|
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1
MAY
24, 2001
From
abcnews.com
McDonald's
Issues Apology in Dispute Over Beef Flavoring in French Fries Served in
U.S.
We're sorry.
We thought we could get away with it and not get caught. Stupid vegetarians
anyhow. We'll think of something else then.
Guiliani
Appeals Ruling That Bars Girlfriend From Mansion
I don't
want to hear anymore Republican hypocrital rhubarb about Slick
Willy. This Republican character - Bush Jr.'s buddy in New York ( Beware
of Texans who buddy up to people in New York! Bush Jr.'s presidency was
made in New York City! NEW YORK CITY!) -
is just an unabashed, immoral punk. You do NOT invite your girlfriend
to "hang out" in the home of your wife and children. Even the
French know better than that!
Dems
Get The Edge
And dems
what got de edge, use de edge!
From
nytimes.com
A
Ford Model Wins Rare German Praise
And even
the Germans are surprised!
Computer
Vandals Clog Antivandalism Web Site
Yet another
tale of people who are Just ASKING for it!
And I'm probably one of them! But hey, anything for a laugh!
Taliban
Ban On Drug Crops Is Working, U.S. Concludes
Many critics
question the Taliban's motives. Until recently, the poppy harvest had
grown. Why did the Afghan ruler, Mullah Omar finally, only now, decide
to say no?
Two things:
1. He
consulted the wisdom of his Holy Koran (Of course, to understand
wisdom, one must first be wise).
2. By stopping the growth of the Poppys that are used to make opium (also
the name of a very popular women's cologne in the Western nations)
and heroin (not a very marketable name in the best of circumstances),
Mullah Omar was able to grab the $25,000,000 in aid from those famous
foreign devils (the same devils who helped drive the
invading Soviets out) America!
So I'm
kinda lost here. Did Omar only choose to find this "Stop The Poppy"
wisdom in the Koran after Bush promised him the money? ("Oh!
Here it is in the Koran! 'Don't grow poppys!' Silly me! It was here all
this time!") And does this mean that Afghanistan and the U.S.
are friends now despite the Jihad terrorism and all?
MAY
23, 2001
From
nytimes.com
More
Than One Way of Looking at Software Maker's Earnings
There is
the ever-popular Vapor Way! A fantasy of earnings so mythic its almost
spurious!
Foes
of Genetic Engineering Are Suspects in Northwest Fires
And they're
not too friendly toward the surrounding environment either!
Federal
Judge In Brooklyn Is A Finalist for F.B.I. Post
Judge Sterling
Johnson Jr. is so happy that he's blushing, squirming, and giggling like
a schoolgirl!
The article
goes on to say that Sterling, if selected "would be the first black
to head the bureau, law enforcement officials in Washington and New York
said today."
The first
black what? Black man? Black woman? Black BOARD?
WHAT?
Dogged
Fight by Democrats Delays Tax Bill
Ha! Those
crazy Democrats just can't stop their backroom dog fights long enough
to do anything. But they are running low on pitbulls and poodles.
3
Bush Cabinet Members Drop Meetings With G.O.P. Donors
After being
busted for doing the exact same thing that the Republicans slammed President
Clinton for - catering to his heavy cash-cow donors. See nothing changes
in the wonderful world of two-faced Washington D.C. bastards. There is
no liberal or conservative, Republican or Democrat, there is only money
and hypocrisy.
So who
did you vote for?
Taliban
Propose an Identity Label to 'Protect' Hindus
"Its
for their own protection," say Afghan leaders, the Taliban numbskulls.
The rest of the world isn't fooled by Taliban evil or stupidity. Bush,
however, approved the sending of $25,000,000 of U.S. taxpayer money to
Afghanistan last week (this last sentence is true).
Bush
Is Putting Team in Place For a Full-Bore Assault on Regulation
Which is
exactly what the former Republican governor of California did to the energy
suppliers during his term. He had them de-regulated. Without regulation
they spent money like fools, behaved like morons, and are now sniveling
like cowards - in fear of the consumer wrath that is rapidly turning against
them.
Mocking
Nazis While Dancing With Death
Its headlines
like this that I live for!
MAY
18, 2001
From
nytimes.com
A
New Focus On Protecting Production of Energy
We have
to protect these over-charging-wreck the U.S. economy and rape the environment
for their own short term gain, bloated big oil
companies from our own wrath.
Columbine
Panel Blames Lack of Action for Deaths
Er . . .
Thanks Columbine panel, for stating the OBVIOUS! The rest of the
world already figured out that the parents, teachers, and police of your
teeny community did jack-shit while your feted "popular" students
harrassed, assaulted, and battered some of the weaker students to the
point of insane homicide.
Hey!
Why don't you tell us that the earth is round?
Woman
Is Convicted of Killing Her Fetus by Smoking Cocaine
Does this
mean that women will now be imprisoned for drinking beer while pregnant?
How about if they smoke cigarettes while pregnant? Am I noticing an outrageous
hypocrisy here or should I just shut up?
MAY
17, 2001
From
nytimes.com
U.S.
