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So shifty it needs its own separate article: Read the story behind the curious and unsupported "facts" as presented by the anti-drug U.S. government site, Media Campaign
Feo let's them hang by their own non-hemp rope in
TEEN POT USE


IN THE NEWS

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS
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March 20 , 2003

From abcnews.com

HAMAS VOWS REVENGE AFTER STRONGMAN KILLED
Let's see, this makes how many revenges vowed by the Hammies? And they are going to do... what different than what they've been doing all along anyway? YAWN!

ACTIVISTS PLAN PROTESTS IF WAR STARTS
Let's see, this makes how many protests vowed by the ActTeeVees? And they are going to do what different than what they've been doing all along anyway? YAWN!

KITTY HAWK CREW HOLDS 'STEEL BEACH PARTY'
A 'steel beach' means they party on the flight deck. It also means these men have been at sea for 45 days with no one around but each other. And now, for the first time in 45 days, they are going to drink beer. A Beach party without bikinis or women, just a bunch of other men, beer drinking and no real outlet. On land that's called a State Pen Party. Ahem!

 

From cnn.com

350,000-YEAR-OLD FOOTPRINTS DISCOVERED
Scientists haven't identified who could have made the footprints, though they suspect it was Murray.

SCIENTISTS WARN OF MASSIVE WAVE
In an effort to stave off this potential threat, big foam hands will no longer be sold at sporting events.

Actually this comes from an article written back in 2001, but it has only now been brought to my attention. Supposedly, Dr Simon Day, of the Benfield Greig Hazard Research Centre at University College London and Dr Steven Ward, from the University of California say that the potential for a massive wave as high as 330 feet tall could be caused by the next major volcanic boom from the Canary islands. Please keep your damn canaries quiet, I say!

But what really makes me question the perspicacity of this story, is the fact that this wave will travel 155 miles in 10 minutes. I mean, the Speed of Sound through dry earth atmosphere is rated at a general 761 miles per hour (the speed of sound - compressibility-) through gas. That's mach 1. Supersonic speed is considered anything over Mach 1 and at 155 miles in 10 minutes we are talking about 930 miles per hour, definitely SUPERSONIC speeds! With given wind resistance and friction, some metals melt at this speed! That would really be something to see...although you wouldn't hear it.

 

FEBRUARY 17 , 2003

From abcnews.com

HAS WAR BEGUN?
abcnews.com claims that war with Iraq has already begun. According to this dubious story "U.S. warplanes are bombing Iraqi air defenses almost every day."

Funny, you'd think the two official state newspapers of Iraq, Iraq Daily and the online Uruklink.net published by Saddam Hussein's Ministry of Information would make SOME mention of it! You'd think any of the newspapers in the Arab realm would make SOME mention of it. They sure as hell mentioned it in 1999 & 1999 when Iraq was getting bombed "almost every day" under Clinton's orders.

SADDAM BANS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Oh, NOW he bans weapons of mass destruction!

 

From cnn.com

HUMANS TASTE GOOD TO ALL LIONS, NOT JUST THE SICK
And we're a third less fattening!

DELL 'DUDE' ARRESTED ON MARIJUANA COUNT
Dude! Like everybody's shocked?

'INVISIBLE CONDOM' PROTECTS MONKEYS FROM AIDS VIRUS
Happy news for you and your monkey!

Though this was posted at CNN, the article comes from Rueters, which added this bit of lunacy to their story,
"AIDS has no cure and is always fatal, although expensive and toxic drugs can extend a patient's life for years. Condoms are the best known method for stopping its transmission."

For one thing, the mystery of AIDS is its highly mutagenic properties. As such, it isn't ALWAYS fatal, which is a curiosity currently under study. What's more, toxic drugs that extend your life are preferable to a non-toxic death! And finally, Condoms are NOT the best known method for stopping the transmission of AIDS! Condoms are only the best way to stop the spread of infection WHEN you are having sex with an AIDS infected person! Altering behavior is the best way, i.e.: NO SEX, NO BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS, and NO EXCHANGE OF BODILY FLUIDS with infected persons are the BEST KNOWN methods! DUH, Rueters!

