish and lame and cheesy and that my younger self was clearly distracted by the luminescently beautiful naked space girl. That’s why my older self barely gives LIFEFORCE a three on the shriek girl scale.

This review copyright 2007 E.C.McMullen Jr.

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