Gingerly Considers More Active Role In Mideast
Hmmm . .
. let's see, we entrench the leaders of the country for them (The Shah
of Iran), we betray our friendship with them (Saddam used to be our buddy!),
we fight their wars for them (We freed Kuwait from Iraq), We impose embargos
on them (Iran and Iraq), We protect them from their enemies (We based
our military in Saudi Arabia to protect them against the Iraqis), We have
been permanently involved in the Israel / Palestine conflict, we turn
the other way when our Middle East "allies" deal in slavery,
and genocide (Many Mideast nations, like Afghanistan and Sudan) and we
suck more oil out of their land than any other nation on earth. We give
them hundreds of millions of dollars each year for no apparent reason.
Now we are going to get MORE active? Yep, our Saudi Arabian "friend",
Crown Prince Abdullah is going to visit Canada but won't visit us until
we take an even MORE active role in the Israel / Palestinian conflict.
Hey Prince Abby, say it with me: Hybrid Cars!
If this
is the way our Middle East "Friends" are going to treat us,
I say we should kiss and make up with Saddam and let him do his thing!
From
abcnews.com
Protestor
Eggs Clinton In Poland
But despite
being egged on to "Do it! Do it!" by the rabble rouser, Slick
Willy refused to have sex with the teenage boy's ugly sister. While the
boy had a coniption fit, Willy laughed and said, "it was good for
young people to be angry about something."
Scientists
Seek Supercomputer's Help
Computer
however, is a free agent and is holding out for more money.
Microsoft
Got Game
They want
to compete against the Linux box of Sony Playstation 2. Problem is, by
the time Microsoft releases their X-Box (which suspiciously
looks an awful lot like Sony's X-plod car stereo box) in November
of 2001 (If they release it
by 2001, MS is known to miss their launch dates), Sony will already
be releasing Playstation 3 (Most likely to be called Playstation
3D). The new X-Box will have a GeForce 3 card. Problem again is,
the NVidea GeForce 3 will be old by that time and the rest of us will
have moved on to NVidea GeForce 4 (or possibly the ATI
Radeon). Personally, I thought MS already had a pretty nifty gaming
platform. I call it Windows 98SE.
Helping
Women Overcome Polygamy
Admitting
you have a problem is the first step! You can beat this polygamy thing!
If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for your husband!
A
Star That Burps
Is only
- slightly - less rude than a star that farts. Both are filled with gas
so . . . keep your distance!
Waste
That Won't Go Away
Vice-President
Dick Cheney, speaking through his own mouth instead of Bush Jr.'s, wants
to re-instate the building of Nuclear Power Plants. "Now that I have
a monetary interest in the deal, I want to sweeten my bank account at
the expense of the American taxpayer - who will be expected to pay for
said Nuclear Power Plants."
"But
what will we do with all of that nuclear waste?" asked one concerned
reporter.
"Oh,"
Cheney answered, staring off into space. "We'll figure out what to
do with it some day."
Hey jackass!
We've had Nuclear Power for over 50 years now and you dimbulbs STILL
haven't figured out what to do with it! The ideas you have come across
with have - so far - SUCKED! Drop tanks of nuclear waste into the ocean
(Those tanks leaked) ??? Put it in a rocket and shoot it off into space
(Why not? Rockets never blow up on the launch pad) ??? What kind
of mind rot is this anyway?
Bush
Daughter Pleads No Contest
Like Father,
like Daughter. Some things never change! <Sniff!> You watch them
grow up, and when they follow in your footsteps it . . . it . . . It just
makes you so PROUD!
Smell? What Smell?
This
is really such a great story that I have to let it stand as is. Go read
it Here.
Beware
The Monkey Man
I swear! This whole Horrible News thing started off as a joke! But the
actual stories are getting weirder than what I make up! Go read about
it Here.
MAY
16, 2001
From
nytimes.com
Bush
Task Force on Energy Worked in Mysterious Ways
Secret Meetings,
refusal to be forthcoming, and planned profiteering on every executive
decision made is the deal between Cheney and Bush Jr. BUT HEY! Though
they may be destroying the nation's economy and robbing the U.S. citizen
blind for their own personal gain, at least they aren't having SEX!
Yahoo
Goes Beyond Initial Plan Against Adult Sites
Yahoo can't
back stab its old business partners fast enough.
Chad's
Wait for Its Oil Riches May Be Long
But Chad
is used to waiting.
Lott
Rebuked for Delaying Campaign Finance Bill
What? Trent
Lott do something shifty? I don't believe it! You can't MAKE me believe
it!
MAY
10, 2001
From
abcnews.com
Chinese hackers
call off attacks on U.S. sites
And small wonder! Running largely off of pirated Windows NT server software
and poor encryption, Chinese websites were counter-attacked by U.S. hackers
(using their own flavors of FreeBSD, Linux, and Unix to name a few) at
a rate of about 3 to 1 according to some reports.
Hacker
tracking sites from
around the world witnessed and reported this. ABC news, which also failed
to accurately cover the news about DVD encryption (which was better covered
by various business and tech magazines and CBS) was left - yet again -
saying "Duhhh . . . ?"
