Feo Amante's Horrible News REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS
BRINGING YOU THE MOST HORRIBLE NEWS SINCE 1999, -
ALL FROM THE MIND OF FEO AMANTE. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
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So shifty it needs its own separate article: Read the story behind the curious and unsupported "facts" as presented by the anti-drug U.S. government site, Media Campaign
Feo let's them hang by their own non-hemp rope in
TEEN POT USE

NEWS ARCHIVE
MAY 2001

 


CULLED FROM THE BOWELS OF:
News Resources

ABCNEWS.COM

ANANOVA.COM

BBCNEWS

CBSNEWS.COM

CNN

FOXNEWS.COM

INFOBEAT.COM

myway.com

MSNBC.COM

NEW YORK TIMES

REUTERS

 

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THE HARDCORE
REAL SITES OF REAL EXTREMISTS AND THEIR REASONS

Home site of the #1 False Prophet of the world, Hal Lindsey! He's had so many of his prophecies crap out that now he only prophecizes about things that will happen long after he's dead and doesn't have to humiliate himself anymore. and he STILL has his followers!
HALLINDSEY ORACLE.COM

Neal Horsely is neither racist or sexist, but he is a Christian man who feels that he is witnessing a great evil: Human Abortion.
This is the site that provides a HIT LIST for would be murderers of Abortion Clinic Doctors. Think this site is totally evil? You may be right. But now you have the opportunity to form your own opinion instead of just having it spoon-fed to you.

CHRISTIAN GALLERY.COM

Michael Jackson used to look black, but thanks to numerous surgeries, he's white (and possibly female). David Duke (now living in France) used to look Jewish, but thanks to numerous surgeries, HE's white! Read what new tricks this former KKK Wizard, (and still pal of former klansman, Sen. Robert Byrd [D]), with his poofy little doggie, is up to. The way he gushes over us white folk is enough to make me blush!
DAVID DUKE

Another prissy and effeminate hate monger - only he don't like my kind! In the interest of equal time I did my damndest to find a site by Louie, but no cigar. Here is the only thing I could find. Louie in his own words.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN

He made a movie about his trials and tribulations in promoting his book, DOWNSIZE THIS. The film, THE BIG ONE, was hailed by critics, but since it trashed liberal businesses (like Nike) and the Clinton administration, it was crushed by the distributor, Miramax, which only released it to 33 theaters (according to the imdb.com). Since then, to insure good distribution, Michael's curtailed both his freedom of speech and thought, making only movies frothing with liberalism and fanatically bashing everything else! Check out Michael Moore in his own words, but better save those webpages. He tends to erase his contradictions often.
MICHAEL MOORE

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REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1

 

MAY 24, 2001

From abcnews.com

McDonald's Issues Apology in Dispute Over Beef Flavoring in French Fries Served in U.S.
We're sorry. We thought we could get away with it and not get caught. Stupid vegetarians anyhow. We'll think of something else then.

Guiliani Appeals Ruling That Bars Girlfriend From Mansion
I don't want to hear anymore Republican hypocrital rhubarb about Slick Willy. This Republican character - Bush Jr.'s buddy in New York ( Beware of Texans who buddy up to people in New York! Bush Jr.'s presidency was made in New York City! NEW YORK CITY!) - is just an unabashed, immoral punk. You do NOT invite your girlfriend to "hang out" in the home of your wife and children. Even the French know better than that!

Dems Get The Edge
And dems what got de edge, use de edge!

From nytimes.com

A Ford Model Wins Rare German Praise
And even the Germans are surprised!

Computer Vandals Clog Antivandalism Web Site
Yet another tale of people who are Just ASKING for it!
And I'm probably one of them! But hey, anything for a laugh!

Taliban Ban On Drug Crops Is Working, U.S. Concludes
Many critics question the Taliban's motives. Until recently, the poppy harvest had grown. Why did the Afghan ruler, Mullah Omar finally, only now, decide to say no?

Two things:

1. He consulted the wisdom of his Holy Koran (Of course, to understand wisdom, one must first be wise).
2. By stopping the growth of the Poppys that are used to make opium (also the name of a very popular women's cologne in the Western nations) and heroin (not a very marketable name in the best of circumstances), Mullah Omar was able to grab the $25,000,000 in aid from those famous foreign devils (the same devils who helped drive the invading Soviets out) America!

So I'm kinda lost here. Did Omar only choose to find this "Stop The Poppy" wisdom in the Koran after Bush promised him the money? ("Oh! Here it is in the Koran! 'Don't grow poppys!' Silly me! It was here all this time!") And does this mean that Afghanistan and the U.S. are friends now despite the Jihad terrorism and all?

 

MAY 23, 2001

From nytimes.com

More Than One Way of Looking at Software Maker's Earnings
There is the ever-popular Vapor Way! A fantasy of earnings so mythic its almost spurious!

