THINK TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BAD FOR 'KIDS'
It was good for us but its bad for you. Why? Because I said so.
WORM REAPPEARS IN NEW GUISES
However, the new "Groucho Marx" disguise is fooling nobody.
ARRESTED 'FOR RINGING CIA TO BLAME THEM FOR JFK'S DEATH'
Still touchy after all these years.
REFORMS 'WILL NOT LEAD TO CANNABIS CAFES'
But lead instead to Cannabis Superstores! Which will cause competing chains
to make "something stronger".
SAY SPERM IS SEASONAL
So remember that this allergy season and don't borrow your friend's hanky.
Harry still refuses to speak to the frauds and charlatans he despised
SAYS NEW CD WILL HAVE SPRINKLING OF 'HELL'S AND 'DAMN'S
-Sigh-, before September 11, this was the crap we used to care about.
BEAMS COULD HURT YOUR MAIL
It will kill your Teddy Ruxpins and digi-Pets, yet, makes your Sony Robo
Dogs inexplicably horny.
GARLIC CAN HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT
Of course, your new physique isn't going to impress anyone once they get
a whiff of your breath.
CIPRO DROPPED AS FIRST CHOICE
Many drug companies contract out the manufacturing of their pills to other
companies, but while Bayer AG has been pussyfooting around, trying to
get "sweetheart deals" for the manufacture of Anthrax fighter,
Ciprofloxacin, the CDC has discovered a better drug: doxycycline. Doxycycline
is generic too, so no one owns it and everyone can make it and it will
cost far less to buy. So thanks for acting like Tony Soprano, Bayer, but
we don't need ya!
TELLS PARENTS: DON'T BUY MY ALBUM
Shit! Okay! Let's get this out of the way.
Britney says that her latest album is so raunchy that parents shouldn't
buy it for their children. Yeah, right. Hey Britney! If underage
girls don't get your album then who will? Yer a "Pop Diva"
for chris'sakes! Nobody with anything bordering on maturity is listening
to you. The only people getting off on you are pre-pubscents, adolescents,
and middle aged men. My friends like to watch your videos with the
sound off but that ain't nothing to do with your singing, nasty
says that her new album will contain the words "Hell"
and "Damn". WHOA! That's raunchy all right! So just why
is Britney singing these - ahem - nasty lyrics?
I say 'hell' and 'damn,' I say it out of frustration in my songs."
quoth the Diva.
in "Hell! I've got everything I wanted at the age of 16!"
As in "Damn, but I'm rich and every man wants to f*ck me!"
(*remember, Britney only gets raunchy by saying
"Hell" and "Damn".) Although her music
videos on MTV have nice simulated sex scenes of her getting gang-banged
by all her male dancers, Britney insists that she is also going
to "wait" to have sex with her N*Sync boyfriend. Hey pal,
ever see the movie, SAVING SILVERMAN? You should!
I don't mind that she likes to act like a slut. Sluts are cool and
it worked for Madonna. On the other hand, Madonna is intelligent
and never tried to bullshit us.
thanks for your charity work, Britney, but if you don't stop talking
like a loopy dipshit you are going to wind up being a joke like
BRITNEY STILL A VIRGIN?
What the . . .? Hey who gives a shit? Move on to something else infobeat!
URGE CONDIT NOT TO RUN AGAIN
Unless, of course, it's as a Republican.
TO PARENTS: PUFF OUTSIDE
News for those smoking parents who are too remarkably stupid to even HAVE children.
TIME WARNER EARNINGS, REVENUES RISE
And with a software that's nearly impossible to remove from your Windows
computer once you've installed it, no wonder its #1!
ELIZABETH: I'D STRIP FOR THE NET
So what's stopping her? Shannon says that she would only strip and have
sex on the net if she were poor. While she wholly encourages poor people
to have sex on the net for money, Shannon won't do it because she is rich,
and apparently too good for what she thinks poor people should do.
CREDIT CARDS STILL IN USE
And even though they are dead, all the U.S. credit companies STILL give them a higher rating than you! Your credit history is more suspect
than the credit history of a DEAD TERRORIST! How is THAT for perspective?
BOY STILL OFFICIALLY A GIRL AFTER MIDWIFE'S MISTAKE
This is actually true! The boy remains a boy despite the midwife's confusion.
But the Chilean Civil Registry director, Omar Assef, says, "If the medical
staff put it's a girl, then it's a girl. It doesn't make a blind bit of
difference to us if the kid's got a boy's name."
the boy has to go to court, strip and wag his penis to the assembled adults
to show that he is, despite the red tape, a boy! For this piece of bone-headed
lunacy, Omar wins our Stupid-As-A-Box-Of-Rocks Award!
AP PHOTO: Abdul
Vey! Did I ever pick the wrong side!"
SET TO PROPOSE NEW CEASEFIRE PLAN
New plan doesn't offer up Osama bin Laden or do much of anything
else other than beg the U.S. to "Please stop that infernal
presenting the plan to the U.S., Abdul Salam Zaeef, (in
picture on the left) will first present his plan to Pakistan.