Human Landing
On Mars?
Daniel Goldin, head of NASA said that humans could land on Mars within
the next two decades. This is no where near as thrilling a statement as
Kennedy's "End Of This Decade" statement which started the U.S.
Soviet space race to the moon. Then again, this is Daniel Goldin we are
talking about. The same one who got his nose bent out of shape over the
Russians beating us to the "First Space Tourist" record. Hey,
Tito gave you first crack at it and you snubbed him! So shut-up about
it and keep stroking for that tax money, Dan!
FDA
Asked To Halt Franken-Fish
A surprised Al Franken wants to know why. |
Al Franken
Photo from
Comedy Network |
MAY
8, 2001
From
abcnews.com
Scandinavian
Moms On Top
And wouldn't YOU like to know the rest of this story? Yeah, I BET
you would!
GMA:
Family Horrified By Corpse Across The Aisle
Corpse claims it was all a big misunderstanding. "I was just trying
to entertain their baby by making faces at it. I guess the thing I did
with my eyeballs may have been a bit much."
So the
next time you are horrified by a corpse, first try and put yourself in
their shoes.
They
won't be needing them.
Kidman Takes Fan
To Court
The fan turned to Nicole and said, "This is your idea of fun? You
are the worst date ever!"
Tom Cruise, seated
on his side of the court room, snickered quietly into his hand.
Mayor's Wife Asks Court
To Bar Girlfriend
New York City mayor Rudolph Guiliani keeps bringing his girlfriend home
to his wife, much to Donna's chagrin. The soon to be ex-wife, Donna Hanover,
is asking a judge to please make Rudy stop flaunting his girlfriend in
front of his wife and children In Their Home (!). And you wonder
why the Republicans don't bray about "Family Values" anymore.
Even Clinton was never THAT low-brow. And that's saying a LOT!
Bush Taps New DEA
Chief
In a spirited game of Whitehouse tag!
Tito Sentimental, A Little
Bitter
First tourist in space, Dennis Tito was amazed at his Russian hosts hospitality
and bitterly surprised at the bureaucratic pettiness of NASA officials
concerning his spaceflight. NASA head, Daniel "The Asshole"
Goldin not only mooed dark rumors about Tito's "patriotism",
but also defecated and threw his feces during the press conference.
Brain Area Affects Sense
of 'Self'
So you say! But most guy's sense of self resides just below the waist
area.
White House: Americans Deserve
Heavy Energy Use
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said, "The president considers
Americans' heavy use of energy a 'reflection of the strength of our economy',
of the way of life that the American people have come to enjoy."
That and the fact that he and
his oil robber baron cronies are making billions as they wreck the U.S.
economy with artificially induced high oil prices.
Nearly half of you were inexcusably
stupid enough to vote for him instead of McCain (when you had the chance),
so BEND OVER AMERICA!
Meanwhile I figure that what
I save from my measly tax break will go into Bush's pocket instead of
Uncle Sams by way of my paying for one month of electricity.
United States Woos Allies
On Missile Defense Plan
The Whitehouse has released a video in several different launguages of
Dick Cheney giving a saucy wink, holding a bouquet of roses, and wearing
only a speedo while Bush Jr. blows kisses and plays a mandolin.
To put it mildly, our Allies
are said to have registered surprise at the video.
Defense Says Bombing Defendants
Had Minor Role In Blasts
It was the explosives that had the major role.
Should
You Own Your Genes?
Good question! I've been giving my genes away for years! Ahem . . .
RETURN
TO TOP
From
nytimes.com
News Analysis:
To European Eyes, It's America the Ugly
It seems that some in the U.N. find the U.S. arrogant. Who would that
be particularly? Why none other than the boufant hairsprayed toupee wearing
Ambassador to France, Jean-David
Levitte (known by some as the Uriah Heep of the U.N.).
The government
of FRANCE is calling US arrogant! FRANCE! ROFL!
Others
say that the world needs "counter-balances" to American power.
Who is saying these things? Why none other than China and Russia, both
long known for counter-balancing their own power by ruthlessly warring
on other countries for land grabs, threatening their neighbors, butchering
their own people, being involved in slave-trade, shitting on human rights,
unjustifiable arrests and executions and so on.
The ambassador's
to France, Russia, China, and the rest of the 52 countries that voted
against human rights in the U.N. (the same U.N. that has
turned a smiling blind eye to the slaughter of women and children in the
Sudan, Afghanistan, and Rwanda, as well as the kidnapping and murder of
underage girls from Albania to be sold into sexual slavery on the streets
of Italy and elsewhere), all congratulated each other heartily
for their infantile snub of the U.S. as well as their undying devotion
to hypocrisy. All would have gone swimmingly had not the Chinese ambassadors
started making fun of Jean Levitte's french accent.
White
House Debates Fate of Pollution-Control Suits
Which are neither stylish or fashionable.
