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IN THE NEWS
FOR 2002

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS

OCTOBER 7, 2002

From cnn.com

MENACING LILI SCRUBS SHUTTLE LAUNCH
That's what you get for menacing Lili!

OFFICIAL! WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE
Okay, here it really is:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

That's nice. . . ahem (polite laughter). Of course, Doctor Richard Wiseman thinks this is hysterical. I mean... Wait A Minute! Isn't this the same Dr. Wiseman who has been jogging around CERN as a self-appointed pace setter for the particle accelerator?

From foxnews.com

US, NORTH KOREA TALK WEAPONS
"Boy! Those weapons! I tell ya, they can REALLY blow things up!"

SANTA MONICA WON'T PLAY DINER ANYMORE
Hey, it was a nice run, but after 25 years, well, there are other movies out there, you know?

ITALIAN POLICE ARREST EGYPTIAN MEN IN AMERICAN CEMETERY BOMB PLOT
Holy smokes! Even our dead aren't safe from terrorists plotting pot-shots at plots!
I mean, sure, attack the dead! They aren't here to defend themselves! How freaking cowardly can you possibly get already? What are these idiots going to attack next? Sea foam?

FALWELL: 'MUHAMMAD WAS A TERRORIST'
Hey, isn't this the very same Jerry Falwell televangelist scumbag, who on Sept. 13, only days after the slaughter of Sept. 11, 2001, declared the cowardly attack by terrorists an act of God? Hey you bloated sack of shit! Get yer story straight!

On the other hand, I just want to say once again, that while Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson hungrily took Sept. 11, 2001 as a delightful opportunity to make a power grab, sew dissension, and foment hatred while people were hurt and shocked; Billy Graham took the same opportunity to bring us all together regardless of our beliefs when he said, "So those perpetrators who took this on to tear us apart, it has worked the other way. It has backlashed, it has backfired. We are more united than ever before."

N.J. BALLOT SNAFU CAUSES NATIONAL STIR
One less state that will be teasing Florida this year.

COURT OKS STUDENT'S REDNECK T-SHIRT
Wow! This country is getting so uptight you need a court order to like Jeff Foxworthy!

MUSLIMS vs. HOLLYWOOD
In the bad blood bout of the century! Order your special ring side seat from HBO!

What this story is all about, see, is extremist muslims don't like their young men going to theaters to watch Hollywood movies. I mean, how are you going to get a 13 year old to run off on a suicide bombing mission, with his head filled with lies of how he's going to another world after death where virgins will feed him sugar plums? I mean, he goes watching a Hollywood movie and will maybe think, "Hey! If I go to America, I have as good a chance as the next guy of getting laid and I don't have to die for it! What's more, those women aren't virgins and have more experience and can teach me a thing or two!"

Do you really think that the Osama bin Slobbins of the world want some pimply scruffy bearded teenager to say, "Get bent, asswipe! If the after life is so freaking great, why aren't YOU in such a hurry to go there?"

You think I'm being facetious? Even Muslims say this. Check out this actual quote from Dr. Khaled Abou El Fadl, a professor of law at UCLA.
"The reason extremists are so upset is because there are so many teenagers, Muslim teenagers who eat this stuff up."

The Los Angeles Times reported that Taghreed Ahmad, a school administrator in Cairo, Egypt told them, "I don't like Americans, because they oppress the Arabs and Muslims."

American business has made Arab nations wealthy beyond their wildest dreams thanks to oil. Made them a world power thanks to oil. Made bin Laden and his family millionaires hundreds of times over. Of course, we also waltzed into Afghanistan and made them stop slaughtering Americans, slaughtering their own women, and gave their women a chance to decide their own destiny - which is apparently what Muslim youth want, if the top movies of that area, TITANIC, INDEPENDENCE DAY, MOULIN ROUGE, and THE RUNAWAY BRIDE are any indication.

