HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS
BRINGING YOU THE MOST HORRIBLE NEWS SINCE 1999, -
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REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
MAY 24, 2001
Issues Apology in Dispute Over Beef Flavoring in French Fries Served in
Appeals Ruling That Bars Girlfriend From Mansion
Get The Edge
Ford Model Wins Rare German Praise
Vandals Clog Antivandalism Web Site
Ban On Drug Crops Is Working, U.S. Concludes
consulted the wisdom of his Holy Koran (Of course, to understand
wisdom, one must first be wise).
So I'm kinda lost here. Did Omar only choose to find this "Stop The Poppy" wisdom in the Koran after Bush promised him the money? ("Oh! Here it is in the Koran! 'Don't grow poppys!' Silly me! It was here all this time!") And does this mean that Afghanistan and the U.S. are friends now despite the Jihad terrorism and all?
MAY 23, 2001
Than One Way of Looking at Software Maker's Earnings
of Genetic Engineering Are Suspects in Northwest Fires
Judge In Brooklyn Is A Finalist for F.B.I. Post
The article goes on to say that Sterling, if selected "would be the first black to head the bureau, law enforcement officials in Washington and New York said today."
The first black what? Black man? Black woman? Black BOARD?
Fight by Democrats Delays Tax Bill
Bush Cabinet Members Drop Meetings With G.O.P. Donors
So who did you vote for?
Propose an Identity Label to 'Protect' Hindus
Is Putting Team in Place For a Full-Bore Assault on Regulation
Nazis While Dancing With Death
MAY 18, 2001
New Focus On Protecting Production of Energy
Panel Blames Lack of Action for Deaths
Hey! Why don't you tell us that the earth is round?
Is Convicted of Killing Her Fetus by Smoking Cocaine
MAY 17, 2001
Gingerly Considers More Active Role In Mideast
If this is the way our Middle East "Friends" are going to treat us, I say we should kiss and make up with Saddam and let him do his thing!
Eggs Clinton In Poland
Seek Supercomputer's Help
Women Overcome Polygamy
Star That Burps
That Won't Go Away
"But what will we do with all of that nuclear waste?" asked one concerned reporter.
"Oh," Cheney answered, staring off into space. "We'll figure out what to do with it some day."
Hey jackass! We've had Nuclear Power for over 50 years now and you dimbulbs STILL haven't figured out what to do with it! The ideas you have come across with have - so far - SUCKED! Drop tanks of nuclear waste into the ocean (Those tanks leaked) ??? Put it in a rocket and shoot it off into space (Why not? Rockets never blow up on the launch pad) ??? What kind of mind rot is this anyway?
Daughter Pleads No Contest
The Monkey Man
MAY 16, 2001
Task Force on Energy Worked in Mysterious Ways
Goes Beyond Initial Plan Against Adult Sites
Wait for Its Oil Riches May Be Long
Rebuked for Delaying Campaign Finance Bill
MAY 10, 2001
call off attacks on U.S. sites
Hacker tracking sites from around the world witnessed and reported this. ABC news, which also failed to accurately cover the news about DVD encryption (which was better covered by various business and tech magazines and CBS) was left - yet again - saying "Duhhh . . . ?"
MAY 8, 2001
Moms On Top
Family Horrified By Corpse Across The Aisle
So the next time you are horrified by a corpse, first try and put yourself in their shoes.
They won't be needing them.
Kidman Takes Fan
Tom Cruise, seated on his side of the court room, snickered quietly into his hand.
Mayor's Wife Asks Court
To Bar Girlfriend
Bush Taps New DEA
Tito Sentimental, A Little
Brain Area Affects Sense
White House: Americans Deserve
Heavy Energy Use
That and the fact that he and his oil robber baron cronies are making billions as they wreck the U.S. economy with artificially induced high oil prices.
Nearly half of you were inexcusably stupid enough to vote for him instead of McCain (when you had the chance), so BEND OVER AMERICA!
Meanwhile I figure that what I save from my measly tax break will go into Bush's pocket instead of Uncle Sams by way of my paying for one month of electricity.
United States Woos Allies
On Missile Defense Plan
To put it mildly, our Allies
are said to have registered surprise at the video.
