Real Facts - Lampoon Reason
Real Facts* - Bad Theories

"Gravity is just a theory."
-Creationist logic


You blink about 84,000,000 times a year.
Which is why everyone around you "appears" to be moving, instead of being separate frames.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.
And none come true. I still haven't suddenly discovered myself naked, onstage, in front of an audience. At work yes, but 10 people hardly constitutes an audience.

Kidney stones come in any color from yellow to brown.
Order yours today!

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

How long would the line of people watching the line of people reproduce, be?

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
So patience is our watchword.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Imagine Marty Feldman at birth?

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
When that happens, be sure to drink some Chipotle. Stomach tastes great with Chipotle!

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
But the ink tastes AWFUL!

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.
It's evolutionary: nobody picks their nose with their toes. Visualize it.

Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightening than women.
That's because we are 6 times more likely to go outside in the rain, wave a sword over our heads, and loudly proclaim,
"There IS no God!"

It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland.
Which is why, in Iceland, the snow REMAINS white!

Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.
And would giggle fiendishly in Las Vegas!

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.
Thanks to those awful Egyptian Sandmen!

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 600 m.p.h!
So send a germ to those you love in El Paso!

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Only one person in a trillion will get to live like Hugh Hefner!

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
Unless its nicotine gum. Ugh!

The brain continues sending electrical wave signals for 37 hours after death
Apparently begging someone, anyone for help from this inescapable, hideous nightmare.

In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word.
And wedgies were punishable by death!

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.
So make sure it is much bigger than a toothpick before putting it in your mouth!


Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.
Too bad they only fly at night when the sky is black!

A jellyfish is 95 percent water.
And 5% SON - OF - A - BITCH!

Turtles can breathe through their butts
Which explains their expression.

The Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2200 people.
But can never find them when he really wants to.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

But we can stick our tongues out at THEM!

Bulls are colorblind. They will usually charge at a matador's waving cape no matter what color it is be it red or neon yellow.
It's just that it looks more macho to swish a red cape than a fuchsia one!

A snail can sleep for three years.
And it suddenly wakes up, bolting out of its shell and shouting, "Whoa! What'd I miss?"

Butterflies taste with their feet.
And landing can leave a bad taste in their mouth.

On some islands, clams can actually climb trees.
Then they howl and cry until the fire department comes and takes them down.

Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.
And then they do group calisthenics!

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!
But is uncommunicative at this time.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.
Groupers are notorious pick-pockets.

Just as humans are either right or left handed, so dogs and cats are right or left "pawed".
But they don't have opposable thumbs or cranial eye sockets, so don't let them get snotty with you.

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
Really? Because I'm trying to picture a jumping sloth... Nope.

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly!
We know, we experimented with Emus and Kiwis in Lake Eerie. Don't ask.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
But it prefers to use pencils or car keys.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
Except after 5:00pm for California bats, then they fly in the opposite direction!

A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
Which is why they won't accept them for change at the Texaco.

After eating, a housefly regurgitates its food and then eats it again!
Let's see YOU try to get dogshit to stay down the first time!

A duck's "quack" does not echo, no one knows why.
Then again, how many ducks have you seen quacking from the edge of a cliff?

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
And makes a fun science project for when the neighborhood kids sleep over!

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing", they actually pass out from sheer terror.
Gee! Cowards really DO die a thousand deaths.

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung.
Some ancient Chinese secret.

Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the morning.
But just TRY to get someone to make you hot apples in the morning!

Smelling bananas and/or green apples (smelling, not eating) can help you lose weight.
I would guess that smelling (smelling, not eating) all food would help you lose weight!

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Something to consider this Holiday Season. Heh! Heh! Heh!

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
Something to remember when you are killing time at a painfully boring party - or a pot party.

There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
I think I've dated the person who made this bold new discovery.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
It certainly sounds like the crap she was spouting.

When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
Somebody is spending way too much time at the burger joint.


Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!
And makes all the trees stand straight up!

Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States.
No one knows why, the houses just get in a mood.

The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth.
Yeah, and it's hotter too.

The Earth weighs around 6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons!
But don't bring that up with her in conversation.

The most used letter in the English alphabet is 'E', and 'Q' is the least used.
People just don't say "Queer" as much as they used to.

The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven.
Except on a New York City street corner.

The Queen Elizabeth II Cruise liner moves six inches for every gallon of diesel it burns.
So all you guys who have only six inches still have a right to be proud.
All you guys with 12 inches have twice as much reason to be proud.
All you guys with two feet, use them to take a hike.

America once issued a 5-cent bill.
Of course, back then a good computer only cost three bucks!

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
So now you know what an engineering degree at Indiana U. is REALLY worth.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Which is about a day's worth of McDonald's burgers.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
And people say "Trekkies" aren't exciting folk!

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Oh yeah? Well what about... no wait. Okay, what about... no wait.

* ...m-m-maybe.

Have you taken a Science Moment?

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All images and text belong to E.C.McMullen Jr. unless otherwise noted.
All fiction stories belong to their individual authors.
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