Let's face some real facts here. Radical Muslims preach hatred of America because watching our movies and learning about our free and democratic culture makes their boys less likely to blow themselves up for some crazed cleric's snit, and makes the women more likely to demand freedom instead of being legally shot in the head by her abusive husband for protesting when his brothers rape her. I mean, The entire country of Iran was turned upside down by the powerful radical Muslims when one of their actresses kissed the cheek of a much younger actor (as a way of congratulations) when he won an acting award. The radicals wanted both people arrested! The whole country went nuts! Radical Muslims are freaking, blinking, insane dude!

In fact, the only thing Radical Muslims and Radical Hollywood liberals can agree on is; they both hate President Bush. Muslims hate him because he won't take any of their shit. Radical Hollywood liberal Democrats hate him because he respects women more, and has done more for women, than Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy ever did in all of their political years COMBINED. No Hollywood fundraising exclusionary party ever liberated as many women in Afghanistan as President Bush and the U.S. military did. No Hollywood fundraising party ever even tried - did any ever even care?

SEPTEMBER 27, 2002

From abcnews.com

NO BARBERSHOP TRIM
It works like this: Two African-American filmmakers write a comedy that actually casts black people in roles that have nothing to do with them being sadistic thugs, pathetic drug abusers, or cartoonish womanizing idiots - all such movies that have never raised the public ire of Self-appointed Reverend Jesse Jackson before. But because one character in the movie, Eddie (played by Cedric the Entertainer), plays the sole "Devil's Advocate" by making disparaging comments about, among other people, Rev. Jesse Jackson, the self-absorbed sound-bite chaser has come out of his neck at the movie, demanding censorship (though he has fought censorship in the past).

Jackson says the movie is "insulting" (like the time he called a Jewish neighborhood, "Hymie-Town") "and insensitive." (like the time Jackson called a quick press conference, threw a bunch of fake blood on his shirt, and lied that he, Reverend Jesse Jackson, held the dying Martin Luther King Jr. in his arms. Once again, for the record, this never happened. Jackson was no where near MLK. He was a bare-faced lying, camera grubbing, anything to promote himself including grandstanding on the still warm corpse of [REAL] Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.). Jackson, a known womanizer who is currently paying court ordered child-support for the result an adulturous affair (proving that he also knows very little about safe sex or being a responsible parent!) has been accompanied in his chagrin by the always honest Reverend Al Sharpton.

The two film makers, meanwhile, have basically said. "Sorry, you feel that way, but we aren't going to censor our film for ya!"

SEPTEMBER 20, 2002

From abcnews.com

MISS UNIVERSE FIRED, RUNNER-UP STEPS IN
A saddened Miss Universe was fired via Rail Launcher to return to Alpha Centauri in shame. Her Runner up has now stepped in for a return trip to the Space Station: Jack's Crazy Wholesale Warehouse.

MEXICO CLEANS UP AFTER ISADORE
The pig won't clean up after herself.

U.S. LOWERS TERROR ALERT TO YELLOW
Yah! Ya yellow buncha terrorists!

ATF AGENT CHARGED IN GUN INCIDENT
The Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms agent was drunk off his ass (more than twice the legal limit!) on another boring small town mid-western night. The first thing he needed was a whore. The last thing he needed at a moment like that was toilet paper! But what the hell? When You're an ATF agent and you got your alcohol, your smokes, and a firearm, why not hop in your car and go drunkenly chasing after of teen-age girls into the night?

WATCHING BIG BROTHER
Are you? I'm not. Is anyone at CBS (The Tiffany Network!) even watching this?

(Alexander Zemlianichenko /AP Photo) And to think that communism still has its proponents! No, this is not a new reality show by CBS. North Korean despot, Kim Jong II (nick named "Dear Leader" under pain of death), widely reviled as "Worst National Leader Ever!", decided to red flag his monumental thick-skulled stupidity by owning up to his government's kidnapping of Japanese citizens over the past 30 years. To him, this was a way of apologizing! By saying "Yep! We've been kidnapping Japaneses adults and children for years and years and nearly all of them are dead. But I assure you, they all died of natural disasters or causes. Now how about a kiss?" Things have never been good between Japan and North Korea. Not since Japan pulled out of that country after the closing of World War II. N. Korea took a dim view of Japan's prior 35 years of brutal colonial rule. But it was still better than anything by Kim Jong II!

