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So shifty it needs its own separate article: Read the story behind the curious and unsupported "facts" as presented by the anti-drug U.S. government site, Media Campaign
Feo let's them hang by their own non-hemp rope in
TEEN POT USE

 


IN THE NEWS

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS
All news links open in separate browser windows

AUG! 27 , 2004

abcnews

FAT ACTIVISTS SEE DIET INDUSTRY DRAINING
Actual Quote from Associated Press:
Unashamed of their size, fed up with fat jokes, and angry at the national obsession with dieting, overweight activists are mounting a feisty protest movement against the medical establishment's campaign against obesity.
Actual Quote from Marilyn Wann, a militant member of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA):
"We're living in the middle of a witch hunt and fat people are the witches. It's gotten markedly worse in the last few years because of the propaganda that fatness, a natural human characteristic (like high blood pressure, heart disease, gout, diabetes, and osteoporosis), is somehow a form of disease."

The fat activists at NAAFA are right! They are absolutely right!

But they're still fat.

MAGGOTS MAKE MEDICAL COMEBACK
Cleaning infected wounds and sores may sound like a low level job, but its a pretty good career move for a maggot!

CHANCES SLIM FOR BEACHED WHALE IN BRAZIL
Since being rejected by his pod, the whale feels all washed up.
HA! YES! I SAID IT!

STARRY STARE
This story is all about an expensive surgical procedure (At $3,900 dollars a pop, it's more expensive than Lasik. More expensive than some forms of breast augmentation or liposuction) to implant jewelry right into your eyeball. No fooling. A piece of metal - In Your Eye! The operation is catching on from Europe to the U.S. even though there have been zero clinical trials to find out whether or not this is safe in the long term. But I'll tell you what, if it turns out to be unsafe, most of these soon-to-be half-blind pampered jackasses will get on TV and blame society.
"Oh! It isn't my fault! Its our society that demands that women be beautiful!"

BULLSHIT!
Show me where in the hell society wants you to put a freaking piece of metal in your freaking eye!

bbcnews


AVIAN FLU 'DISCOVERED IN PIGS'
So ... how long before pigs fly?

ANIMALS 'ARE MORAL BEINGS'
And since they don't try to impose their morals on us, they are noble to boot!

PUBLIC INVITED TO HUNT METEORITES
Though outside of their field of interest, PETA (People for the Ethical Treament of Asteroids) are watching this development with a critical eye.

SQUIRRELS EMIT 'SILENT SCREAM'
Which no one can hear so no one comes running over to save them. Stupid squirrels!


cnn.com

BUSH TO STUMP PANHANDLE WITH MCCAIN
On a special political edition of Hollywood Squares.

U.S. COMPANY SAYS IT CLONES COPY CATS
Because there STILL aren't enough cats in the world.

CHINA SEARCH FOR WOMEN ASTRONAUTS
Some Chinese government officials believe they may be hiding in the rain forests, but most believe they may be hiding among the underage prostitutes of Thailand. So the Chinese officials have gone off on a government subsidized fact finding mission. If successful, they'llreturn with women astronauts and revitalized youth. It is not known what else they may UN-expectedly return with: i.e. where a Chinese official returns from Thailand with something unexpected but hardly, you know, surprising - not to put too fine a point on it.

WALKING MONKEY APES HUMANS
So far the monkey is acting arch, talking snarky, and bitching about its weight.

NASA TURNS TO DEEP SEA TRAINING FOR SPACE
Among the space training lessons taught at sea: handling intense atmosphere pressures, reacting to water leaks, and avoiding space sharks.


DROP COD FOR POLLOCK SAY MARINE CONSERVATIONISTS
Self-drubbed "Art-intellectuals" from Manhattan to Munich are throwing exclusive champagne parties to welcome this news. Up until this moment, they had no idea that they could replace fish in their diet with their appreciation for abstract-expressionism.