Foes of Genetic Engineering Are Suspects in Northwest Fires
And they're not too friendly toward the surrounding environment either!

Federal Judge In Brooklyn Is A Finalist for F.B.I. Post
Judge Sterling Johnson Jr. is so happy that he's blushing, squirming, and giggling like a schoolgirl!

The article goes on to say that Sterling, if selected "would be the first black to head the bureau, law enforcement officials in Washington and New York said today."

The first black what? Black man? Black woman? Black BOARD?

WHAT?

Dogged Fight by Democrats Delays Tax Bill
Ha! Those crazy Democrats just can't stop their backroom dog fights long enough to do anything. But they are running low on pitbulls and poodles.

3 Bush Cabinet Members Drop Meetings With G.O.P. Donors
After being busted for doing the exact same thing that the Republicans slammed President Clinton for - catering to his heavy cash-cow donors. See nothing changes in the wonderful world of two-faced Washington D.C. bastards. There is no liberal or conservative, Republican or Democrat, there is only money and hypocrisy.

So who did you vote for?

Taliban Propose an Identity Label to 'Protect' Hindus
"Its for their own protection," say Afghan leaders, the Taliban numbskulls. The rest of the world isn't fooled by Taliban evil or stupidity. Bush, however, approved the sending of $25,000,000 of U.S. taxpayer money to Afghanistan last week (this last sentence is true).

Bush Is Putting Team in Place For a Full-Bore Assault on Regulation
Which is exactly what the former Republican governor of California did to the energy suppliers during his term. He had them de-regulated. Without regulation they spent money like fools, behaved like morons, and are now sniveling like cowards - in fear of the consumer wrath that is rapidly turning against them.

Mocking Nazis While Dancing With Death
Its headlines like this that I live for!

 

MAY 18, 2001

From nytimes.com

A New Focus On Protecting Production of Energy
We have to protect these over-charging-wreck the U.S. economy and rape the environment for their own short term gain, bloated big oil companies from our own wrath.

Columbine Panel Blames Lack of Action for Deaths
Er . . . Thanks Columbine panel, for stating the OBVIOUS! The rest of the world already figured out that the parents, teachers, and police of your teeny community did jack-shit while your feted "popular" students harrassed, assaulted, and battered some of the weaker students to the point of insane homicide.

Hey! Why don't you tell us that the earth is round?

Woman Is Convicted of Killing Her Fetus by Smoking Cocaine
Does this mean that women will now be imprisoned for drinking beer while pregnant? How about if they smoke cigarettes while pregnant? Am I noticing an outrageous hypocrisy here or should I just shut up?

 

MAY 17, 2001

From nytimes.com

U.S. Gingerly Considers More Active Role In Mideast
Hmmm . . . let's see, we entrench the leaders of the country for them (The Shah of Iran), we betray our friendship with them (Saddam used to be our buddy!), we fight their wars for them (We freed Kuwait from Iraq), We impose embargos on them (Iran and Iraq), We protect them from their enemies (We based our military in Saudi Arabia to protect them against the Iraqis), We have been permanently involved in the Israel / Palestine conflict, we turn the other way when our Middle East "allies" deal in slavery, and genocide (Many Mideast nations, like Afghanistan and Sudan) and we suck more oil out of their land than any other nation on earth. We give them hundreds of millions of dollars each year for no apparent reason. Now we are going to get MORE active? Yep, our Saudi Arabian "friend", Crown Prince Abdullah is going to visit Canada but won't visit us until we take an even MORE active role in the Israel / Palestinian conflict. Hey Prince Abby, say it with me: Hybrid Cars!

If this is the way our Middle East "Friends" are going to treat us, I say we should kiss and make up with Saddam and let him do his thing!

 

From abcnews.com

Protestor Eggs Clinton In Poland
But despite being egged on to "Do it! Do it!" by the rabble rouser, Slick Willy refused to have sex with the teenage boy's ugly sister. While the boy had a coniption fit, Willy laughed and said, "it was good for young people to be angry about something."

Scientists Seek Supercomputer's Help
Computer however, is a free agent and is holding out for more money.

Microsoft Got Game
They want to compete against the Linux box of Sony Playstation 2. Problem is, by the time Microsoft releases their X-Box (which suspiciously looks an awful lot like Sony's X-plod car stereo box) in November of 2001 (If they release it by 2001, MS is known to miss their launch dates), Sony will already be releasing Playstation 3 (Most likely to be called Playstation 3D). The new X-Box will have a GeForce 3 card. Problem again is, the NVidea GeForce 3 will be old by that time and the rest of us will have moved on to NVidea GeForce 4 (or possibly the ATI Radeon). Personally, I thought MS already had a pretty nifty gaming platform. I call it Windows 98SE.