GERMAN OPPOSES U.S. USING BASES
"For der last timen," said German conservative leader Edmund Stoiber to a group of oily U.S. Sport entreprenuers. "Der are nein bases ein soccer - UND - der vill neffer BE any bases ein soccer! Now let it go and ve'll move on to der subject uff using der baseball batz ein soccer vhich, I must be admitting, intrigues me."

SADDAM TO U.N.: Iraq Is Weapons-Free
And Saddam is as good as his word!

ARTIST APOLOGIZES FOR WTC REMARK
(The following is actually true) British artist Damien Hirst, who said right after the slaughter of over 3,000 people via kidnapping and bombing of innocents at the World Trade Center, that the attack was ""visually stunning ... kind of like an artwork in its own right." He went on to enthusiastically tell the BBC,
"You've got to hand it to them on some level because they've achieved something which nobody would have ever have thought possible, especially to a country as big as America. So on one level they kind of need congratulating, which a lot of people shy away from, which is a very dangerous thing."

Over a year later, Damien wants to apologize for his remarks, saying, "As a human being and artist living in the civilized world, I value human life above all else and abhor all acts of terrorism and murder."

Well, he didn't actually say it. It was merely a statement released by his representatives. Hey, when the money dries up it gives your "artistic integrity" a whole new point of view, eh, Damien? Damien's artistic claim to fame is his cutting of a calf in two and dumping the remains in a tank of formaldehyde.

JOLIE CHANGES HER NAME
Angelina Jolie has now changed her name to...Angelina Jolie. Only now it's legal, see? Yet another reason why she is a multi-millionaire and you're not.

PHYSICISTS MAKE ENOUGH ANTIMATTER TO TEST THEORY
"Huh huh huh huh huh huh! We want to smash it!" said one noted egghead, adding, "Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!"
"But first," added his fellow geek. "We're going to speed it up! Heh heh heh heh heh heh! We're going to accelerate it in our...uh...accelerator! Heh heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Yeah!" said the egghead. "Speed it up and smash it! Huh huh huh huh huh huh!"
"Destroying stuff is cool! Heh heh heh heh heh!"

MIND OVER BODY
Neurologists can now give you an out of body experience for free! But getting back in will cost you!

From cnn.com

FBI WARNS OF TERRORIST USE OF PLANES
This eye-opening announcement has shocked a nation. Thank GOD for this early warning, which came from the FBI on September 19, 2002. So keep watching the skies! Keep watching the skies!

MAY 30, 2002

From infobeat.com

STOLEN CYANIDE DRUMS FOUND IN MEXICO
Apparently they weren't really stolen, but had escaped the Army base to go across the border for a taste of the REAL tequila.

EXPLOSIVE ANGER MAY MEAN BRAIN DISORDER
I've always thought so.

AFGHAN WARLORD URGES WAR vs. U.S.
Afghan warlord, Gulbuddin Hekmatyar (name means "Wife of Yak named Matty"), has sent out a note, handwritten in the Pashtun language, to all the surviving Taliban, Al-Qaida, Ku Klux Klan, and whoever else would take him seriously, with the following invitation: "I invite all the believers in our filthy and perverted religion to be united and ready for war to liberate your country from the foreign oppressors."

Unfortunately, the majority of folks he sent this to are as stupid and backwards as he is. Three Al-Qaida believed the note was an invitation to a Japanese strip club and a surviving Talibaner believed that Hekmatyar had proclaimed himself a zionist convert. Hekmatyar now has a bounty on his head from allies who can't read their own language.

A MANICURE FOR HERPES?
"Good morning, madam! May I trim your outbreak?"