"You like my plan? What you think? Its good plan?"
case you haven't noticed it on the news yet, the Taliban's bargaining
skills are for shit.
A DIFFERENCE A WAR MAKES
New musical seeks Broadway Support
SECURITY HIKE ON TAP
About 50 million Social Security recipients will get a meager 2.6 percent
raise in their allowance. This is done, says Washington, because inflation
is so low.
Meanwhile, the real world continues without Congress' notice.
New party idea does not receive expected enthusiasm.
The new fun toy from Play-Doh!
CAMERA COULD BOOST BREAST CANCER TREATMENT
The NipplCam is not only a technological marvel, but its intensely interesting
DRIVES GO UP AFTER TERRORIST ATTACKS
Which just goes to show that there is almost NOTHING that is ALL
CARRIERS PLAN TO RETURN TO PROFITABILITY
Hey! Thats a GREAT plan! Why didn't the major carriers ever think
of that before???
SECURITY FIRMS INCREASE PAY TO CURB HIGH TURNOVER
Hey! Thats a great plan too! All those fees paid out to advisors from
"Over-Obvious-To-The-Most-Casual-Observer, Inc." is money well
TOURISTS TAKING TO WOODS, FRESH AIR INSTEAD OF FLYING
Which is a diplomatic way of saying that tourists are "Heading For
UNYIELDING, BUT CHINA WARMS TO BUSH
So if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
PRANKSTERS FACE HARD TIME
You're going to the federal pen for 5 years! Think of all the "pranks"
that get played there! Won't YOU have fun?
WORM FAILS TO DELIVER
As morons, unclear on the concept, try to send the anthrax virus by
GERMAN LAW TO BOOST RIGHTS FOR PROSTITUTES
Now German Prostitutes are legally entitled to turn away customers
and say no to certain sex acts. I kid you not! This one is for real!
They actually had to make a law in Germany so that Prostitutes could just
TAX BAN TO EXPIRE
ready to move in and destroy the Internet with taxes. Think your state
taxes are being wasted too much already? You have no idea what your local
yokel state governments are planning to foolishly waste your money on;
and it won't lower the taxes you already pay!
SMARTER THAN WE THOUGHT?
are we just dumber than we thought?
GROWTH FOR OZONE HOLE
sad market news may precipitate a number of lay-offs from the ozone donut
spending millions of dollars on plastic surgery so he can look like a
BUS HIJACK THWARTED
the passengers no less! And this ain't the first time passengers have
gone ballisitc since September 11. This is the future gang. Anyone who
tries to hijack a vehicle in the U.S. is gonna get their ass's kicked
AND COVER IN CONGRESS
hideously bad response to finding anthrax in your mail.
JOHN QUESTIONS THE DALAI LAMA'S SILENCE
the Lama, still ain't sayin' nuthin'!
NASA HEAD STEPS DOWN
Goldin announced his resignation Wednesday, much to the relief of the
few remaining top people at NASA. During his 9.5 year tenure and his motto
of Faster, Better, Cheaper, Goldin will be remembered for the following.
NASA became a joke.
NASA couldn't land a space vehicle on Mars, though they often
crashed on or missed Mars due to poor math and worse communication.
They finally decided to just crash vehicles on Mars.
NASA became a bigger joke.
Goldin became so worried over his own incompetence - and being showed
up - that he trash talked any companies that tried to go into space without
the help of NASA.
Thanks to Goldin, NASA was bested by the Russians again when the first
tourist in space was on board a Russian craft, not a U.S. craft, even
though the passenger was a U.S. citizen. Goldin accused said tourist of
being a traitor because the man had found a way around Goldin's power-mad
NASA went beyond joke and just became pathetic.
The largest drain of the best and smartest people (so-called "Brain
Drain") NASA has ever had is thanks to Goldin's ham-handed managerial
style and overwhelming inadequacy.
China will now, most likely, build the first habitats on the Moon despite
NASA having a 40 year headstart on them.
Researchers say that NASA is 10 years behind, technologically speaking.
NASA has gone into a $4.5 billion overrun for its space station program.
his resignation speech, Goldin said, "I find that I get such intellectual
satisfaction and such personal satisfaction from the job that it drives
idea that Goldin even knows where to find the word "intellectual"
in a dictionary, let alone in his personal life, sent most of his employees
into spasms of laughter. Goldin admitted to the Brain Drain at NASA by
saying "So be it."
them eat cake," would have been another good one.
also said, "You want to know something? If you come to a job like this
and love to be loved, you will never do the right thing, I not only have
no apologies, but I am thrilled with the performance (of NASA)."
Goldin wasn't loved and he never did the right thing, although he may
have stumbled over it once or twice. Even a stopped watch is right twice
a day. Research has shown, however, that employees who care and respect
their boss are far more likely to do their work to the best of their abilities,
than those who niether like or respect their bosses. So much for Goldin's
theories. Thanks for nothing Goldin. And be sure to get out before that
4.5 billion dollar debt is due.
SEBASTIAN BACH PLAN NYC BENEFIT
But will New York really welcome Anthrax into their city?