Helping Women Overcome Polygamy
Admitting you have a problem is the first step! You can beat this polygamy thing! If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for your husband!

A Star That Burps
Is only - slightly - less rude than a star that farts. Both are filled with gas so . . . keep your distance!

Waste That Won't Go Away
Vice-President Dick Cheney, speaking through his own mouth instead of Bush Jr.'s, wants to re-instate the building of Nuclear Power Plants. "Now that I have a monetary interest in the deal, I want to sweeten my bank account at the expense of the American taxpayer - who will be expected to pay for said Nuclear Power Plants."

"But what will we do with all of that nuclear waste?" asked one concerned reporter.

"Oh," Cheney answered, staring off into space. "We'll figure out what to do with it some day."

Hey jackass! We've had Nuclear Power for over 50 years now and you dimbulbs STILL haven't figured out what to do with it! The ideas you have come across with have - so far - SUCKED! Drop tanks of nuclear waste into the ocean (Those tanks leaked) ??? Put it in a rocket and shoot it off into space (Why not? Rockets never blow up on the launch pad) ??? What kind of mind rot is this anyway?

Bush Daughter Pleads No Contest
Like Father, like Daughter. Some things never change! <Sniff!> You watch them grow up, and when they follow in your footsteps it . . . it . . . It just makes you so PROUD!


Smell? What Smell?
This is really such a great story that I have to let it stand as is. Go read it Here.

Beware The Monkey Man
I swear! This whole Horrible News thing started off as a joke! But the actual stories are getting weirder than what I make up! Go read about it Here.

 

MAY 16, 2001

From nytimes.com

Bush Task Force on Energy Worked in Mysterious Ways
Secret Meetings, refusal to be forthcoming, and planned profiteering on every executive decision made is the deal between Cheney and Bush Jr. BUT HEY! Though they may be destroying the nation's economy and robbing the U.S. citizen blind for their own personal gain, at least they aren't having SEX!

Yahoo Goes Beyond Initial Plan Against Adult Sites
Yahoo can't back stab its old business partners fast enough.

Chad's Wait for Its Oil Riches May Be Long
But Chad is used to waiting.

Lott Rebuked for Delaying Campaign Finance Bill
What? Trent Lott do something shifty? I don't believe it! You can't MAKE me believe it!

 

MAY 10, 2001

From abcnews.com

Chinese hackers call off attacks on U.S. sites
And small wonder! Running largely off of pirated Windows NT server software and poor encryption, Chinese websites were counter-attacked by U.S. hackers (using their own flavors of FreeBSD, Linux, and Unix to name a few) at a rate of about 3 to 1 according to some reports.

Hacker tracking sites from around the world witnessed and reported this. ABC news, which also failed to accurately cover the news about DVD encryption (which was better covered by various business and tech magazines and CBS) was left - yet again - saying "Duhhh . . . ?"

Human Landing On Mars?
Daniel Goldin, head of NASA said that humans could land on Mars within the next two decades. This is no where near as thrilling a statement as Kennedy's "End Of This Decade" statement which started the U.S. Soviet space race to the moon. Then again, this is Daniel Goldin we are talking about. The same one who got his nose bent out of shape over the Russians beating us to the "First Space Tourist" record. Hey, Tito gave you first crack at it and you snubbed him! So shut-up about it and keep stroking for that tax money, Dan!

FDA Asked To Halt Franken-Fish
A surprised Al Franken wants to know why.
Comedy Central Reporter, Al Franken
Al Franken
Photo from
Comedy Network

MAY 8, 2001

From abcnews.com

Scandinavian Moms On Top
And wouldn't YOU like to know the rest of this story? Yeah, I BET you would!

GMA: Family Horrified By Corpse Across The Aisle
Corpse claims it was all a big misunderstanding. "I was just trying to entertain their baby by making faces at it. I guess the thing I did with my eyeballs may have been a bit much."

So the next time you are horrified by a corpse, first try and put yourself in their shoes.

They won't be needing them.

Kidman Takes Fan To Court
The fan turned to Nicole and said, "This is your idea of fun? You are the worst date ever!"

Tom Cruise, seated on his side of the court room, snickered quietly into his hand.

Mayor's Wife Asks Court To Bar Girlfriend
New York City mayor Rudolph Guiliani keeps bringing his girlfriend home to his wife, much to Donna's chagrin. The soon to be ex-wife, Donna Hanover, is asking a judge to please make Rudy stop flaunting his girlfriend in front of his wife and children In Their Home (!). And you wonder why the Republicans don't bray about "Family Values" anymore. Even Clinton was never THAT low-brow. And that's saying a LOT!

Bush Taps New DEA Chief
In a spirited game of Whitehouse tag!