 

JULY 19, 2004

cbsnews.com

HAWKING: MY BLACK HOLE MODEL WRONG
Scientist and reoccurring character voice on THE SIMPSON'S, Steve Hawkings gave this testy statement to the press today. "Hey gang, anybody can be wrong and in case you can't tell by looking at me, I'm prone to as much human weakness as the next person. That said, my change of heart is also based upon theory; theoretical quantum physics to be exact. So I could be wrong again."

THE BUSH TWINS' COMING OUT PARTY
You gotta admit: They look totally hot - even if one of them does kinda resemble their pop.
Now look at John Kerry's daughters. They both kinda look like their old man, although I'm sure they have great personalities.

No insult intended. After all, Chelsea Clinton also has a great personality. At least I would think she has to have one. Reagan's daughter is so hot she had a photo spread in Playboy! I would speculate that Amy Carter has a great personality too.

 

cnn.com

STUDY: RICH AND POOR SKIP IMMUNIZATIONS
Which is why the middle class is bigger than both of them. Of course, we DO have to cover the poor people's health care and fight wars for the rich folks. Oh, you don't believe that? Are Bush's children in the war? Are Kerry's children in the war? What about Hillary Clinton? Is her child in the war? They all voted for this war! Do any multimillionaires or billionaires have children in the war? Even in active military? Exactly! So shut up.

OVERTIME HIKES NURSING ERRORS, STUDY SHOWS
What? You mean overworked, exhausted, stressed out nurses are actually MORE prone to errors than alert, well-rested, calm nurses? Damn! Who in the hell would have ever believed that? Why this study is a monumental achievement!

FRANCE ACCUSES U.S. OF HIV DRUG 'BLACKMAIL'
Uh... isn't this the same France that, just two years ago, told us that the US should stay out of the world's business?

The BBC (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3891385.stm), in reporting this story, calls French president Jacque Chirac's accusing the US of HIV Drug Blackmail a "veiled threat" (?). What would be an unveiled threat?

The United States already contributes more money ($15 billion so far) to AIDS research and drug distribution than the entire European Union combined.

France cannot afford to give much to the AIDS fight because they are actively supporting, with money, arms, and soldiers, mass genocide in Sudan (for oil) and in the Congo (for diamonds).

PELICANS MISTAKE ARIZONA ASPHALT FOR LAKES
Maybe a pelican doesn't know the difference between a car and a boat, but you'd think the double yellow stripes would be a dead give-away.

 

abcnews

CASSINI SPACECRAFT EMERGES FROM BEHIND SUN
Unexpectedly scaring Mercury right out of its orbit.

SMEAR FACTOR: IS MICROSOFT WAGING A SECRET WAR OF SLANDER AGAINST LINUX?
You mean YET ANOTHER secret war or the on-running SCO vapor-lawsuit backed-by-Microsoft slander against Linux?

 

reuters.com

EUROPE'S LARGEST DINOSAUR RISES FROM SPANISH FIELDS
Suprising the hell out of just about everybody except old Ned.

DANGLING FROM MEATHOOKS, FOR FUN
And we think the cows are mad!

MAN JAILED FOR SHOOTING OFF HIS TESTICLES
Thing is, you just can't improve on a headline like that.
That said, this should provide a dilema for The Darwin Awards. The Darwin Award is granted to those people (posthumously in times past) who have bettered the human gene pool by removing themselves from it. Here is a man whose stupidity has clearly removed himself from the gene pool, yet he lives to tell about it. It's a pickle by golly.

MEXICO ATTORNEY GENERAL HAS MICROCHIP FITTED IN HIS ARM
Among his reasons for doing this is to make him traceable should he ever be kidnapped or assaulted. Clearly, this guy has no concept of the gruesome brutality of kidnappers in his own country and almost seems to beg to be a target. He boasts that the microchip is embedded in ONE of his arms (he isn't saying which one) and cannot be removed.

Well, if past kidnappings in Mexico are any indication, his microchip may not be removable but his arms sure are.

Perhaps he might want to have the microchip embedded somewhere in his head. That way, if he is kidnapped and they leave his head behind, nobody is going to waste time and money trying to find the body.