RETURN
TO TOP
JUNE
27 , 2001
From infobeat.com
Pope
Invokes Spirit of Forgiveness
But the spirit of a 4th level demon appeared instead, behaved like a jerk,
and totally ruined the festival!
Estrada
to be arraigned for perjury
So he wasn't REALLY a California Highway Patrolman! I feel so deceived!
MTV
Agrees to Air Eminem's Video
Well aren't they just living on the edge? Did this decision come after
a lot of soul-searching? (HA! I'm just playing! Like you,
I know that MTV execs have no souls!)
GOP
OKs Change to Faith-Funds Bill
Republicans will no longer expect to be paid with faith.
N.
Korean family flees famine
They plan to start a new life in the land of plenty: Ethiopia!
Sharon
Tells Bush Violence Must End
"Well no shit Ariel! Hey, thanks for telling me!" says Bush.
"But what about hunger and disease? Do you think we should end that
too?"
Retired
Army officer guilty of spying
And he feels just awful about it!
* - The officer in question, 74 year old retired Army Colonel George Trofimoff,
told jurors that, "I was never a spy, but was forced to pretend to
be one because of money problems."
The jurors
just laughed at him. -
*This
part is true!
China
Executes Dozens on Drug Charges
Nobody is proud of their politicians (well, okay, I'm proud of John McCain
but he's one out of thousands in the U.S.), but even the citizens of France
must be cringing over the hypocrisy of their self-titled "elite"
politicos. While the top wonks of French government can't wring their
hands enough over the occasional execution of a murderer here in the U.S.,
these same two-faced nimrods remain ever so mum over China's daily mass
executions of its citizens who are merely "charged" with a crime!
High
profile self-important pinchbrains like political scientist Étienne Schweisguth
and French education Minister Jack Lang, who get in a sweat when the U.S.
executes some selfish sick shit child slaughtering mass murderer like
Tim McVeigh - who had a full investigation, several trials, and was convicted
by his peers prior to his execution - get all timid and coy when their
good friends like the Chinese government runs around slaughtering citizens
who are merely "suspect".
Étienne,
said earlier this month that, "There is definitely a sense here, certainly
among the elite, that we are ahead of the U.S. on this issue morally
and intellectually." in reference to executions by the state. So Ét' must
surely be looking down his haughty nose at his country's good friend,
the Chinese government.
And French
Ambassador, Jean-David
Levitte, who with juvenile clique pride partnered with Chinese ambassadors
in May to shut the U.S. out of the U.N. and considers the execution of
murderous criminals in America "barbaric" has nothing to say
to news folks about how he perceives his Chinese buddies on this issue.
For the record, China has said nothing negative about U.S. policy toward
the execution of its most heineous criminals.
Europe
group: Stop death penalty
The leading human right's council of Europe, The Council Of Europe, threatened
to revoke observer status of the United States and Japan from the 43-nation
organization unless they stop all executions "without delay" and move
to repeal the death penalty.
Why does
the Council of Europe focus on Japan and the United States and not other
countries with observer status like Iran, Saudi Arabia, and China - CHINA (!) which
executed over 800 people, many without trial - in May alone?
Lord
Russell-Johnston, President of the Council of Europe Parliamentary Assembly,
had this to say (and the following is a real quote straight from http://www.coe.int)
"The
answer is simple. The United States and Japan are prominent democracies.
Iran is not. Unlike Saudi Arabia, the United States and Japan are very
vocal on their commitment to human rights. They therefore have to accept
to be held against higher standards of civilised behaviour."
So what
does that mean exactly? Is he dismissing the behavior of the Chinese government
and the hundreds of lives that are being lost each month to the death
penalty? Russell doesn't consider the Chinese people civilised? Is he
saying that the Chinese lack "higher standards"?
He goes
on to say "This does not
mean that we are not concerned, even appalled by the barbarian attitudes
in other countries, but if we want to make a difference, we have to start
with the United States and Japan."
So every
time Lord Russell-Johnston passes the delegates from China in the hall
he is thinking "Hmf! Appalling Barbarians!" ?
Maybe
what "Lord" Johnston is really saying, in other words, is that
the rules of the hypocritical C.O.E. are capricious in their execution.
Thanks
for clearing that up ya dishonest two-faced dweeb! Your Mama should have
taught you some "higher standards of civilised behaviour"
ya punk!
Sperm
whales moving into Gulf of Mexico
Will someone please tell me why they are called that? And do they
have anything to do with those times when the waves are especially foamy?
Canada
downplays breast cancer exam
Its just a written test. Nothing to get hung aboot. It won't even affect
your final grade.
RETURN
TO TOP
JUNE
25 , 2001
From abcnews.com
Wal-Mart
Lures Teenagers With Make-Up Line
National store chain wants teens and tweens to look like fine hot ho's!
Look for their new teen and pre-teen lingerie line coming soon!
Wanted
Peruvian Spymaster Arrives Home
Hi everybody! Sorry I'm late! Anything happen while I was gone?
American
Tourists Warned About Terror Threats
Of course, any American tourist taking a holiday in Afghanistan, Iraq,
Iran, or the Sudan is a fool the U.S. can do without.
