NOVEMBER 30, 2007
LOSING VIRGINITY LATER LINKED TO SEXUAL PROBLEMS
Getting pregnant earlier leads to no END of problems! And that's pregnancy if yer LUCKY! That said, I'm still gonna show this article to my wife. Might give her a little more "incentive" tonight!
PAPAL LETTER BLAMES ATHEISM FOR WORLD'S WORST WOES
Yeah, well we don't like you either! But seriously, atheism is to blame for the world's worst woes? So the Pope puts all the blame for natural disasters, disease, alcoholism, and cancer on atheists? Wow!
The blame for Jehu ordering the slaughter of the sons of Ahab - because the King didn't worship the same god (KJV, 4 Kings [2 Kings] Chapter 10) , is the fault of atheists?
Pope Benedict XVI blames 600+ years of Catholic torture and inquisitions on atheists? He blames the Protestant and Baptist sanctioned slavery of Africans and the genocide of the indigenous people in the U.S. on atheists? The full-blown, stark-staring cruel madness of Islamic Fundamentalists throughout the world is the fault of atheists?
The hundreds of thousands of victims of child rape and abuse at the adult genitals of Catholic priests and nuns can be blamed on atheists?
This isn't merely denial of responsibility. This is the dictionary definition of insanity.
If we were to historically strip out all of the horrors inflicted on humanity, by humanity - not just in the name of God or Allah, but with the Church's blessing or knowledge and condonement (and child rape, as we've now discovered, was not only condoned by the Catholic church, they built an entire infrastructure within the church to protect the rapists, i.e., unofficially sanctioned it! And it continues to this very day in the rest of the world and STILL in the U.S.), what "Woes" would be left?
I mean, you put Karl Marx on one plate of the scale and everything sanctioned by churches or religious leaders (I'm not even counting the various and sundry religious crackpots) on the other plate and that sucker will tip over toward religion with a clunk!
NOVEMBER 14, 2007
‘DOG’ CHAPMAN'S WIFE WANTS REVENGE
AP Photo by Lucy Pemoni
Duane 'Dog' Chapman, who still holds the record for World's Ugliest Female Impersonator, is getting support from his wife, Beth Smith, who holds the second place title. Thank you Hollywood for consistently welcoming these types of people into the nation's consciousness. Paris Hilton, meanwhile, who continues to talk and behave in the Exact Same Manner, is a Democrat and so gets a pass from the media.
"But wait," you say. "Look at the way Duane is dressed. Isn't HE a liberal?" To be honest, I don't think anybody knows what the hell Duane is, although his son thinks he's a racist. So that could be anything.
NAVY TOLD TO REDUCE SONAR EFFECTS ON MARINE LIFE
The Japanese are through warning the whales about their sonar, though. Now they are taking action for uh... research... cough! Ahem!
IS RAISING KIDS A FOOL'S GAME?
It sure as hell is with some parents
MATT DAMON IS 2007'S 'SEXIEST MAN ALIVE'
And man, am I sick of hearing my wife talk about it.
SCIENTISTS CLAIM TO CLONE MONKEY EMBRYOS
Because you can never have enough monkeys! There is a limit on cats. Even cats don't like you adding another cat to the home, which is why we ain't cloning cats. But monkeys? Hey, everybody loves monkeys! ...from a distance.
MONKEY CLONING A REASON TO PAUSE, NOT PANIC
Okay, perhaps in my enthusiasm I went too far. We must soberly analyze how many monkeys we should clone, and not just go apeshit. Me? I'm all for apeshit, but mine might not be the most popular view. I'm willing to listen to reason on this. That said, I'm still gonna raise giant monkeys in my cellar.
IS BINGE DRINKING OKAY FOR MOMS-TO-BE?
ABC News just loves the no-brainer story. And if you're unsure of the proper response to this question, why, yer their target market!
DIABETES DIET? THINK TASTY, BUT HEALTHFUL
Well maybe, but the very idea of eating diabetes is turning my stomach.
INDIA NERVOUSLY WATCHES CRISES UNFOLD IN PAKISTAN
Hot new TV series may be re-packaged for American audiences!