Defense Says Bombing Defendants
Had Minor Role In Blasts
You Own Your Genes?
The government of FRANCE is calling US arrogant! FRANCE! ROFL!
Others say that the world needs "counter-balances" to American power. Who is saying these things? Why none other than China and Russia, both long known for counter-balancing their own power by ruthlessly warring on other countries for land grabs, threatening their neighbors, butchering their own people, being involved in slave-trade, shitting on human rights, unjustifiable arrests and executions and so on.
The ambassador's to France, Russia, China, and the rest of the 52 countries that voted against human rights in the U.N. (the same U.N. that has turned a smiling blind eye to the slaughter of women and children in the Sudan, Afghanistan, and Rwanda, as well as the kidnapping and murder of underage girls from Albania to be sold into sexual slavery on the streets of Italy and elsewhere), all congratulated each other heartily for their infantile snub of the U.S. as well as their undying devotion to hypocrisy. All would have gone swimmingly had not the Chinese ambassadors started making fun of Jean Levitte's french accent.
House Debates Fate of Pollution-Control Suits
JUNE 27 , 2001
Invokes Spirit of Forgiveness
to be arraigned for perjury
Agrees to Air Eminem's Video
OKs Change to Faith-Funds Bill
Korean family flees famine
Tells Bush Violence Must End
Army officer guilty of spying
* - The officer in question, 74 year old retired Army Colonel George Trofimoff, told jurors that, "I was never a spy, but was forced to pretend to be one because of money problems."
just laughed at him. -
Executes Dozens on Drug Charges
High profile self-important pinchbrains like political scientist Étienne Schweisguth and French education Minister Jack Lang, who get in a sweat when the U.S. executes some selfish sick shit child slaughtering mass murderer like Tim McVeigh - who had a full investigation, several trials, and was convicted by his peers prior to his execution - get all timid and coy when their good friends like the Chinese government runs around slaughtering citizens who are merely "suspect".
Étienne, said earlier this month that, "There is definitely a sense here, certainly among the elite, that we are ahead of the U.S. on this issue morally and intellectually." in reference to executions by the state. So Ét' must surely be looking down his haughty nose at his country's good friend, the Chinese government.
And French Ambassador, Jean-David Levitte, who with juvenile clique pride partnered with Chinese ambassadors in May to shut the U.S. out of the U.N. and considers the execution of murderous criminals in America "barbaric" has nothing to say to news folks about how he perceives his Chinese buddies on this issue. For the record, China has said nothing negative about U.S. policy toward the execution of its most heineous criminals.
group: Stop death penalty
Why does the Council of Europe focus on Japan and the United States and not other countries with observer status like Iran, Saudi Arabia, and China - CHINA (!) which executed over 800 people, many without trial - in May alone?
Lord Russell-Johnston, President of the Council of Europe Parliamentary Assembly, had this to say (and the following is a real quote straight from http://www.coe.int)
"The answer is simple. The United States and Japan are prominent democracies. Iran is not. Unlike Saudi Arabia, the United States and Japan are very vocal on their commitment to human rights. They therefore have to accept to be held against higher standards of civilised behaviour."
So what does that mean exactly? Is he dismissing the behavior of the Chinese government and the hundreds of lives that are being lost each month to the death penalty? Russell doesn't consider the Chinese people civilised? Is he saying that the Chinese lack "higher standards"?
He goes on to say "This does not mean that we are not concerned, even appalled by the barbarian attitudes in other countries, but if we want to make a difference, we have to start with the United States and Japan."
So every time Lord Russell-Johnston passes the delegates from China in the hall he is thinking "Hmf! Appalling Barbarians!" ?
Maybe what "Lord" Johnston is really saying, in other words, is that the rules of the hypocritical C.O.E. are capricious in their execution.
Thanks for clearing that up ya dishonest two-faced dweeb! Your Mama should have taught you some "higher standards of civilised behaviour" ya punk!
whales moving into Gulf of Mexico
downplays breast cancer exam
JUNE 25 , 2001
Lures Teenagers With Make-Up Line
Peruvian Spymaster Arrives Home
Tourists Warned About Terror Threats
Credits Kubrick for 'A.I.'