Tito Sentimental, A Little Bitter
First tourist in space, Dennis Tito was amazed at his Russian hosts hospitality and bitterly surprised at the bureaucratic pettiness of NASA officials concerning his spaceflight. NASA head, Daniel "The Asshole" Goldin not only mooed dark rumors about Tito's "patriotism", but also defecated and threw his feces during the press conference.

Brain Area Affects Sense of 'Self'
So you say! But most guy's sense of self resides just below the waist area.

White House: Americans Deserve Heavy Energy Use
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said, "The president considers Americans' heavy use of energy a 'reflection of the strength of our economy', of the way of life that the American people have come to enjoy."

That and the fact that he and his oil robber baron cronies are making billions as they wreck the U.S. economy with artificially induced high oil prices.

Nearly half of you were inexcusably stupid enough to vote for him instead of McCain (when you had the chance), so BEND OVER AMERICA!

Meanwhile I figure that what I save from my measly tax break will go into Bush's pocket instead of Uncle Sams by way of my paying for one month of electricity.

United States Woos Allies On Missile Defense Plan
The Whitehouse has released a video in several different launguages of Dick Cheney giving a saucy wink, holding a bouquet of roses, and wearing only a speedo while Bush Jr. blows kisses and plays a mandolin.

To put it mildly, our Allies are said to have registered surprise at the video.

Defense Says Bombing Defendants Had Minor Role In Blasts
It was the explosives that had the major role.

Should You Own Your Genes?
Good question! I've been giving my genes away for years! Ahem . . .

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From nytimes.com


News Analysis: To European Eyes, It's America the Ugly
It seems that some in the U.N. find the U.S. arrogant. Who would that be particularly? Why none other than the boufant hairsprayed toupee wearing Ambassador to France,
Jean-David Levitte (known by some as the Uriah Heep of the U.N.).

The government of FRANCE is calling US arrogant! FRANCE! ROFL!

Others say that the world needs "counter-balances" to American power. Who is saying these things? Why none other than China and Russia, both long known for counter-balancing their own power by ruthlessly warring on other countries for land grabs, threatening their neighbors, butchering their own people, being involved in slave-trade, shitting on human rights, unjustifiable arrests and executions and so on.

The ambassador's to France, Russia, China, and the rest of the 52 countries that voted against human rights in the U.N. (the same U.N. that has turned a smiling blind eye to the slaughter of women and children in the Sudan, Afghanistan, and Rwanda, as well as the kidnapping and murder of underage girls from Albania to be sold into sexual slavery on the streets of Italy and elsewhere), all congratulated each other heartily for their infantile snub of the U.S. as well as their undying devotion to hypocrisy. All would have gone swimmingly had not the Chinese ambassadors started making fun of Jean Levitte's french accent.

White House Debates Fate of Pollution-Control Suits
Which are neither stylish or fashionable.


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NEWS ARCHIVE
JUNE 2001

 

JUNE 27 , 2001

From infobeat.com

Pope Invokes Spirit of Forgiveness
But the spirit of a 4th level demon appeared instead, behaved like a jerk, and totally ruined the festival!

Estrada to be arraigned for perjury
So he wasn't REALLY a California Highway Patrolman! I feel so deceived!

MTV Agrees to Air Eminem's Video
Well aren't they just living on the edge? Did this decision come after a lot of soul-searching? (HA! I'm just playing! Like you, I know that MTV execs have no souls!)

GOP OKs Change to Faith-Funds Bill
Republicans will no longer expect to be paid with faith.

N. Korean family flees famine
They plan to start a new life in the land of plenty: Ethiopia!

Sharon Tells Bush Violence Must End
"Well no shit Ariel! Hey, thanks for telling me!" says Bush. "But what about hunger and disease? Do you think we should end that too?"

Retired Army officer guilty of spying
And he feels just awful about it!

* - The officer in question, 74 year old retired Army Colonel George Trofimoff, told jurors that, "I was never a spy, but was forced to pretend to be one because of money problems."

The jurors just laughed at him. -
*This part is true!

China Executes Dozens on Drug Charges
Nobody is proud of their politicians (well, okay, I'm proud of John McCain but he's one out of thousands in the U.S.), but even the citizens of France must be cringing over the hypocrisy of their self-titled "elite" politicos. While the top wonks of French government can't wring their hands enough over the occasional execution of a murderer here in the U.S., these same two-faced nimrods remain ever so mum over China's daily mass executions of its citizens who are merely "charged" with a crime!

High profile self-important pinchbrains like political scientist Étienne Schweisguth and French education Minister Jack Lang, who get in a sweat when the U.S. executes some selfish sick shit child slaughtering mass murderer like Tim McVeigh - who had a full investigation, several trials, and was convicted by his peers prior to his execution - get all timid and coy when their good friends like the Chinese government runs around slaughtering citizens who are merely "suspect".