FEBRUARY 1 , 2003

From cnn.com

80,000 LARGE-SCREEN, ANALOG TVS RECALLED
A foolish lawsuit has been won requiring all sets to labeled with the warning: "Not To Be Taken Internally".

METAL DETECTOR FINDS LOST COINS IN KIDS
A new opportunity for those who feel that beaches have been picked clean.

AOL LOSES $44.9 BILLION
Bringing its total to 98.7 billion for the year of 2002 (true)! More losses in one year than Microsoft gained in five (true again, after posted losses and expenses)! And since AOL is the most expensive major dial-up with the least amount of service: no wonder its #1!

DOCTOR SUED FOR BRANDING UTERUS DEFENDS ACTIONS
The things Nike will pay for to get noticed.


CLONAID CHIEF BRIDGETTE BOISSELIER .
WILL HER CLONE HAVE BETTER TEETH?

BABY EVE CLONE IS IN ISRAEL, COMPANY CHIEF CLAIMS
But then, as we've discovered, Clonaid will say pretty much any damn thing. Now that they make clones, I'm guessing all the male Raelians will cut off their nuts and wait for a passing spaceship to give them $5 dollar rides?

On another note: I have evidence that Raelians eat shit and bark at the moon. They can deny it, but I will show the world proof in ONE WEEK!

WOMAN SUES LAB OVER MAILING OF LEG
The following just goes to show that I suck when trying to make up crazier stuff than the truth: LaMara Lane gets a package from Houston, Texas and thinks it is her LobsterGram (Lobsters from Texas? Anyway...). Excited at the delicious thought, she opens the frozen container to find her dead Father's LEG! (insert a Sam Kinison scream here) Before you ask why LobsterGram was shipping her dead Father's leg instead of lobster, check this out: The Texas company, Identigene Inc., was following a COURT ORDER to send LaMara her dead Father's leg! Why just the leg? Why not the whole body and why via the regular MAIL? Just wait. Identigene Inc., was just following a court order: they had no say in the matter.

Why didn't LaMara notice that the package was clearly marked Identigene Inc., instead of LobsterGram? Also unknown, though I guess LaMara is just nuts for lobster! But when her Father, George Semmons died in 2000, he left to LaMara $200,000 dollars in his will. George's sister immediately contested the will saying that LaMara was not George's daughter and so should not get the money. Thanks Auntie, Bitch! Identigene Inc., a DNA testing company, was contracted to decide the matter and proved, via samples from George's leg, that LaMara was indeed George's progeny. But what to do with the left overs? Texas Court says, "Send 'Em To His Daughter, by God! It's her Pop, after all, and the poor woman's been through enough!"

Now LobsterGrams are a tasty gift up in Alaska where LaMara lives, and Christmas is round about the time that most of those frozen folks get them. So without really looking at the packaging, LaMara tore into that mail! But the sight of her dead Father's leg made her lose her appetite. She is SO upset about it, that her Father's leg currently resides in her neighbor's freezer! Now THAT'S a helpful neighbor! "Hey Honey! How about some ice cream with dinner tonight? It's in the freezer next to LaMara's dead Father's LEG!"

MICROSOFT ALSO GETS SLAMMED BY WORM
After a week of sneering at IT directors who got screwed by a virus/hacker worm called Slammer, Microsoft caught the bug themselves. How? Well, the virus-like attack exploits a known flaw (MS released the patch way back in June of 2002) in Microsoft's "SQL Server 2000" database software. Microsoft quickly sneered at all the Windows users (their own customers!) who got bitten, by saying "Neener! Neener! Not our fault, jerks!"