TOBACCO COMPANY ANTI-SMOKING ADS LESS EFFECTIVE: REPORT
Under the "No shit, stupid!" file goes this little newly released gem: The conclusion of a new study from the anti-smoking American Legacy Foundation, which had researchers survey 9,000 teens to compare the effectiveness of its own anti-smoking "truth" ads to so-called "think, don't smoke" ads made by Philip Morris USA, found that advertisements to convince teens not to smoke do seem to be somewhat effective, but not if the message comes from a tobacco company.

Well I'll be damned! Hey, why don't you get Pamela Sue Anderson to tell us why we really shouldn't even want to have sex with her? And have her wear a bikini while she does it? Yeah! That would work!

Photo: People Magazine

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this: He's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle." - David Letterman

FEB. 5 , 2002

From abcnews.com

PROMISING MONKEY CELLS
But giving her diamonds. This and other romantic secrets for the upcoming Valentine's Day.

WACKY WEATHER WAVE
featuring hilarious hailstorms, blithering blizzards, and risible rainstorms.

SCIENTISTS CROSS PIGS WITH SPINACH
Hey, don't you EVER cross a pig, if you know whats good for you, with spinach.

That said, a number of pigs in Japan (where else, I ask you, but the country that invented edible shit?) are now all wearing crosses made out of spinach. Will any good come out of this? Well, it's not like the Semites were going to eat them anyway. But for better digestion, try crossing a pig with applesauce!

Photo: AP/Eric Gay LAY CUTS TIES Smug weasel and alleged human being, Kenneth Lay (seen here wearing a shit eating smirk), collected his $25,000,000 severence package after resigning from Enron today. His pampered housepet, i.e. wife, appeared on the boob tube about a week ago, bemoaning the fact that she and her bleached turd of a spouse are poor. Poor despite their many expensive houses, holdings, and multi-millions. Kenneth Lay has his apologists of course. Some, who have sucked at the limp dick of Enron, claim that Kenneth never blatantly, fraudulently, lied to everyone including his own employees. Instead, they say, this once esteemed "visionary" simply had no idea what was going on at Enron. Perhaps I'm being too hard on Kenneth. Perhaps he is not a sleazy, slimy con artist at all, perhaps, as his defenders suggest, he is merely stupid. Hmmm . . . It's possible. I mean, looking at his photo, he certainly looks like he could be some demented old crack smoking son of a bitch!

A MISERABLE END
Is only one of the many vacation plans that the U.S. has to offer the budget conscious travelling terrorist!

HOW MUSIC MAY PREVENT DEMENTIA
Unless, of course, you listen to N'Sync, The Backstreet Boys, Eminem, or Britney Spears, in which case, you are just asking for it!

BUTTOCKS IMPLANTS FOR THE SMALL SEATED
Don't tell me, let me guess: We men are responsible for women disfiguring themselves with this operation too, right? Because everything from movies to comic books create an impossible standard of what a woman should look like?

I mean, it's not like U.S. men ever had to take a backseat to or emulate Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, The Beatles, the Backstreet Boys, and even Michael Jackson for God's sake. It's not like men were EVER held up to the impossible standard set by Superman!

Funny how many of these women with all of their implants never try to make themselves beautiful by doing something HEALTHY like, oh lets say . . . EXERCISE!

For the email I'm sure to get from those who tell me that their beer gutted lazy partner should be told to exercise too, "Hey, that's your problem not mine. And if your spouse/boyfriend is so fat and sloppy, then just who are you getting those implants for anyway? Hmmmmm?????"

At any rate, better make sure those plastic bubbles yer sticking in yer butt are nice and durable, because you'll be sitting on them and falling on them for the rest of your very sad life.

BOOMING SILICON
San Diego, California Scientists have created exploding computer chips. HA! Just try and erase Microsoft from your computer now, punk!

LIARS, DRUNKS NEED NOT APPY
NASA gets pickly with its space tourist program. I guess this will exclude every person who has ever gone to a singles bar.

HORRIBLE NEWS ARCHIVES

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