NASA PROBES SMOKY SMELL IN SPACESUIT
What? Now we can't even smoke in spacesuits? In space? The Tobacco Gestapo has gone too far!
PACMAN JONES EXPECTED TO TAKE PLEA DEAL
Hey, its' not his fault, damn it! It was self-defense! Those ghosts were gonna EAT him! And not in a good way!
DIWALI FESTIVAL: 900 MILLION PEOPLE, ONE PARTY
Nobody parties like Hindus, and if you ever read the Kama Sutra, you'd give up hamburgers too!
BATTLING AN ARMY OF COMPUTER ZOMBIES
Forget shooting the monitor! It's the CPU! Shoot the CPU!
GEORGIA TRIES TO PRAY UP A STORM
Holy crap! This is the best Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue can do? Hey Georgia! Try praying for a better governor! Or better yet, VOTING for one!
U.S. OFFICIAL: ANONYMITY IS A LOST CAUSE
Well no shit! Everybody is on MySpace, FaceBook, FaceBox, iJournal, Blog, Veoh, YouTube, iFilm and way more! Everybody is dumping their two cents into every message board in existence world wide! Everybody is talking as loud as possible, while standing in line at any place that has a line, so everyone around them can hear their side of the conversation on their cellphones. Are you telling me that anybody still gives a damn about anonymity? Hell, try to get any of them to shut up!
THOMPSON CAMPAIGN LASHES OUT AT ROMNEY SUPPORTER OVER ENDORSEMENT PAYOFF CLAIM
By the time we get a chance to vote for one of them, we'll hate all of them!
MAN, TOAD ARRESTED IN DRUG BUST
Yet again, the headline is better than any joke.
CHAVEZ DEMANDS SPANISH KING JUAN CARLOS APOLOGIZE FOR VERBAL SLAP, HINTS INVESTMENTS COULD BE AT RISK
Apologize? And bring King Carlos down to Chavez' pathetic level?
METHANE-EATING BACTERIA COULD SAVE THE WORLD
If they only didn't fart arsenic.
GLOBE THAT ONCE BELONGED TO ADOLF HITLER SELLS AT AUCTION FOR $100,000
And it made geography ridiculously easy.
Teacher: Franz, vhat is diss country right here?
Franz: Chermany, teach.
Teacher: Ja, ja. Und dis vun?
Franz: Also Chermany, teach.
Teacher: Und vhat about dis vun all der vay down here?
Franz: Chermany teach! Der all vun country und der all Chermany!
Teacher: Ja. Iss gut. Deutschland vould also be acceptable.
WHY SOME ANIMALS EAT THEIR YOUNG
After reading this story, I'll be creeped out everytime I hear some young mother tell her baby, "I could just eat you up!"
OCTOBER 31, 2007
SEPTEMBER 24, 2007
BUSH: HILLARY CLINTON WILL BE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE
Democrat party is upset that Bush, a Republican, announced it, and that they are unable to refute it. Bad news for Democrats AND Bill.
'ACTING WHITE' COMMENT IS NO POLITICAL TIME BOMB FOR JACKSON
Jackson has been getting a pass his entire life and he always will - no matter what he does. Not because he's black, but because he's a Democrat. Just a fact. Why the false surprise?
SHE'S GOT LEGS: SPRING FASHION INTRODUCES THE 'COCKTAIL SHORT'
A new way to sell 'Granny Panties'.
AUSTRALIAN SURGICAL TEAM CLAIMS 'FIRST' CONSCIOUS BRAIN SURGERY
Nope. Sorry Agence France-Presse (AFP), but that's how brain surgery is usually performed in hospitals around the world - especially in the U.S. Maybe this is a first for Australia, but not for the world. Try to hire better educated reporters in the future. And you, Fox! Stop being their stooge!
RISING SEAS THREATEN U.S. HISTORICAL SITES
Hello!?!? DAMS? DIKES? Humanity (India, Pakistan) has only been building them since at least 2600 B freaking C! The people of the Netherlands built their dykes in the 1100s to keep out the rising sea water, and that was just the 12th Century! Hire some educated reporters, Associated Press! Shit! And damn it Fox! Stop being their stooge!