Spielberg
Credits Kubrick for 'A.I.'
Oh sure! Blame Kubrick when he's not alive to defend himself!
'People's'
Sexiest Bachelors
Yet another year and I still didn't make the list! How long will this
injustice go on?
Study
Finds Pattern in Violent Crime Cases
The pattern seems to suggest that, in every case of violent crime, some
manner of violence was perpetrated upon a victim, and rarely if ever on
the attacker.
When
Do Fetuses Have Rights?
When they get their Social Security Card, register with Selective Service,
and register to vote, by gum! When they are willing to take a responsible
and active role in their community, THEN they can have rights!
In the
U.S.A. we have a hilarious state called South Carolina (everyone
seems to forget about North Carolina though no one knows why) that
is curiously concerned with how a fetus can be killed in the Mother's
womb. If the woman takes illegal drugs during pregnancy, she can be tried
for attempted murder - but if she smokes cigarettes and drinks herself
blind every day - she can birth the dead fetus on the steps of the state
capitol and they'll only make her clean up the mess.
McCain
Slams Bush on Patients' Rights
McCain will use any excuse to "Slam Bush"!
Personally
speaking, I really like any headline that says someone "Slams Bush".
Its not that I have anything against George, its merely the visual of
"Slamming Bush". Pardon me, I think I'm gonna go "Slam
a little Bush"! IF you know what I mean...
Astrologers
Predict Prime Minister's Survival
Although the Taiwan Prime Minister, if found guilty, would be banned from
Poltics for 5 years, and not face the death penalty. So it was a pretty
safe prediction.
Woman
Swoops on Vulture
Yet another example of how British cuisine is beneath contempt.
Bank
Robber Passes Out Money
Turkey may have its problems, but they have the nicest bank robbers in
Istanbul!
Man
on Way to Brothel Finds Wife Working
Prostitution is legal in Germany, and so is soliciting a prostitue (its
illegal in the U.S.A. because police stations and the cities they serve
can and do make big money by both permitting prostitution to exist and
shaking down the "johns" who seek them). The Police were
called in when the husband, who was in the brothel to have a prostitute,
found that his wife was there working as one. They got into the obligatory
argument and life imitated ancient vaudeville comedy.
RETURN
TO TOP
From cbsnews.com
CIA
Can't Compete With Hackers
Hackers got game!
Meet
Bush's Mr. Inside
This Saturday in our new series, INSIDE BUSH. You must be 18 to watch.
Pope
Prays For Holocaust Victims
60 years too late, but hey! I'm sure it did a world of good!
Sharon
To Meet With Bush
Hot actress begins voyage of self-discovery.
More
Reported At Radiation Risk
For those who still blindly insist, against all history and logical reasoning,
that recycling uranium is safe, still more history is being made as new
government studies show that thousands more American workers than first
expected were contaminated for 47 years by "tainted uranium".
And don't give me that blithe "If/when handled properly" garbage.
Because from 1952
to 1999, and despite all regulations, laws, and rules to the contrary,
It Still Wasn't Being "Handled Properly"! Sheesh!
From msnbc.com
Zoo
defends actions in lizard attack
Godzilla was just asking for it!
Diners
make a slow comeback
After third trip to the buffet bar.
RETURN
TO TOP
JUNE
21 , 2001
From abcnews.com
States
Consider Suing Microsoft
Attorney Generals Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut and Tom Miller of
Iowa are being goaded into action by, get this, Netscape (of America OnLine,
formerly AOL/Time Warner, now back to being just AOL). Why is AOL jerking
Blumenthal and Miller's strings? Because they think Microsoft is trying
to extend its "Market Dominance". Can't you just taste the irony?
You can? Good! Will someone please give Miller and Blumenthal a freaking
clue?
Mars
Makes a Rare Pass by Earth
Whoa! That was close! Watch yer back there!
Whales
With ‘Craziest Sound’
Dig it Daddy-O!
Diplomatic
Foot-in-Mouth
Mel Lastman, the flamboyent and outspoken mayor of Toronto has a long
public life full of embarrassing gaffes. Recently, on a trip to Africa
to represent Toronto for the Olympic Games, he said "What the hell do
I want to go to a place like Mombasa [Kenya]?
"Snakes
just scare the hell out of me. I'm sort of scared about going there, but
the wife is really nervous. I just see myself in a pot of boiling water
with all these natives dancing around me."
Though
Mel is a source of extreme embarrassment to Canadians in general and the
citizens of Toronto in particular, they wouldn't have it any other way.
Mel has been making a fool of himself in elected public office for 31
years now and the hometown folks just love him.
I'm glad
such places still exist in this world and that there is a place for all
the Mel Lastmans on this planet.
We could
do a lot worse for our politicians and often have.
Too
Insane To Be Insane
Why thats crazy talk!
USDA
Seeks Gay Ombudsman
USDA Spokesman says that the Ombudsman will write PR for the USDA and
"Gays have such a wonderful way with words!"
Those
who wish to apply for the job should understand that you will be tested.