Étienne, said earlier this month that, "There is definitely a sense here, certainly among the elite, that we are ahead of the U.S. on this issue morally and intellectually." in reference to executions by the state. So Ét' must surely be looking down his haughty nose at his country's good friend, the Chinese government.

And French Ambassador, Jean-David Levitte, who with juvenile clique pride partnered with Chinese ambassadors in May to shut the U.S. out of the U.N. and considers the execution of murderous criminals in America "barbaric" has nothing to say to news folks about how he perceives his Chinese buddies on this issue. For the record, China has said nothing negative about U.S. policy toward the execution of its most heineous criminals.

Europe group: Stop death penalty
The leading human right's council of Europe, The Council Of Europe, threatened to revoke observer status of the United States and Japan from the 43-nation organization unless they stop all executions "without delay" and move to repeal the death penalty.

Why does the Council of Europe focus on Japan and the United States and not other countries with observer status like Iran, Saudi Arabia, and China - CHINA (!) which executed over 800 people, many without trial - in May alone?

Lord Russell-Johnston, President of the Council of Europe Parliamentary Assembly, had this to say (and the following is a real quote straight from http://www.coe.int)

"The answer is simple. The United States and Japan are prominent democracies. Iran is not. Unlike Saudi Arabia, the United States and Japan are very vocal on their commitment to human rights. They therefore have to accept to be held against higher standards of civilised behaviour."

So what does that mean exactly? Is he dismissing the behavior of the Chinese government and the hundreds of lives that are being lost each month to the death penalty? Russell doesn't consider the Chinese people civilised? Is he saying that the Chinese lack "higher standards"?

He goes on to say "This does not mean that we are not concerned, even appalled by the barbarian attitudes in other countries, but if we want to make a difference, we have to start with the United States and Japan."

So every time Lord Russell-Johnston passes the delegates from China in the hall he is thinking "Hmf! Appalling Barbarians!" ?

Maybe what "Lord" Johnston is really saying, in other words, is that the rules of the hypocritical C.O.E. are capricious in their execution.

Thanks for clearing that up ya dishonest two-faced dweeb! Your Mama should have taught you some "higher standards of civilised behaviour" ya punk!

Sperm whales moving into Gulf of Mexico
Will someone please tell me why they are called that? And do they have anything to do with those times when the waves are especially foamy?

Canada downplays breast cancer exam
Its just a written test. Nothing to get hung aboot. It won't even affect your final grade.

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JUNE 25 , 2001

From abcnews.com

Wal-Mart Lures Teenagers With Make-Up Line
National store chain wants teens and tweens to look like fine hot ho's! Look for their new teen and pre-teen lingerie line coming soon!

Wanted Peruvian Spymaster Arrives Home
Hi everybody! Sorry I'm late! Anything happen while I was gone?

American Tourists Warned About Terror Threats
Of course, any American tourist taking a holiday in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, or the Sudan is a fool the U.S. can do without.

Spielberg Credits Kubrick for 'A.I.'
Oh sure! Blame Kubrick when he's not alive to defend himself!

'People's' Sexiest Bachelors
Yet another year and I still didn't make the list! How long will this injustice go on?

Study Finds Pattern in Violent Crime Cases
The pattern seems to suggest that, in every case of violent crime, some manner of violence was perpetrated upon a victim, and rarely if ever on the attacker.

When Do Fetuses Have Rights?
When they get their Social Security Card, register with Selective Service, and register to vote, by gum! When they are willing to take a responsible and active role in their community, THEN they can have rights!

In the U.S.A. we have a hilarious state called South Carolina (everyone seems to forget about North Carolina though no one knows why) that is curiously concerned with how a fetus can be killed in the Mother's womb. If the woman takes illegal drugs during pregnancy, she can be tried for attempted murder - but if she smokes cigarettes and drinks herself blind every day - she can birth the dead fetus on the steps of the state capitol and they'll only make her clean up the mess.

McCain Slams Bush on Patients' Rights
McCain will use any excuse to "Slam Bush"!

Personally speaking, I really like any headline that says someone "Slams Bush". Its not that I have anything against George, its merely the visual of "Slamming Bush". Pardon me, I think I'm gonna go "Slam a little Bush"! IF you know what I mean...

Astrologers Predict Prime Minister's Survival
Although the Taiwan Prime Minister, if found guilty, would be banned from Poltics for 5 years, and not face the death penalty. So it was a pretty safe prediction.

Woman Swoops on Vulture
Yet another example of how British cuisine is beneath contempt.

Bank Robber Passes Out Money
Turkey may have its problems, but they have the nicest bank robbers in Istanbul!

Man on Way to Brothel Finds Wife Working
Prostitution is legal in Germany, and so is soliciting a prostitue (its illegal in the U.S.A. because police stations and the cities they serve can and do make big money by both permitting prostitution to exist and shaking down the "johns" who seek them). The Police were called in when the husband, who was in the brothel to have a prostitute, found that his wife was there working as one. They got into the obligatory argument and life imitated ancient vaudeville comedy.