At the very same moment that CNN is trying to warn people of the allegedly real dangers of Man-Made Global Warming, CNN.com has removed an entire section of their website. Was it the Entertainment section? No, that's how they report faux news to sell movies, albums, and TeeVee shows. Was it their Tech section? No, that's how they report faux news to sell the latest tech gadgetry and software. Go to cnn.com and you'll notice that they have removed their SCIENCE SECTION! At a time when Science - in the form of global warming, the NASA space shuttle, and evolution being threatened in American schools, is an important news item. CNN has come under a lot of fire for not reporting ALL of the science news - like the fact that there IS no scientific consensus among scientists about global warming and thousands of scientists whose fields of study are actually IN earth science have been saying so for years... to the deaf ears of news agencies like cnn.
FEBRUARY 15, 2007
N.M ORDERS 500 TALKING URINAL CAKES
Sometimes the headline is better than any reply.
RECORD SNOW FALLS, CHICAGO AREA DIGS OUT
But ... uh ... that's because of Man-Made Global Warming! It's COLDER because it's getting WARMER! Yeah! That's the ticket!
KANSAS REPEALS EVOLUTION RULING
You ever find yourself feeling sorry for an entire state of people? Even the stupid ones? Of course, just as bad are the people who say they DO believe in evolution, then you discover that they have no idea what it is. One person in my group (hey, you probably have people like this in YOUR group too, so shut yer cakehole!), who believes in evolution said that the theory of evolution is, "We descended from Monkeys!"
No, that's wrong.
"No, wait! I meant to say Apes!"
No, that is also wrong. And because you believe in something you know nothing about, you are also stupid.
GROUPS SUE TO PROTECT MARINE ANIMALS
This is great! They are suing on a few fronts: to protect Walruses and Polar Bears from Oil and gas exploration and global warming. Now these two groups, Earthjustice and Center for Biological Diversity and Pacific Environment (both based in the most polluted state in the U.S., California - naturally), will actually have to PROVE that global warming exists, and then PROVE that humans are the cause! Which is something no one has been able to come close to doing. I fully support EJ and CBD and PE. Now I'm going to go have a PBJ.
MUNROE THE "GROUCHO MARX" PENGUIN HAS HAPPY FEET
Because unlike their human counterparts, when animals are retired they are put out to pasture to stud. So if anyone is listening? I volunteer my services for when I retire. Within my own species of course.
RARE INDIAN TURTLES SOLD AS SEX STIMULANT RESCUED
And good thing too. Those filthy Turtle fetish people are just sick. I can't ever see myself getting sexually stimulated by a turtle. An Octopus, sure, but a freaking turtle?
VIRGIN DRAGON PREPARES TO GIVE BIRTH
Yeah, sure she's a "virgin". Ri-ight! Still, being as the Komodo Dragon has the filthiest most disease ridden mouth in the world, its only good survival skill to be able to fertilize yourself, as no male Komodo would be interested. They're all hanging out with the female crocs.
STOWAWAY SQUIRREL GROUNDS JET
Just one of many reasons why having Homeland Security doesn't help me sleep at night.
STORM LEAVES BEHIND SNOW, ICE, FRUSTRATION
As millions ponder in a record breaking world wide coldest winter: When is that damn Global Warming going to get here?
SCIENTISTS DUBIOUS OF QUANTUM COMPUTER CLAIMS
Computer, however, stands by its statements
NEW TOYS GO ONLINE WITH KIDS
New ways for companies to teach your children how to use your credit card.
CLINTON TO BUSH: CONGRESS MUST OK ANY STRIKE ON IRAN
Sorry, stupid, but that's not how the law is written and that's not how the law works. And you should know - your party passed the law! Did your husband get congressional approval to bomb Kosovo? The Chinese Embassy? Iraq for nearly a full year?
GORE ANNOUNCES 'LIVE EARTH' CONCERT
Because if the science doesn't back you up, then dazzle them with the same pop star machinery hoopla you despised in the 1980s when you and your wife promoted the PRMC.