IN THE NEWS
HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS
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27 , 2004
ACTIVISTS SEE DIET INDUSTRY DRAINING
Actual Quote from Associated Press:
Unashamed of their size, fed up with fat jokes, and angry at the national
obsession with dieting, overweight activists are mounting a feisty protest
movement against the medical establishment's campaign against obesity.
Actual Quote from Marilyn Wann, a militant member of the National
Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA):
"We're living in the middle of a witch hunt and fat people are
the witches. It's gotten markedly worse in the last few years because
of the propaganda that fatness, a natural human characteristic (like
high blood pressure, heart disease, gout, diabetes, and osteoporosis),
is somehow a form of disease."
activists at NAAFA are right! They are absolutely right!
MAKE MEDICAL COMEBACK
Cleaning infected wounds and sores may sound like a low level job, but
its a pretty good career move for a maggot!
SLIM FOR BEACHED WHALE IN BRAZIL
Since being rejected by his pod, the whale feels all washed up.
HA! YES! I SAID IT!
This story is all about an expensive surgical procedure (At
$3,900 dollars a pop, it's more expensive than Lasik. More expensive
than some forms of breast augmentation or liposuction) to implant
jewelry right into your eyeball. No fooling. A piece of metal - In
Your Eye! The operation is catching on from Europe to the U.S. even
though there have been zero clinical trials to find out whether or not
this is safe in the long term. But I'll tell you what, if it turns out
to be unsafe, most of these soon-to-be half-blind pampered jackasses
will get on TV and blame society.
"Oh! It isn't my fault! Its our society that demands that women
Show me where in the hell society wants you to put a freaking piece
of metal in your freaking eye!
FLU 'DISCOVERED IN PIGS'
So ... how long before pigs fly?
'ARE MORAL BEINGS'
And since they don't try to impose their morals on us, they are noble
INVITED TO HUNT METEORITES
Though outside of their field of interest, PETA (People
for the Ethical Treament of Asteroids) are watching this development
with a critical eye.
EMIT 'SILENT SCREAM'
Which no one can hear so no one comes running over to save them. Stupid
TO STUMP PANHANDLE WITH MCCAIN
On a special political edition of Hollywood Squares.
COMPANY SAYS IT CLONES COPY CATS
Because there STILL aren't enough cats in the world.
SEARCH FOR WOMEN ASTRONAUTS
Some Chinese government officials believe they may be hiding in the
rain forests, but most believe they may be hiding among the underage
prostitutes of Thailand. So the Chinese officials have gone off on a
government subsidized fact finding mission. If successful, they'llreturn
with women astronauts and revitalized youth. It is not known what else
they may UN-expectedly return with: i.e. where a Chinese official returns
from Thailand with something unexpected but hardly, you know, surprising
- not to put too fine a point on it.
MONKEY APES HUMANS
So far the monkey is acting arch, talking snarky, and bitching about
TURNS TO DEEP SEA TRAINING FOR SPACE
Among the space training lessons taught at sea: handling intense atmosphere
pressures, reacting to water leaks, and avoiding space sharks.
COD FOR POLLOCK SAY MARINE CONSERVATIONISTS
Self-drubbed "Art-intellectuals" from Manhattan to Munich
are throwing exclusive champagne parties to welcome this news. Up until
this moment, they had no idea that they could replace fish in their
diet with their appreciation for abstract-expressionism.
MY BLACK HOLE MODEL WRONG
Scientist and reoccurring character voice on THE SIMPSON'S, Steve Hawkings
gave this testy statement to the press today. "Hey gang, anybody
can be wrong and in case you can't tell by looking at me, I'm prone
to as much human weakness as the next person. That said, my change of
heart is also based upon theory; theoretical quantum physics to be exact.
So I could be wrong again."
BUSH TWINS' COMING OUT PARTY
You gotta admit: They look totally hot - even if one of them does kinda
resemble their pop.