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From cbsnews.com

CIA Can't Compete With Hackers
Hackers got game!

Meet Bush's Mr. Inside
This Saturday in our new series, INSIDE BUSH. You must be 18 to watch.

Pope Prays For Holocaust Victims
60 years too late, but hey! I'm sure it did a world of good!

Sharon To Meet With Bush
Hot actress begins voyage of self-discovery.

More Reported At Radiation Risk
For those who still blindly insist, against all history and logical reasoning, that recycling uranium is safe, still more history is being made as new government studies show that thousands more American workers than first expected were contaminated for 47 years by "tainted uranium". And don't give me that blithe "If/when handled properly" garbage. Because from 1952 to 1999, and despite all regulations, laws, and rules to the contrary, It Still Wasn't Being "Handled Properly"! Sheesh!

 

From msnbc.com

Zoo defends actions in lizard attack
Godzilla was just asking for it!

Diners make a slow comeback
After third trip to the buffet bar.

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JUNE 21 , 2001

From abcnews.com

States Consider Suing Microsoft
Attorney Generals Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut and Tom Miller of Iowa are being goaded into action by, get this, Netscape (of America OnLine, formerly AOL/Time Warner, now back to being just AOL). Why is AOL jerking Blumenthal and Miller's strings? Because they think Microsoft is trying to extend its "Market Dominance". Can't you just taste the irony? You can? Good! Will someone please give Miller and Blumenthal a freaking clue?

Mars Makes a Rare Pass by Earth
Whoa! That was close! Watch yer back there!

Whales With ‘Craziest Sound’
Dig it Daddy-O!

Diplomatic Foot-in-Mouth
Mel Lastman, the flamboyent and outspoken mayor of Toronto has a long public life full of embarrassing gaffes. Recently, on a trip to Africa to represent Toronto for the Olympic Games, he said "What the hell do I want to go to a place like Mombasa [Kenya]?

"Snakes just scare the hell out of me. I'm sort of scared about going there, but the wife is really nervous. I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me."

Though Mel is a source of extreme embarrassment to Canadians in general and the citizens of Toronto in particular, they wouldn't have it any other way. Mel has been making a fool of himself in elected public office for 31 years now and the hometown folks just love him.

I'm glad such places still exist in this world and that there is a place for all the Mel Lastmans on this planet.

We could do a lot worse for our politicians and often have.

Too Insane To Be Insane
Why thats crazy talk!

USDA Seeks Gay Ombudsman
USDA Spokesman says that the Ombudsman will write PR for the USDA and "Gays have such a wonderful way with words!"

Those who wish to apply for the job should understand that you will be tested.

"There is a casting couch of course!" said the USDA Spokesman. "We don't want to be fooled by effeminate heterosexuals." Then he shyly admitted. "My job gets kind of lonely."

Presbyterians Leave Length of Creation Open
Ours is a well-hung God.

Church Allows Varying Interpretations of Creation, Opposes Women Preaching
Says one Presbytarian Minister, "Unlike us, women think they have ALL the answers! We men, on the other hand, admit we don't know what in the hell we are talking about."

Tiny Viruses Point Way Toward New Antibiotic Drugs
Here! Here! Its over here! The drug is over here! Christ! We've been trying to tell you all for years!

Clothes Make the Marine (Almost) Invisible
Actually its the clothes that are invisible. The Marines only appear naked to folks that are either morons or ill-fit for their job.

Man Arrested for Assaulting Cookie Monster
Cookie was there for a Mall appearance. Then the aroma coming from a Mrs. C's sparked what is being called a "blue" disaster.

High Emotion in Columbine Over Marilyn Manson Gig
Oh that's right! It wasn't the "popular" kids that tortured the crazed assassins EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY! It wasn't the irresponsible parents of the assassins who took no interest in the fact that their sons were BUILDING BOMBS IN THEIR FREAKING HOUSE! It wasn't the irresponsible school administration or the irresponsible local law enforcement who turned a BLIND EYE TO THE WHOLE FREAKING THING! NO! It was that damn Marilyn Manson who caused the Columbine Massacre!

And KMFDM!

And video games!

And violence in movies!

Funny how, violent video games, Marilyn Manson, and violent movies aren't affecting the rest of the world. You would think that we'd be having Columbine Massacres all over the country if there were any truth to such logic.

 

JUNE 18 , 2001

From nytimes.com

Canadians Lean Toward Easing Marijuana Laws
They used to be able to stand up straight. Now leaning without falling over is the best they can do.