MICROSOFT CEO TOUTS SECURITY PUSH AT CONFERENCE
2 years after the launch of Microsoft's "Trustworthy Computing" and this time, THIS TIME, they are really, REALLY - no fooling this time for SURE - they are REALLY SERIOUS!

MICROSOFT WINDOWS UPDATE SET FOR AUG., AFTER DELAY
Okay, so there was a 2 month delay for Service Pack 2 and known and exposed holes were hacked into and lots of people lost thousands of hours of valuable time and millions of dollars, but this time Microsoft is REALLY! SERIOUSLY! SERIOUS!

 

JULY 5, 2004

bbcnews

HUBBLE DISCOVERS 100 NEW PLANETS
Apparently, they've been right above our heads this entire time.

 

abcnews

STEALTH SUGARS
Radar cannot detect them! Infrared cannot detect them! But they sneak into your house and get inside you WHILE YOU SLEEP, making you fat enough to file a lawsuit!

These and many other lame-ass excuses are being debated by the Tubby Lard Lobby Think-Tank & All-You-Can-Freakin'-Eat Buffet in Washington D.C.

FDA APPROVES LEECHES AS MEDICAL DEVICES
First it was maggots, and now leeches. Soon, the FDA will grant medical licenses to barbers. And of course, if barbers get them then hairdressers will want them too!

Renaldo will do your colonoscopy today and give you nice highlights!

 

cnn.com

WHEN GIANT HIPPOS ROAMED BRITAIN
They didn't fret over the pros and cons of shaved armpits or rolling their cigarettes into the perfect trumpet shape. They were content to play in the warm, muddy Thames; set enormous circles of stones on end; and get a good three square meals a day. Then some dumbass invented "clotted cream" and the entire culture went straight to hell!

MILITARY ON ALERT FOR COKE'S CHIP CONTEST
If just ONE of those cans get 'shaken-up': The horror! THE HORROR!

LEOPARDS HUNT HUMANS IN INDIAN PARK
New India tourist attraction fails to generate enthusiasm from volunteers, let alone paying customers.

SPERM COUNT, CELL PHONE LINK DISMISSED
Which just goes to show that, even if men think with their penis, they don't talk with the damn thing.

BREAST MILK COMPOUND SHRINKS WARTS
And can be taken orally!
It doesn't really cure warts that way, but who the hell cares?

SATURN MISSION TO REVEAL MYSTERIOUS PLANET
Reveal A mysterious planet??? DAMN IT! It was SUPPOSED to reveal Saturn!

APPLE'S MAC OS 'TIGER' READY TO POUNCE
Uh huh. Ready to pounce on a machine that controls an entire single digit of the personal computer market.
O.
Wow.

Now if only 'Tiger' was stable enough to run on a fast and powerful machine aka a standard PC, instead of a foot dragging Mac.

RAT DRUG MAY BOOST SEX DRIVE IN WOMEN, STUDY FINDS
I totally don't get the marketing concept for this. If a woman isn't all that interested in sex, why would she want to spend good money for a drug that would make her really interested in sex?

I mean, I'm not all that interested in going to Branson, Missouri. So why would I want to buy a drug that would get me really interested in going to Branson, Missouri?

POTENT MOSQUITO VIRUS SKIPS U.S., FOR NOW
Viruses have busy schedules, you know? They'll just catch us on the flipside.

PIGEONS LEAD TO HIDDEN RENAISSANCE FRESCO
Hmmm... appaently these were stool Pigeons!

REPORT: SCIENTISTS CURE BURPING SHEEP
This success will allow the scientists to turn their attention to farting cows and giggling piggies. Pigs hate to get the giggles and who can blame them? Doncha just hate it when you get the giggles? I know I do. And always at the worst moment - like when I'm getting a bj.

I've always felt bad about it, really!: But my partners just look so damn funny when they do that to me, that I can't help but laugh at them. Yep. I'm quite the piggie!