Now look at John Kerry's daughters. They both kinda look like their
old man, although I'm sure they have great personalities.
intended. After all, Chelsea Clinton also has a great personality. At
least I would think she has to have one. Reagan's daughter is so hot she had
a photo spread in Playboy! I would speculate that Amy Carter has a great
RICH AND POOR SKIP IMMUNIZATIONS
Which is why the middle class is bigger than both of them. Of course,
we DO have to cover the poor people's health care and fight wars
for the rich folks. Oh, you don't believe that? Are Bush's children
in the war? Are Kerry's children in the war? What about Hillary Clinton?
Is her child in the war? They all voted for this war! Do any multimillionaires
or billionaires have children in the war? Even in active military? Exactly!
So shut up.
HIKES NURSING ERRORS, STUDY SHOWS
What? You mean overworked, exhausted, stressed out nurses are actually MORE prone to errors than alert, well-rested, calm nurses? Damn!
Who in the hell would have ever believed that? Why this study
is a monumental achievement!
ACCUSES U.S. OF HIV DRUG 'BLACKMAIL'
Uh... isn't this the same France that, just two years ago, told us
that the US should stay out of the world's business?
in reporting this story, calls French president Jacque Chirac's accusing
the US of HIV Drug Blackmail a "veiled threat" (?).
What would be an unveiled threat?
States already contributes more money ($15 billion
so far) to AIDS research and drug distribution than the entire
European Union combined.
cannot afford to give much to the AIDS fight because they are actively
supporting, with money, arms, and soldiers, mass genocide in Sudan (for
oil) and in the Congo (for diamonds).
MISTAKE ARIZONA ASPHALT FOR LAKES
Maybe a pelican doesn't know the difference between a car and a boat,
but you'd think the double yellow stripes would be a dead give-away.
SPACECRAFT EMERGES FROM BEHIND SUN
Unexpectedly scaring Mercury right out of its orbit.
FACTOR: IS MICROSOFT WAGING A SECRET WAR OF SLANDER AGAINST LINUX?
You mean YET ANOTHER secret war or the on-running SCO vapor-lawsuit
backed-by-Microsoft slander against Linux?
LARGEST DINOSAUR RISES FROM SPANISH FIELDS
Suprising the hell out of just about everybody except old Ned.
FROM MEATHOOKS, FOR FUN
And we think the cows are mad!
JAILED FOR SHOOTING OFF HIS TESTICLES
Thing is, you just can't improve on a headline like that.
That said, this should provide a dilema for The
Darwin Awards. The Darwin Award is granted to those people (posthumously
in times past) who have bettered the human gene pool by removing
themselves from it. Here is a man whose stupidity has clearly removed
himself from the gene pool, yet he lives to tell about it. It's a pickle
ATTORNEY GENERAL HAS MICROCHIP FITTED IN HIS ARM
Among his reasons for doing this is to make him traceable should he
ever be kidnapped or assaulted. Clearly, this guy has no concept of
the gruesome brutality of kidnappers in his own country and almost seems
to beg to be a target. He boasts that the microchip is embedded in ONE
of his arms (he isn't saying which one)
and cannot be removed.
past kidnappings in Mexico are any indication, his microchip may not
be removable but his arms sure are.
he might want to have the microchip embedded somewhere in his head.
That way, if he is kidnapped and they leave his head behind, nobody
is going to waste time and money trying to find the body.
CEO TOUTS SECURITY PUSH AT CONFERENCE
2 years after the launch of Microsoft's "Trustworthy Computing"
and this time, THIS TIME, they are really, REALLY - no fooling
this time for SURE - they are REALLY SERIOUS!
WINDOWS UPDATE SET FOR AUG., AFTER DELAY
Okay, so there was a 2 month delay for Service Pack 2 and known and
exposed holes were hacked into and lots of people lost thousands of
hours of valuable time and millions of dollars, but this time Microsoft
is REALLY! SERIOUSLY! SERIOUS!
DISCOVERS 100 NEW PLANETS
Apparently, they've been right above our heads this entire time.