Bush's Warmth Toward Russian Leader Stirs Skeptics
My, but you've got a pretty mouth, boy

 

From abcnews.com

Violent Crime Falls 15 Percent
More repercussions from the crash of the dot-coms.

Super-Sized Churches on the Rise
They move outside of small towns and squeeze out the smaller Mom & Pop churches with their lower prices and Bibles made in China!

Scientists Find No Coffee Link to Colon Cancer
And frankly, they are sick of looking!

Crack in Israeli Coalition, But Cease-fire Holds
Okay, we got the crack, but lets not fire it up just yet!

DNA Frees Retarded Prisoner
A Mentally retarded man in Florida is freed, despite confessing to numerous crimes, after DNA tests proved his innocence. If the guy lived in Texas though, he would have been executed while the actual criminals continued to do things . . . well, criminal!

Mentally Retarded Will Not Get Second Glance in Texas
Texas Governor Rick Perry vetoed the bill that would ban the execution of mentally retarded criminals. Said Rick, "If we didn't execute the retards, we'd have no executions at all!"

A Casket for Rent
You think the Scots are cheap? Hoot Mon! They got NOTHING on the Irish! Check it out Here!

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JUNE 13 , 2001

From cbsnews.com

Not A Pretty Picture At Polaroid
After years of being brought up short in a market leaping toward digital photos and away from film, the dismally bone headed "bored of executors" at Polaroid decided to lay off 2000 workers before they all implemented their bonuses and pay raises.

Library Drops Harry Potter Series
Of course this happened in Kansas. Devout nincompoops, fearing that their God and bible were no match for a children's book, had a Library reading of Harry Potter books cancelled amidst much breast beating, jabbering of tongues, and mugging for the camera.

The Library was asking for it though. It advertised in local newspaper, The Oskaloosa Independent, their reading program as "Muggle Studies" for, no kidding: "aspiring young witches and wizards."

You don't talk that way in Kansas, by cracky!

Across the pond in England, Potter author J. K. Rowlings, fed up with all the superstitious talk of evil in her books, conjured up a 5th level demon (-50 armor class no less!). It personally assured both parents and children gathered in the library, that there was absolutely nothing evil in the Harry Potter books. With great sighs of relief, the parents gladly handed over test tubes of their children's blood to the demon, which is what they get paid for speaking engagements.

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JUNE 12 , 2001

From nytimes.com

Mideast Security Talks Break Off After 4 Hours
Yeah, yeah, yeah . . . yadda, yadda, yadda.

Sleeker by 14 Pounds, Sharpton Fights On
They'll never call him "fathead" again.

Well, actually, they will.

Hearse Decoy Used for McVeigh
Timothy McVeigh was carried to his final resting place in the back of an Ice Cream truck.

Military Report Urges Joint Control
Christ but you're worse than Bill Clinton! Here, give me that joint before you drop it!

The Reaction Abroad: Almost as One, Europe Condemns McVeigh Execution
To the surprise of absolutely no one, nearly all of our European allies condemned the execution of mass murderer Timothy McVeigh. This from an area helplessly in the grip of International terrorists and organized crime since passing their "No Execution" laws (These laws are only obeyed by the governments. The criminals there have never had such a spree.)

The insufferably boorish Étienne Schweisguth, a political scientist at the Institute for Political Studies in Paris, France said, "There is definitely a sense here, certainly among the elite, that we are ahead of the U.S. on this issue morally and intellectually."* (*No joke, this is an actual quote from this haughty boob!).

Criticizing American executions, or just Americans period, is good politics in France. Jack Lang, the French education minister, took a trip to Texas last year to visit a prisoner on death row for his own self aggrandizement, publicly deplore the process (heavily covered back in France), raise money for himself, and gets lots of congratulatory suck-up from his sniveling peers.

In Italy, Adriano Celentano dedicated an episode of his popular prime-time TV show to the death penalty, but cut the debate portion when he could not find anyone to defend it. This from a country where kidnapped children from Albania are forced under pain of death to prostitute themselves on the streets?

Ah well, if these are the folks who call me a barbaric American, I can live with that. You'll notice that precious few brave terrorists dare to screw around in this country. I wonder why?

President Says the Retarded Should Never Be Executed
Which is the exact opposite of his position as governor of Texas and President of the U.S. right up until he made this statement yesterday. Funny how he can flip flop so easily on the subject of human life.

42 Arrested During Fracas in the Bronx After Parade
Have they ever had a parade in the Bronx where nobody got arrested?

Microsoft Is Ready to Supply a Phone in Every Computer
Even though Microsoft has never actually made computers . . .

Nokia Issues a Surprise Profit Warning
Surprise! We are going to make a profit! I'm warning you!

C.I.A. Chief Sees Arafat Before Leaving Mideast
No one is sure what the C.I.A. chief went to see Arafat about, but when he left he was smiling and Arafat stood at the door wearing a pink satin kimono.