Finds Pattern in Violent Crime Cases
Do Fetuses Have Rights?
In the U.S.A. we have a hilarious state called South Carolina (everyone seems to forget about North Carolina though no one knows why) that is curiously concerned with how a fetus can be killed in the Mother's womb. If the woman takes illegal drugs during pregnancy, she can be tried for attempted murder - but if she smokes cigarettes and drinks herself blind every day - she can birth the dead fetus on the steps of the state capitol and they'll only make her clean up the mess.
Slams Bush on Patients' Rights
Personally speaking, I really like any headline that says someone "Slams Bush". Its not that I have anything against George, its merely the visual of "Slamming Bush". Pardon me, I think I'm gonna go "Slam a little Bush"! IF you know what I mean...
Predict Prime Minister's Survival
Swoops on Vulture
Robber Passes Out Money
on Way to Brothel Finds Wife Working
Can't Compete With Hackers
Bush's Mr. Inside
Prays For Holocaust Victims
To Meet With Bush
Reported At Radiation Risk
defends actions in lizard attack
make a slow comeback
JUNE 21 , 2001
Consider Suing Microsoft
Makes a Rare Pass by Earth
With ‘Craziest Sound’
"Snakes just scare the hell out of me. I'm sort of scared about going there, but the wife is really nervous. I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me."
Though Mel is a source of extreme embarrassment to Canadians in general and the citizens of Toronto in particular, they wouldn't have it any other way. Mel has been making a fool of himself in elected public office for 31 years now and the hometown folks just love him.
I'm glad such places still exist in this world and that there is a place for all the Mel Lastmans on this planet.
We could do a lot worse for our politicians and often have.
Insane To Be Insane
Seeks Gay Ombudsman
Those who wish to apply for the job should understand that you will be tested.
"There is a casting couch of course!" said the USDA Spokesman. "We don't want to be fooled by effeminate heterosexuals." Then he shyly admitted. "My job gets kind of lonely."
Leave Length of Creation Open
Allows Varying Interpretations of Creation, Opposes Women Preaching
Viruses Point Way Toward New Antibiotic Drugs
Make the Marine (Almost) Invisible
Arrested for Assaulting Cookie Monster
Emotion in Columbine Over Marilyn Manson Gig
And video games!
And violence in movies!
Funny how, violent video games, Marilyn Manson, and violent movies aren't affecting the rest of the world. You would think that we'd be having Columbine Massacres all over the country if there were any truth to such logic.
JUNE 18 , 2001
Lean Toward Easing Marijuana Laws
Warmth Toward Russian Leader Stirs Skeptics
Crime Falls 15 Percent
Churches on the Rise
Find No Coffee Link to Colon Cancer
in Israeli Coalition, But Cease-fire Holds
Frees Retarded Prisoner
Retarded Will Not Get Second Glance in Texas
Casket for Rent
JUNE 13 , 2001
A Pretty Picture At Polaroid
Drops Harry Potter Series
The Library was asking for it though. It advertised in local newspaper, The Oskaloosa Independent, their reading program as "Muggle Studies" for, no kidding: "aspiring young witches and wizards."
You don't talk that way in Kansas, by cracky!
Across the pond in England, Potter author J. K. Rowlings, fed up with all the superstitious talk of evil in her books, conjured up a 5th level demon (-50 armor class no less!). It personally assured both parents and children gathered in the library, that there was absolutely nothing evil in the Harry Potter books. With great sighs of relief, the parents gladly handed over test tubes of their children's blood to the demon, which is what they get paid for speaking engagements.
JUNE 12 , 2001
Security Talks Break Off After 4 Hours
by 14 Pounds, Sharpton Fights On
Well, actually, they will.
Decoy Used for McVeigh
Report Urges Joint Control
Reaction Abroad: Almost as One, Europe Condemns McVeigh Execution
The insufferably boorish Étienne Schweisguth, a political scientist at the Institute for Political Studies in Paris, France said, "There is definitely a sense here, certainly among the elite, that we are ahead of the U.S. on this issue morally and intellectually."* (*No joke, this is an actual quote from this haughty boob!).
