IS GREAT STUFF!
- Tom Piccirilli
shifty it needs its own separate article: Read the story behind
the curious and unsupported "facts" as presented by
the anti-drug U.S. government site, Media
Feo let's them hang by their own non-hemp rope in
TEEN POT USE
IN THE NEWS
HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS
All news links open in separate browser windows
20 , 2003
VOWS REVENGE AFTER STRONGMAN KILLED
Let's see, this makes how many revenges vowed by the Hammies? And they
are going to do... what different than what they've been doing all along
PLAN PROTESTS IF WAR STARTS
Let's see, this makes how many protests vowed by the ActTeeVees? And
they are going to do what different than what they've been doing
all along anyway? YAWN!
HAWK CREW HOLDS 'STEEL BEACH PARTY'
A 'steel beach' means they party on the flight deck. It also means these
men have been at sea for 45 days with no one around but each other.
And now, for the first time in 45 days, they are going to drink beer.
A Beach party without bikinis or women, just a bunch of other men, beer
drinking and no real outlet. On land that's called a State Pen Party.
Scientists haven't identified who could have made the footprints, though
they suspect it was Murray.
WARN OF MASSIVE WAVE
In an effort to stave off this potential threat, big foam hands will
no longer be sold at sporting events.
this comes from an article written back in 2001, but it has only now
been brought to my attention. Supposedly, Dr Simon Day, of the Benfield
Greig Hazard Research Centre at University College London and Dr Steven
Ward, from the University of California say that the potential for a
massive wave as high as 330 feet tall could be caused by the next major
volcanic boom from the Canary islands. Please keep your damn canaries
quiet, I say!
what really makes me question the perspicacity of this story, is the
fact that this wave will travel 155 miles in 10 minutes. I mean, the
of Sound through dry earth atmosphere is rated at a general 761
miles per hour (the speed of sound - compressibility-)
through gas. That's mach 1. Supersonic speed is considered anything
over Mach 1 and at 155 miles in 10 minutes we are talking about 930
miles per hour, definitely SUPERSONIC speeds! With given wind resistance
and friction, some metals melt at this speed! That would really be something
to see...although you wouldn't hear it.
17 , 2003
abcnews.com claims that war with Iraq has already begun. According to this dubious
story "U.S. warplanes are bombing Iraqi air defenses almost every
Funny, you'd think the two official state newspapers of Iraq, Iraq Daily and the online Uruklink.net
published by Saddam Hussein's Ministry of Information would make SOME
mention of it! You'd think any of the newspapers in the Arab realm would
make SOME mention of it. They sure as hell mentioned it in 1999 & 1999
when Iraq was getting bombed "almost every day" under Clinton's
SADDAM BANS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Oh, NOW he bans weapons of mass destruction!
TASTE GOOD TO ALL LIONS, NOT JUST THE SICK
And we're a third less fattening!
'DUDE' ARRESTED ON MARIJUANA COUNT
Dude! Like everybody's shocked?
CONDOM' PROTECTS MONKEYS FROM AIDS VIRUS
Happy news for you and your monkey!
this was posted at CNN, the article comes from Rueters, which added
this bit of lunacy to their story,
"AIDS has no
cure and is always fatal, although expensive and toxic drugs can extend
a patient's life for years. Condoms are the best known method for stopping
one thing, the mystery of AIDS is its highly mutagenic properties. As
such, it isn't ALWAYS
which is a curiosity currently under study. What's more, toxic
drugs that extend your life are preferable to a non-toxic death!
And finally, Condoms are NOT the best known method for stopping the
of AIDS! Condoms are only the best way to stop the spread
of infection WHEN you are having sex with an AIDS infected
person! Altering behavior
is the best way, i.e.: NO SEX, NO BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS, and NO EXCHANGE
OF BODILY FLUIDS with infected persons are the BEST KNOWN methods! DUH,
1 , 2003
LARGE-SCREEN, ANALOG TVS RECALLED
A foolish lawsuit has been won requiring all sets to labeled with the
warning: "Not To Be Taken Internally".
DETECTOR FINDS LOST COINS IN KIDS
A new opportunity for those who feel that beaches have been picked clean.
LOSES $44.9 BILLION
Bringing its total to 98.7 billion for the year of 2002 (true)!
More losses in one year than Microsoft gained in five (true
again, after posted losses and expenses)! And since AOL is the
most expensive major dial-up with the least amount of service: no wonder
SUED FOR BRANDING UTERUS DEFENDS ACTIONS
The things Nike will pay for to get noticed.
CHIEF BRIDGETTE BOISSELIER .
WILL HER CLONE HAVE BETTER TEETH?
EVE CLONE IS IN ISRAEL, COMPANY CHIEF CLAIMS
But then, as we've discovered, Clonaid will say pretty much any
damn thing. Now that they make clones, I'm guessing all the male
Raelians will cut off their nuts and wait for a passing spaceship
to give them $5 dollar rides?
On another note: I have evidence that Raelians eat shit and bark
at the moon. They can deny it, but I will show the world proof
in ONE WEEK!