Radar cannot detect them! Infrared cannot detect them! But they sneak
into your house and get inside you WHILE YOU SLEEP, making you fat enough to file a lawsuit!
many other lame-ass excuses are being debated by the Tubby Lard Lobby
Think-Tank & All-You-Can-Freakin'-Eat Buffet in Washington D.C.
APPROVES LEECHES AS MEDICAL DEVICES
First it was maggots, and now leeches. Soon, the FDA will grant medical
licenses to barbers. And of course, if barbers get them then hairdressers
will want them too!
will do your colonoscopy today and give you nice highlights!
GIANT HIPPOS ROAMED BRITAIN
They didn't fret over the pros and cons of shaved armpits or rolling
their cigarettes into the perfect trumpet shape. They were content to
play in the warm, muddy Thames; set enormous circles of stones on end;
and get a good three square meals a day. Then some dumbass invented
"clotted cream" and the entire culture went straight to hell!
ON ALERT FOR COKE'S CHIP CONTEST
If just ONE of those cans get 'shaken-up': The horror! THE
HUNT HUMANS IN INDIAN PARK
New India tourist attraction fails to generate enthusiasm from volunteers,
let alone paying customers.
COUNT, CELL PHONE LINK DISMISSED
Which just goes to show that, even if men think with their penis, they
don't talk with the damn thing.
MILK COMPOUND SHRINKS WARTS
And can be taken orally! It
doesn't really cure warts that way, but who the hell cares?
MISSION TO REVEAL MYSTERIOUS PLANET
Reveal A mysterious planet??? DAMN IT! It was SUPPOSED to reveal Saturn!
MAC OS 'TIGER' READY TO POUNCE
Uh huh. Ready to pounce on a machine that controls an entire single
digit of the personal computer market.
only 'Tiger' was stable enough to run on a fast and powerful machine
aka a standard PC, instead of a foot dragging Mac.
DRUG MAY BOOST SEX DRIVE IN WOMEN, STUDY FINDS
I totally don't get the marketing concept for this. If a woman isn't
all that interested in sex, why would she want to spend good money for
a drug that would make her really interested in sex?
I'm not all that interested in going to Branson, Missouri. So why would
I want to buy a drug that would get me really interested in going to
MOSQUITO VIRUS SKIPS U.S., FOR NOW
Viruses have busy schedules, you know? They'll just catch us on the
LEAD TO HIDDEN RENAISSANCE FRESCO
Hmmm... appaently these were stool Pigeons!
SCIENTISTS CURE BURPING SHEEP
This success will allow the scientists to turn their attention to farting
cows and giggling piggies. Pigs hate to get the giggles and who can
blame them? Doncha just hate it when you get the giggles? I know I do.
And always at the worst moment - like when I'm getting a bj.
felt bad about it, really!: But my partners just look so damn funny
when they do that to me, that I can't help but laugh at them. Yep. I'm
quite the piggie!
25 , 2004
PROGRAM HELPS BOYS SAY NO TO SEX: STUDY
Helps boys say no to sex? Oh HOW we freaking need this program!
Christ! I remember when I was a boy, how frightened I was of all those
hormonally aggressive girls coming on to me: wanting only ONE
thing! And I had to let them have their way with me if I (sob!) wanted
to be popular. Oh Oprah, if only I had known how to just say no!
I'm old and cranky and I'm sick to the teeth of having my tax money
support these damn unwed fathers, by cracky! Put yer kid up for adoption
and get a job, punk!
IS TO BLAME FOR UNRULY HAIR
And he ain't sorry!
HONOUR FOR ROBOT HEROES
The robots, incapable of being impressed, observed the occassion with
dispassionate indifference. When called upon to make a speech, they
issued brief statements as if programmed to do so.
TO RESCUE HUBBLE TELESCOPE
But only if we agree to their demands.
BIRTH GONE WILD IN COSMIC HURRICANE
For science geeks, this almost, but not quite, knocks the hell out of
all of those "Girls Gone Wild' videos.