 

JUNE 25 , 2004

reuters.com

SCHOOL PROGRAM HELPS BOYS SAY NO TO SEX: STUDY
Helps boys say no to sex? Oh HOW we freaking need this program! Christ! I remember when I was a boy, how frightened I was of all those hormonally aggressive girls coming on to me: wanting only ONE thing! And I had to let them have their way with me if I (sob!) wanted to be popular. Oh Oprah, if only I had known how to just say no!

Nowadays I'm old and cranky and I'm sick to the teeth of having my tax money support these damn unwed fathers, by cracky! Put yer kid up for adoption and get a job, punk!

bbc.co.uk

GENE IS TO BLAME FOR UNRULY HAIR
And he ain't sorry!

TOP HONOUR FOR ROBOT HEROES
The robots, incapable of being impressed, observed the occassion with dispassionate indifference. When called upon to make a speech, they issued brief statements as if programmed to do so.

ROBOTS TO RESCUE HUBBLE TELESCOPE
But only if we agree to their demands.

space.com

STAR BIRTH GONE WILD IN COSMIC HURRICANE
For science geeks, this almost, but not quite, knocks the hell out of all of those "Girls Gone Wild' videos.

imdb.com


Photo by Steve Granitz - © WireImage.com

PRESIDENT ASKS MEMBERSHIP FOR STRONG WAR CHEST

Yep, that was the original headline at imdb.com for Thursday, May 20, 2004. And right underneath that headline was this photo of Actor and SAG President Melissa Gilbert. That headline, this photo. You know, I'm just going to leave it at that!

 

 

 

 

 


abcnews.com

FIGHTING IN FALLUJA AFTER DARK
The nightlife of Iraq leaves much to be desired.

BOY SUCCESSFULLY FIGHTS OFF A BEAR ATTACK
Okay, this 15 year old kid was on a Wilderness Expedition for "troubled youth", right? He thought the inner city was bad news, right? But on this expedition he was forced to defend his life by popping a 400 pound bear in the puss! WHY? Because the bear was trying to EAT HIM! He fended off the bear long enough for the rest of his camp mates to pepper spray the animal.

This kinda puts your silly-ass "inner city" problems into perspective, doesn't it?

 

cnn.com

DEVASTATED AMERICAN CHESTNUT MAY RETURN
It may return, yes: but it will be a long, long time before it can ever forgive.

ROCKET FUEL CHEMICAL IN CALIFORNIA COW MILK
This July 4th, light a pint of Yoplait!

RUSSIA POSTPONES SPACEWALK REHEARSAL
Rehearsal for "Show Boat" goes on as planned.

U.S., INDIA DISCUSS SPACE COOPERATION
True, this all happened a thousand years ago, but no one recalls the outcome.

TURN IN FILM PIRATE, GET $500
$500, sure - but what about the rum?

BOY FENDS OFF ALLIGATOR ATTACK WITH SWIFT PUNCH
So now this 12 year old kid was swimming in the lake behind his grandma's house. An alligator chomps down on his head, wraps his tail around the boy, and tries to drag him under. But the kid gives the gator a gut punch, UNDER WATER, and the 7 foot freaking gator swims away!

Okay, so, I've stopped worrying about the future of America!

U.S. MILITARY RAIDS CHALABI HOME
But found no Jack in the Box Pannidos on toasted Ciabatta Baguettes. Now the soldiers just falafel!

WANDERING ORCAS AMAZE ONLOOKERS
Who knew they could stroll?

STUDY: DOG DNA SHOWS INFLUENCE OF MAN
Those lonely friday nights in the European countryside will haunt us for centuries to come.

HIGH COURT HEARS ARGUMENTS ON CHENEY TASK FORCE
Hey! You with the twisted beak! Say something already!

STATES OUTING TAX EVADERS ONLINE
In 13 states they are trying to shame delinquent taxpayers by posting their names online. But seriously: I mean, you didn't pay your tax and this is as bad as it will get? This is really more like bragging rights, yeah?