"There
is a casting couch of course!" said the USDA Spokesman. "We
don't want to be fooled by effeminate heterosexuals." Then he shyly
admitted. "My job gets kind of lonely."
Presbyterians
Leave Length of Creation Open
Ours is a well-hung God.
Church
Allows Varying Interpretations of Creation, Opposes Women Preaching
Says one Presbytarian Minister, "Unlike us, women think they have ALL the answers! We men, on the other hand, admit we don't know
what in the hell we are talking about."
Tiny
Viruses Point Way Toward New Antibiotic Drugs
Here! Here! Its over here! The drug is over here! Christ! We've been trying
to tell you all for years!
Clothes
Make the Marine (Almost) Invisible
Actually its the clothes that are invisible. The Marines only appear naked
to folks that are either morons or ill-fit for their job.
Man
Arrested for Assaulting Cookie Monster
Cookie was there for a Mall appearance. Then the aroma coming from a Mrs.
C's sparked what is being called a "blue" disaster.
High
Emotion in Columbine Over Marilyn Manson Gig
Oh that's right! It wasn't the "popular" kids that tortured
the crazed assassins EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY! It wasn't the irresponsible
parents of the assassins who took no interest in the fact that their sons
were BUILDING BOMBS IN THEIR FREAKING HOUSE! It wasn't the irresponsible
school administration or the irresponsible local law enforcement who turned
a BLIND EYE TO THE WHOLE FREAKING THING! NO! It was that damn Marilyn
Manson who caused the Columbine Massacre!
And KMFDM!
And video
games!
And violence
in movies!
Funny
how, violent video games, Marilyn Manson, and violent movies aren't affecting
the rest of the world. You would think that we'd be having Columbine Massacres
all over the country if there were any truth to such logic.
JUNE
18 , 2001
From nytimes.com
Canadians
Lean Toward Easing Marijuana Laws
They used to be able to stand up straight. Now leaning without falling
over is the best they can do.
Bush's
Warmth Toward Russian Leader Stirs Skeptics
My, but you've got a pretty mouth, boy
From abcnews.com
Violent
Crime Falls 15 Percent
More repercussions from the crash of the dot-coms.
Super-Sized
Churches on the Rise
They move outside of small towns and squeeze out the smaller Mom &
Pop churches with their lower prices and Bibles made in China!
Scientists
Find No Coffee Link to Colon Cancer
And frankly, they are sick of looking!
Crack
in Israeli Coalition, But Cease-fire Holds
Okay, we got the crack, but lets not fire it up just yet!
DNA
Frees Retarded Prisoner
A Mentally retarded man in Florida is freed, despite confessing to numerous
crimes, after DNA tests proved his innocence. If the guy lived in Texas
though, he would have been executed while the actual criminals continued
to do things . . . well, criminal!
Mentally
Retarded Will Not Get Second Glance in Texas
Texas Governor
Rick Perry vetoed the bill that would ban the execution of mentally retarded
criminals. Said Rick, "If we didn't execute the retards, we'd have
no executions at all!"
A
Casket for Rent
You think the Scots are cheap? Hoot Mon! They got NOTHING on the Irish!
Check it out Here!
RETURN
TO TOP
JUNE
13 , 2001
From cbsnews.com
Not
A Pretty Picture At Polaroid
After years
of being brought up short in a market leaping toward digital photos and
away from film, the dismally bone headed "bored of executors"
at Polaroid decided to lay off 2000 workers before they all implemented
their bonuses and pay raises.
Library
Drops Harry Potter Series
Of course
this happened in Kansas. Devout nincompoops, fearing that their God and
bible were no match for a children's book, had a Library reading of Harry
Potter books cancelled amidst much breast beating, jabbering of tongues,
and mugging for the camera.
The Library
was asking for it though. It advertised in local newspaper, The Oskaloosa
Independent, their reading program as "Muggle Studies" for, no kidding:
"aspiring young witches and wizards."
You don't
talk that way in Kansas, by cracky!
Across
the pond in England, Potter author J. K. Rowlings, fed up with all the
superstitious talk of evil in her books, conjured up a 5th level demon
(-50 armor class no less!). It personally assured both parents and children
gathered in the library, that there was absolutely nothing evil in the
Harry Potter books. With great sighs of relief, the parents gladly handed
over test tubes of their children's blood to the demon, which is what
they get paid for speaking engagements.
RETURN
TO TOP
JUNE
12 , 2001
From nytimes.com
Mideast
Security Talks Break Off After 4 Hours
Yeah, yeah,
yeah . . . yadda, yadda, yadda.
Sleeker
by 14 Pounds, Sharpton Fights On
They'll
never call him "fathead" again.
Well,
actually, they will.
Hearse
Decoy Used for McVeigh
Timothy
McVeigh was carried to his final resting place in the back of an Ice Cream
truck.
Military
Report Urges Joint Control
Christ but
you're worse than Bill Clinton! Here, give me that joint before you drop
it!