ASKS MEMBERSHIP FOR STRONG WAR CHEST
that was the original headline at imdb.com for Thursday, May 20,
2004. And right underneath that headline was this photo of Actor
and SAG President Melissa Gilbert. That headline, this photo.
You know, I'm just going to leave it at that!
IN FALLUJA AFTER DARK
The nightlife of Iraq leaves much to be desired.
SUCCESSFULLY FIGHTS OFF A BEAR ATTACK
Okay, this 15 year old kid was on a Wilderness Expedition for "troubled
youth", right? He thought the inner city was bad news, right? But
on this expedition he was forced to defend his life by popping a 400
pound bear in the puss! WHY? Because the bear was trying to EAT HIM!
He fended off the bear long enough for the rest of his camp mates to
pepper spray the animal.
puts your silly-ass "inner city" problems into perspective,
AMERICAN CHESTNUT MAY RETURN
It may return, yes: but it will be a long, long time before it can ever
FUEL CHEMICAL IN CALIFORNIA COW MILK
This July 4th, light a pint of Yoplait!
POSTPONES SPACEWALK REHEARSAL
Rehearsal for "Show Boat" goes on as planned.
INDIA DISCUSS SPACE COOPERATION
True, this all happened a thousand years ago, but no one recalls the
IN FILM PIRATE, GET $500
$500, sure - but what about the rum?
FENDS OFF ALLIGATOR ATTACK WITH SWIFT PUNCH
So now this 12 year old kid was swimming in the lake behind his grandma's
house. An alligator chomps down on his head, wraps his tail around the
boy, and tries to drag him under. But the kid gives the gator a gut
punch, UNDER WATER, and the 7 foot freaking gator swims away!
I've stopped worrying about the future of America!
MILITARY RAIDS CHALABI HOME
But found no Jack in the Box Pannidos on toasted Ciabatta Baguettes.
Now the soldiers just falafel!
ORCAS AMAZE ONLOOKERS
Who knew they could stroll?
DOG DNA SHOWS INFLUENCE OF MAN
Those lonely friday nights in the European countryside will haunt us
for centuries to come.
COURT HEARS ARGUMENTS ON CHENEY TASK FORCE
Hey! You with the twisted beak! Say something already!
OUTING TAX EVADERS ONLINE
In 13 states they are trying to shame delinquent taxpayers by posting
their names online. But seriously: I mean, you didn't pay your tax and
this is as bad as it will get? This is really more like bragging rights,
FIND 50 MUMMIES IN SHAFTS
The mummies are doing well and are looking forward to just getting out
and spending some time with their families again.
AFRICAN SNAILS SEIZED FROM SCHOOLS
The massive creatures were in the middle of a very slow rampage.
URGES END TO ALL WMD
WARNS OF 'IMPORTANT WINDOWS FLAWS'
What's the difference between Israeli & Palestinian attacks, and
Windows? Israelis and Palestinians don't have as many problems.
PORN ACTORS CLEARED FOR WORK
Tomorrow 19 people will say, "Oh great! Now I gotta go back to
my f*cking job."
MALES HAVE EATING DISORDERS
Sadly, there is one less thing for women to bitch about.
SPY FBI AGENT PLEADS GUILTY
FBI agent pleaded guilty Wednesday to lying about his 20 year affair
with a woman alleged to be a Chinese double agent.
He faces up to five years in prison when he is sentenced.
His lover was Katrina Leung, a naturalized citizen and who was recruited
20 years ago to work for the FBI, gathering intelligence during frequent
business trips to China.
Leung is charged with taking classified documents from Smith's briefcase.
She faces up to 14 years in prison, if convicted, of illegally copying
and possessing national security papers that she intended to use - or
could have used - to harm the interests of the United States.
all some pretty hard punishment for a very serious crime, but whatta
great 20 years they had!
REIGNITES SUPERCOMPUTER WARS
Can Super Robot wars be far behind? Aw hell! Robots are passé!
We got genetic technology! Let's create GODZILLA! You can scoop up after