SUES LAB OVER MAILING OF LEG
The following just goes to show that I suck when trying to make up crazier
stuff than the truth: LaMara Lane gets a package from Houston, Texas
and thinks it is her LobsterGram (Lobsters from
Texas? Anyway...). Excited at the delicious thought, she opens
the frozen container to find her dead Father's LEG! (insert
a Sam Kinison scream here) Before you ask why LobsterGram was
shipping her dead Father's leg instead of lobster, check this out: The
Texas company, Identigene Inc., was following a COURT ORDER to
send LaMara her dead Father's leg! Why just the leg? Why not the whole
body and why via the regular MAIL? Just wait. Identigene Inc., was just
following a court order: they had no say in the matter.
didn't LaMara notice that the package was clearly marked Identigene
Inc., instead of LobsterGram? Also unknown, though I guess LaMara is
just nuts for lobster! But when her Father, George Semmons died in 2000,
he left to LaMara $200,000 dollars in his will. George's sister immediately
contested the will saying that LaMara was not George's daughter and
so should not get the money. Thanks Auntie, Bitch! Identigene Inc.,
a DNA testing company, was contracted to decide the matter and proved,
via samples from George's leg, that LaMara was indeed George's progeny.
But what to do with the left overs? Texas Court says, "Send
'Em To His Daughter, by God! It's her Pop, after all, and the poor woman's
been through enough!"
LobsterGrams are a tasty gift up in Alaska where LaMara lives, and Christmas
is round about the time that most of those frozen folks get them. So
without really looking at the packaging, LaMara tore into that mail!
But the sight of her dead Father's leg made her lose her appetite. She
is SO upset about it, that her Father's leg currently resides
in her neighbor's freezer! Now THAT'S a helpful neighbor!
"Hey Honey! How about some ice cream with dinner tonight? It's
in the freezer next to LaMara's dead Father's LEG!"
ALSO GETS SLAMMED BY WORM
After a week of sneering at IT directors who got screwed by a virus/hacker
worm called Slammer, Microsoft caught the bug themselves. How? Well,
the virus-like attack exploits a known flaw (MS
released the patch way back in June of 2002) in Microsoft's "SQL
Server 2000" database software. Microsoft quickly sneered at all
the Windows users (their own customers!)
who got bitten, by saying "Neener! Neener! Not our fault, jerks!"
they were trying to cut off potential barbs from Linux folk thirsting
for another swipe at the Gate's Empire
MS has been attacked by the same virus. Wha- WHAT? How could
this BE? Because THEY never bothered to install their
OWN patch on their OWN
systems either! Why? Could there be something wrong with the patch?
Something that they don't want running on their own systems? Who knows?
But do 6 months go past where Microsoft doesn't make a complete fool
wonder it's #1!
DEMS GRAPPLE OVER FISCAL PRUDENCE
shy and lonely maiden for the better part of her 80 years, old Prudence
is now having the time of her life!
PLAYING A COMPUTER GAME IN PARLIAMENT
Helleland, a member of the ruling Conservative Party, was caught by
chamber cameras playing a computer game on his pocket PC while members
of the august body were debating a war with Iraq for REAL! HA!
apologized saying, "Ey reelize it vas veddy stutpet uff me. I vill
not tu it again, tat's fer sure!"
PANEL ENDORSES SNOW NOMINATION
The Senate really warmed to Snow and endorsed him with a 'show of cones'.
SEEK PENSION ASSURANCES FROM SNOW
But Democratic Senators get a chilly response (yeah,
I'm going to have a lot of stupid fun with this one over the years).
Sydney Simpson, daughter of O.J. Simpson (civil
court convicted murderer of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson),
tearfully called 911 January 18 to report "An abuse thing"
regarding her Father. A hunt for O.J. turned up his lawyer who quickly
claimed that O.J. was not in the house when his daughter was allegedly
abused. O.J. Simpson was finally found regaling a bunch of drunks in
the club house of an exclusive all-white golf course. He stopped telling
football glory stories long enough to call on the Black American community
to stand by him against this "mulatto woman" who is "Obstructing
my ongoing search for the Real Killers!".
CULLED FROM THE BOWELS OF:
OF REAL EXTREMISTS AND THEIR REASONS
of the #1 False Prophet of the world, Hal Lindsey! He's had so many
of his prophecies crap out that now he only prophecizes about
things that will happen long after he's dead and doesn't have to humiliate
himself anymore. and he STILL has his followers!
is neither racist or sexist, but he is a Christian man who feels that
he is witnessing a great evil: Human Abortion.
This is the site that provides a HIT LIST for would be murderers
of Abortion Clinic Doctors. Think this site is totally evil? You may
be right. But now you have the opportunity to form your own opinion
instead of just having it spoon-fed to you.
Jackson used to look black, but thanks to numerous surgeries, he's white
(and possibly female). David Duke (now
living in France) used to look Jewish, but thanks to numerous
surgeries, HE's white! Read what new tricks this former KKK Wizard,
(and still pal of former klansman, Sen. Robert Byrd [D]),
with his poofy little doggie, is up to. The way he gushes over us white
folk is enough to make me blush!
prissy and effeminate hate monger - only he don't like my kind! In the
interest of equal time I did my damndest to find a site by Louie, but
no cigar. Here is the only thing I could find. Louie in his own words.
a movie about his trials and tribulations in promoting his book, DOWNSIZE
THIS. The film, THE BIG ONE, was hailed by critics, but since it trashed
liberal businesses (like Nike) and the Clinton administration, it was crushed by the distributor,
Miramax, which only released it to 33 theaters (according
to the imdb.com).
Since then, to insure good distribution, Michael's curtailed both his freedom of speech and thought,
making only movies frothing with liberalism and fanatically bashing everything
else! Check out Michael Moore in his own words, but better save those
webpages. He tends to erase his contradictions often.