Perhaps they were trying to cut off potential barbs from Linux folk thirsting for another swipe at the Gate's Empire

Now MS has been attacked by the same virus. Wha- WHAT? How could this BE? Because THEY never bothered to install their OWN patch on their OWN systems either! Why? Could there be something wrong with the patch? Something that they don't want running on their own systems? Who knows? But do 6 months go past where Microsoft doesn't make a complete fool of itself?

No wonder it's #1!

 

From abcnews.com

BUSH, DEMS GRAPPLE OVER FISCAL PRUDENCE
A shy and lonely maiden for the better part of her 80 years, old Prudence is now having the time of her life!

BUSTED PLAYING A COMPUTER GAME IN PARLIAMENT
Trond Helleland, a member of the ruling Conservative Party, was caught by chamber cameras playing a computer game on his pocket PC while members of the august body were debating a war with Iraq for REAL! HA!

Trond apologized saying, "Ey reelize it vas veddy stutpet uff me. I vill not tu it again, tat's fer sure!"

SENATE PANEL ENDORSES SNOW NOMINATION
The Senate really warmed to Snow and endorsed him with a 'show of cones'.

SENATORS SEEK PENSION ASSURANCES FROM SNOW
But Democratic Senators get a chilly response (yeah, I'm going to have a lot of stupid fun with this one over the years).

'AN ABUSE THING'
Sydney Simpson, daughter of O.J. Simpson (civil court convicted murderer of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson), tearfully called 911 January 18 to report "An abuse thing" regarding her Father. A hunt for O.J. turned up his lawyer who quickly claimed that O.J. was not in the house when his daughter was allegedly abused. O.J. Simpson was finally found regaling a bunch of drunks in the club house of an exclusive all-white golf course. He stopped telling football glory stories long enough to call on the Black American community to stand by him against this "mulatto woman" who is "Obstructing my ongoing search for the Real Killers!".

HORRIBLE NEWS ARCHIVES

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CULLED FROM THE BOWELS OF:
News Resources

ABCNEWS.COM

ANANOVA.COM

BBCNEWS

CBSNEWS.COM

CNN

FOXNEWS.COM

INFOBEAT.COM

myway.com

MSNBC.COM

NEW YORK TIMES

REUTERS

 

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THE HARDCORE
REAL SITES OF REAL EXTREMISTS AND THEIR REASONS

Home site of the #1 False Prophet of the world, Hal Lindsey! He's had so many of his prophecies crap out that now he only prophecizes about things that will happen long after he's dead and doesn't have to humiliate himself anymore. and he STILL has his followers!
HALLINDSEY ORACLE.COM

Neal Horsely is neither racist or sexist, but he is a Christian man who feels that he is witnessing a great evil: Human Abortion.
This is the site that provides a HIT LIST for would be murderers of Abortion Clinic Doctors. Think this site is totally evil? You may be right. But now you have the opportunity to form your own opinion instead of just having it spoon-fed to you.

CHRISTIAN GALLERY.COM

Michael Jackson used to look black, but thanks to numerous surgeries, he's white (and possibly female). David Duke (now living in France) used to look Jewish, but thanks to numerous surgeries, HE's white! Read what new tricks this former KKK Wizard, (and still pal of former klansman, Sen. Robert Byrd [D]), with his poofy little doggie, is up to. The way he gushes over us white folk is enough to make me blush!
DAVID DUKE

Another prissy and effeminate hate monger - only he don't like my kind! In the interest of equal time I did my damndest to find a site by Louie, but no cigar. Here is the only thing I could find. Louie in his own words.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN

He made a movie about his trials and tribulations in promoting his book, DOWNSIZE THIS. The film, THE BIG ONE, was hailed by critics, but since it trashed liberal businesses (like Nike) and the Clinton administration, it was crushed by the distributor, Miramax, which only released it to 33 theaters (according to the imdb.com). Since then, to insure good distribution, Michael's curtailed both his freedom of speech and thought, making only movies frothing with liberalism and fanatically bashing everything else! Check out Michael Moore in his own words, but better save those webpages. He tends to erase his contradictions often.
MICHAEL MOORE

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