The
Reaction Abroad: Almost as One, Europe Condemns McVeigh Execution
To the surprise
of absolutely no one, nearly all of our European allies condemned the
execution of mass murderer Timothy McVeigh. This from an area helplessly
in the grip of International terrorists and organized crime since passing
their "No Execution" laws (These laws are only obeyed by the
governments. The criminals there have never had such a spree.)
The insufferably
boorish Étienne Schweisguth, a political scientist at the Institute for
Political Studies in Paris, France said, "There is definitely a sense
here, certainly among the elite, that we are ahead of the U.S.
on this issue morally and intellectually."* (*No joke, this
is an actual quote from this haughty boob!).
Criticizing
American executions, or just Americans period, is good politics in France.
Jack Lang, the French education minister, took a trip to Texas last year
to visit a prisoner on death row for his own self aggrandizement, publicly
deplore the process (heavily covered back in France), raise money for
himself, and gets lots of congratulatory suck-up from his sniveling peers.
In Italy,
Adriano Celentano dedicated an episode of his popular prime-time TV show
to the death penalty, but cut the debate portion when he could not find
anyone to defend it. This from a country where kidnapped children from
Albania are forced under pain of death to prostitute themselves on the
streets?
Ah well,
if these are the folks who call me a barbaric American, I can live with
that. You'll notice that precious few brave terrorists dare to screw around
in this country. I wonder why?
President
Says the Retarded Should Never Be Executed
Which is
the exact opposite of his position as governor of Texas and President
of the U.S. right up until he made this statement yesterday. Funny how
he can flip flop so easily on the subject of human life.
42
Arrested During Fracas in the Bronx After Parade
Have they
ever had a parade in the Bronx where nobody got arrested?
Microsoft
Is Ready to Supply a Phone in Every Computer
Even though
Microsoft has never actually made computers . . .
Nokia
Issues a Surprise Profit Warning
Surprise!
We are going to make a profit! I'm warning you!
C.I.A.
Chief Sees Arafat Before Leaving Mideast
No one is
sure what the C.I.A. chief went to see Arafat about, but when he left
he was smiling and Arafat stood at the door wearing a pink satin kimono.
JUNE
11 , 2001
From cbsnews.com
Lizard
Attack Hospitalizes Editor
On a trip
to the Los Angeles zoo, actress Sharon Stone's husband, Phil Bronstein,
had his big toe bitten by a 5 foot long giant Komodo dragon. Phil, is
the Big Toe of the San Francisco Chronicle. Phil's wife, Sharon Stone
arranged the trip to the zoo. The disappointed dragon, whose name also
happens to be Phil, said he was hoping for a bigger part.
"I
felt that this would help me get my foot in the door," claimed the
dragon. "I've been trying to get a leg up in the film industry for
some time now."
Unfortunately,
such strong arm tactics may well have put the dragon's acting career out
on a limb. Phil the dragon has been fingered for removal from the park's
petting zoo.
Jeb
Bush Will Run Again
Just in
case big brother George needs a state to obfuscate the election results
when he tries to buy a second term.
Venture
Capitalists' Dot-Com Anxiety
I'll try
not to worry over the anxiety of a Dot-Com Venture Capitalist. Any who
are considering this site and how you would like to buy control into it,
please move along. Go find a nice "catfood.com" to invest in
and wrest boardroom politics on. When I want to be impressed by the savvy
business acumen of a "dot-com venture capitalist", I'll just
take another look at the blighted Internet landscape of dot-com portfolios
blowing through the web.
Macedonia
Dares Rebels, Then Stops
Er . . .
I forget, just why were we doing this?
JUNE
8 , 2001
From ananova.com
Gay
Couples in NZ Could be Given Same Rights as Married Couples
And if that
happened . . . what? God would destroy the world in a snit?
Padded,
Breast-Enhancing Bra Saves Woman From Serious Injury
'Government
memo' Urges Women to Show Their Cleavage
Our only
concern is your safety.
 |
President's
Daughter Denies Fake ID Charge
"Hey,
but you are over 18 right? Here, let ME buy the next
round! I run a very cool website, you know?" ;-) |
Cheesemakers
Take Legal Action Over Parmesan Copiers
Copier company
has patiently tried, many times over, to explain that its just a brand
name - it can't actually make copies of cheese.
Pupils
Removed From White House After Praying for Bush
See if they
ever do THAT again!
From nytimes.com
U.S.
Got Bones From Australia for A-Testing
We wanted
meat, but all we got was bones. The damn Aussies on the other hand, made
out like bandits on the trade, getting blue glass beads, paste diamonds,
and novelty clothes that read, "I Traded My Country's Corpses to
the U.S. And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!"
Irish
Reject Nice Treaty in Blow to EU Expansion
Tsk. And
it was such a nice treaty too - with lovely little crinkly bits.
In
a Shift, White House Cites Global Warming as a Problem
The shift
comes because, prior to new scientific evidence, Bush Jr. had no idea
that global warming could actually affect him.
From cbsnews.com
Bush
Twins Enter Booze Pleas
"More
booze, please."