EGYPTOLOGISTS FIND 50 MUMMIES IN SHAFTS
The mummies are doing well and are looking forward to just getting out and spending some time with their families again.

GIANT AFRICAN SNAILS SEIZED FROM SCHOOLS
The massive creatures were in the middle of a very slow rampage.

GADHAFI URGES END TO ALL WMD
Or else!

MICROSOFT WARNS OF 'IMPORTANT WINDOWS FLAWS'
What's the difference between Israeli & Palestinian attacks, and Windows? Israelis and Palestinians don't have as many problems.

 

cbsnews.com

19 PORN ACTORS CLEARED FOR WORK
Tomorrow 19 people will say, "Oh great! Now I gotta go back to my f*cking job."

MORE MALES HAVE EATING DISORDERS
Sadly, there is one less thing for women to bitch about.

CHINA SPY FBI AGENT PLEADS GUILTY
FBI agent pleaded guilty Wednesday to lying about his 20 year affair with a woman alleged to be a Chinese double agent.
He faces up to five years in prison when he is sentenced.
His lover was Katrina Leung, a naturalized citizen and who was recruited 20 years ago to work for the FBI, gathering intelligence during frequent business trips to China.
Leung is charged with taking classified documents from Smith's briefcase. She faces up to 14 years in prison, if convicted, of illegally copying and possessing national security papers that she intended to use - or could have used - to harm the interests of the United States.

So its all some pretty hard punishment for a very serious crime, but whatta great 20 years they had!

U.S. REIGNITES SUPERCOMPUTER WARS
Can Super Robot wars be far behind? Aw hell! Robots are passé! We got genetic technology! Let's create GODZILLA! You can scoop up after him.

HORRIBLE NEWS ARCHIVES

CREDITS

 


CULLED FROM THE BOWELS OF:
News Resources

ABCNEWS.COM

ANANOVA.COM

BBCNEWS

CBSNEWS.COM

CNN

FOXNEWS.COM

INFOBEAT.COM

myway.com

MSNBC.COM

NEW YORK TIMES

REUTERS

 

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THE HARDCORE
REAL SITES OF REAL EXTREMISTS AND THEIR REASONS

Home site of the #1 False Prophet of the world, Hal Lindsey! He's had so many of his prophecies crap out that now he only prophecizes about things that will happen long after he's dead and doesn't have to humiliate himself anymore. and he STILL has his followers!
HALLINDSEY ORACLE.COM

Neal Horsely is neither racist or sexist, but he is a Christian man who feels that he is witnessing a great evil: Human Abortion.
This is the site that provides a HIT LIST for would be murderers of Abortion Clinic Doctors. Think this site is totally evil? You may be right. But now you have the opportunity to form your own opinion instead of just having it spoon-fed to you.

CHRISTIAN GALLERY.COM

Michael Jackson used to look black, but thanks to numerous surgeries, he's white (and possibly female). David Duke (now living in France) used to look Jewish, but thanks to numerous surgeries, HE's white! Read what new tricks this former KKK Wizard, (and still pal of former klansman, Sen. Robert Byrd [D]), with his poofy little doggie, is up to. The way he gushes over us white folk is enough to make me blush!
DAVID DUKE

Another prissy and effeminate hate monger - only he don't like my kind! In the interest of equal time I did my damndest to find a site by Louie, but no cigar. Here is the only thing I could find. Louie in his own words.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN

He made a movie about his trials and tribulations in promoting his book, DOWNSIZE THIS. The film, THE BIG ONE, was hailed by critics, but since it trashed liberal businesses (like Nike) and the Clinton administration, it was crushed by the distributor, Miramax, which only released it to 33 theaters (according to the imdb.com). Since then, to insure good distribution, Michael's curtailed both his freedom of speech and thought, making only movies frothing with liberalism and fanatically bashing everything else! Check out Michael Moore in his own words, but better save those webpages. He tends to erase his contradictions often.
MICHAEL MOORE

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