Criticizing American executions, or just Americans period, is good politics in France. Jack Lang, the French education minister, took a trip to Texas last year to visit a prisoner on death row for his own self aggrandizement, publicly deplore the process (heavily covered back in France), raise money for himself, and gets lots of congratulatory suck-up from his sniveling peers.
In Italy, Adriano Celentano dedicated an episode of his popular prime-time TV show to the death penalty, but cut the debate portion when he could not find anyone to defend it. This from a country where kidnapped children from Albania are forced under pain of death to prostitute themselves on the streets?
Ah well, if these are the folks who call me a barbaric American, I can live with that. You'll notice that precious few brave terrorists dare to screw around in this country. I wonder why?
Says the Retarded Should Never Be Executed
Arrested During Fracas in the Bronx After Parade
Is Ready to Supply a Phone in Every Computer
Issues a Surprise Profit Warning
Chief Sees Arafat Before Leaving Mideast
JUNE 11 , 2001
Attack Hospitalizes Editor
"I felt that this would help me get my foot in the door," claimed the dragon. "I've been trying to get a leg up in the film industry for some time now."
Unfortunately, such strong arm tactics may well have put the dragon's acting career out on a limb. Phil the dragon has been fingered for removal from the park's petting zoo.
Bush Will Run Again
Capitalists' Dot-Com Anxiety
Dares Rebels, Then Stops
JUNE 8 , 2001
Couples in NZ Could be Given Same Rights as Married Couples
Padded, Breast-Enhancing Bra Saves Woman From Serious Injury
memo' Urges Women to Show Their Cleavage
Take Legal Action Over Parmesan Copiers
Removed From White House After Praying for Bush
Got Bones From Australia for A-Testing
Reject Nice Treaty in Blow to EU Expansion
a Shift, White House Cites Global Warming as a Problem
Twins Enter Booze Pleas
Pub Hires 91-year-old Woman as Bouncer
Arrest May Haunt Max Kennedy's Congress Bid
Skakel, you'll remember, is charged with the murder of his 15 year old next door neighbor, Martha Moxely in 1975. Max Kennedy attributes his arrest to mere youth and irresponsibility.
Ugh! This from the bastions of American liberal politics. Double ugh! Anyone want to tell me again, how evil the conservatives are?
the Wind Out of Sheep
Learns of Atomic 'Baby Snatchers'
Actually, this is another super creepy true story of our super creepy American era of the 1950s. Read the actual story Here. No wonder there were riots in the 1960s!
JUNE 4 , 2001
No Plans to Leave GOP
Anderson, Poison Frontman Settle Suit
Brett, whose 80's hairband POISON could certainly use the boost to their own popularity, joined in the suit against IEG, the Internet company which mysteriously got ahold of both videos. After having made a small fortune on the vids, all parties got together in court, kissed and made up.
Both Pam and Brett got their court ordered, 7 figure take of the profits and all involved have reportedly went home happy.
And remember gang, none of the "victims" of this "tragedy" had any idea this would all happen!
On an unrelated note: the members of the 80's hairband WHITE LION could sure use a boost to their career, Pam. Just a thought.
Phony Reviewer Gave Us Glowing Blurbs
Whatever happened to the honest way of getting a good review for a movie? By paying off a real reviewer?
Aren’t So Tech-savvy
Threaten Mideast Cease-fire
Tours Everglades to Criticism
JUNE 1 , 2001
Hardens With Rage
Cop Under Fire for Posing in 'Playboy'
Company Seeks Buyer for Muppets
Aren't All They Seem
Daughters Face Charges
President Sacked For Prom Condom Giveaway
The teachers confiscated the condoms - for their own party later - and told the students "If you are going to have sex tonight then you'll do it without THESE!"
Fearful that modern songs might be influencing the High School Seniors to engage in sex, the teachers present then stopped the music and replaced it with the more moral songs from their own era, including such tunes as "Help me Make It Through The Night", "If It Feels Good Do It", "Love The One You're With", "If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right", "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", "Mrs. Jones", "Why Don't We Do It In The Road", "Love To Love You Baby", "Bad Girls", and "My Ding-A-Ling"
We can only assume, in the light of their dismay and outrage, that the school officials had unprotected sex on the night of their own High School Prom.
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