From abcnews.com
Norwegian
Pub Hires 91-year-old Woman as Bouncer
Which makes
sense because, really, I don't care how much of a bad ass you think you
are, you'd really lose respect picking a fight with someone's great-grandmother.
Youthful
Arrest May Haunt Max Kennedy's Congress Bid
Max Kennedy
and his cousin Michael Skakel were arrested in 1983 for assaulting a police
office. Not just a policeman, but the whole police office! Only someone
so arrogantly smug with their family's money and connections would think
they could get away with this. Actually, Kennedy did!
Skakel,
you'll remember, is charged with the murder of his 15 year old next door
neighbor, Martha Moxely in 1975. Max Kennedy attributes his arrest to
mere youth and irresponsibility.
Ugh!
This from the bastions of American liberal politics. Double ugh! Anyone
want to tell me again, how evil the conservatives are?
Taking
the Wind Out of Sheep
Those sheep
have been gettin' mighty uppity.
World
Learns of Atomic 'Baby Snatchers'
Are they
strong? Listen bud; they've got radioactive blood!
Actually,
this is another super creepy true story of our super creepy American era
of the 1950s. Read the actual story Here.
No wonder there were riots in the 1960s!
JUNE
4 , 2001
From abcnews.com
McCain:
No Plans to Leave GOP
Leave now?
At the moment of our triumph?
Pam
Anderson, Poison Frontman Settle Suit
Pam Anderson
- world famous for having taped herself having sex with Rock Star Tommy
Lee (of MOTLEY CRUE), then having said amatuer tape "stolen"
and put on the Internet; thus rejuvenating her career on Baywatch - became
famous again when the exact same circumstances, with far better production
values, occured again with Brett Michaels, thus rejuvenating her career
on VIP.
Brett,
whose 80's hairband POISON could certainly use the boost to their own
popularity, joined in the suit against IEG, the Internet company which
mysteriously got ahold of both videos. After having made a small fortune
on the vids, all parties got together in court, kissed and made up.
Both
Pam and Brett got their court ordered, 7 figure take of the profits and
all involved have reportedly went home happy.
And remember
gang, none of the "victims" of this "tragedy" had
any idea this would all happen!
On an
unrelated note: the members of the 80's hairband WHITE LION could sure
use a boost to their career, Pam. Just a thought.
Sony:
Phony Reviewer Gave Us Glowing Blurbs
Yeah, phony
reviewers will do that. Under fire from a Newsweek expose, Sony Pictures
admits it invented a fictional person named "David Manning"
to give their crappy movies THE HOLLOW MAN, VERTICAL LIMIT, THE ANIMAL,
and A KNIGHT'S TALE glowing reviews. So far Sony is owning up to their
"incredibly bad judgement". By that they mean inventing a fake
reviewer, not the giving of the green light to the movies listed above.
Whatever
happened to the honest way of getting a good review for a movie? By paying
off a real reviewer?
Royal
Scrooge
Still more
foolishness from Prince Phillip the Fop.
From msnbc.com
Britons
Aren’t So Tech-savvy
So neener-neener,
poo-poo!
Clashes
Threaten Mideast Cease-fire
The unexpected
happens for the millionth time.
Bush
Tours Everglades to Criticism
The tour
of the Everglades is going much nicer than his tour of Criticism.
JUNE
1 , 2001
From abcnews.com
Taliban
Hardens With Rage
But Afghan
women just aren't impressed.
L.A.
Cop Under Fire for Posing in 'Playboy'
What's the
problem here? Let's face it: What criminal wouldn't jump at the
chance to be spread, searched and handcuffed by a Playboy Playmate? You
know, you could even charge for that!
German
Company Seeks Buyer for Muppets
Attempts
at incorporating that famous Germanic humor into witty Muppet patter have
failed.
Averages
Aren't All They Seem
But only
on the average are averages not all they . . . oh screw it.
Bush
Daughters Face Charges
During the
annual "Run Of The Bulls" In Barcelona.
Class
President Sacked For Prom Condom Giveaway
Lissette
Stanley, was the senior class president of Blake High School in Tampa.
Then the school admin discovered that she included condoms in the prom
favor bags. This blatant display of honesty was not tolerated by the school
administrators, many of whom had sex on the night of their own High School Proms, and they kicked
her off the school.
The teachers confiscated the
condoms - for their own party later - and told the students "If you
are going to have sex tonight then you'll do it without THESE!"
Fearful that modern songs
might be influencing the High School Seniors to engage in sex, the teachers
present then stopped the music and replaced it with the more moral songs
from their own era, including such tunes as "Help me Make It Through
The Night", "If It Feels Good Do It", "Love The One
You're With", "If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right",
"I Can't Get No Satisfaction", "Mrs. Jones", "Why Don't We Do It In The
Road", "Love To Love You Baby", "Bad Girls",
and "My Ding-A-Ling"
We can only assume, in the light
of their dismay and outrage, that the school officials had unprotected
sex on the night of their own High School Prom.
Scientists
Find Record-Sized Dinosaur
Which is
rumored to be the missing link, and predecessor to, the CD-sized dinosaur.
Return to Horrible News
|