 

JUNE 11 , 2001

From cbsnews.com

Lizard Attack Hospitalizes Editor
On a trip to the Los Angeles zoo, actress Sharon Stone's husband, Phil Bronstein, had his big toe bitten by a 5 foot long giant Komodo dragon. Phil, is the Big Toe of the San Francisco Chronicle. Phil's wife, Sharon Stone arranged the trip to the zoo. The disappointed dragon, whose name also happens to be Phil, said he was hoping for a bigger part.

"I felt that this would help me get my foot in the door," claimed the dragon. "I've been trying to get a leg up in the film industry for some time now."

Unfortunately, such strong arm tactics may well have put the dragon's acting career out on a limb. Phil the dragon has been fingered for removal from the park's petting zoo.

Jeb Bush Will Run Again
Just in case big brother George needs a state to obfuscate the election results when he tries to buy a second term.

Venture Capitalists' Dot-Com Anxiety
I'll try not to worry over the anxiety of a Dot-Com Venture Capitalist. Any who are considering this site and how you would like to buy control into it, please move along. Go find a nice "catfood.com" to invest in and wrest boardroom politics on. When I want to be impressed by the savvy business acumen of a "dot-com venture capitalist", I'll just take another look at the blighted Internet landscape of dot-com portfolios blowing through the web.

Macedonia Dares Rebels, Then Stops
Er . . . I forget, just why were we doing this?

 

JUNE 8 , 2001

From ananova.com

Gay Couples in NZ Could be Given Same Rights as Married Couples
And if that happened . . . what? God would destroy the world in a snit?

Padded, Breast-Enhancing Bra Saves Woman From Serious Injury

'Government memo' Urges Women to Show Their Cleavage
Our only concern is your safety.

Jenna Bush President's Daughter Denies Fake ID Charge
"Hey, but you are over 18 right? Here, let ME buy the next round! I run a very cool website, you know?" ;-)

Cheesemakers Take Legal Action Over Parmesan Copiers
Copier company has patiently tried, many times over, to explain that its just a brand name - it can't actually make copies of cheese.

Pupils Removed From White House After Praying for Bush
See if they ever do THAT again!

 

From nytimes.com

U.S. Got Bones From Australia for A-Testing
We wanted meat, but all we got was bones. The damn Aussies on the other hand, made out like bandits on the trade, getting blue glass beads, paste diamonds, and novelty clothes that read, "I Traded My Country's Corpses to the U.S. And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!"

Irish Reject Nice Treaty in Blow to EU Expansion
Tsk. And it was such a nice treaty too - with lovely little crinkly bits.

In a Shift, White House Cites Global Warming as a Problem
The shift comes because, prior to new scientific evidence, Bush Jr. had no idea that global warming could actually affect him.

 

From cbsnews.com

Bush Twins Enter Booze Pleas
"More booze, please."

From abcnews.com

Norwegian Pub Hires 91-year-old Woman as Bouncer
Which makes sense because, really, I don't care how much of a bad ass you think you are, you'd really lose respect picking a fight with someone's great-grandmother.

Youthful Arrest May Haunt Max Kennedy's Congress Bid
Max Kennedy and his cousin Michael Skakel were arrested in 1983 for assaulting a police office. Not just a policeman, but the whole police office! Only someone so arrogantly smug with their family's money and connections would think they could get away with this. Actually, Kennedy did!

Skakel, you'll remember, is charged with the murder of his 15 year old next door neighbor, Martha Moxely in 1975. Max Kennedy attributes his arrest to mere youth and irresponsibility.

Ugh! This from the bastions of American liberal politics. Double ugh! Anyone want to tell me again, how evil the conservatives are?

Taking the Wind Out of Sheep
Those sheep have been gettin' mighty uppity.

World Learns of Atomic 'Baby Snatchers'
Are they strong? Listen bud; they've got radioactive blood!

Actually, this is another super creepy true story of our super creepy American era of the 1950s. Read the actual story Here. No wonder there were riots in the 1960s!

 

JUNE 4 , 2001

From abcnews.com

McCain: No Plans to Leave GOP
Leave now? At the moment of our triumph?

Pam Anderson, Poison Frontman Settle Suit
Pam Anderson - world famous for having taped herself having sex with Rock Star Tommy Lee (of MOTLEY CRUE), then having said amatuer tape "stolen" and put on the Internet; thus rejuvenating her career on Baywatch - became famous again when the exact same circumstances, with far better production values, occured again with Brett Michaels, thus rejuvenating her career on VIP.

Brett, whose 80's hairband POISON could certainly use the boost to their own popularity, joined in the suit against IEG, the Internet company which mysteriously got ahold of both videos. After having made a small fortune on the vids, all parties got together in court, kissed and made up.

Both Pam and Brett got their court ordered, 7 figure take of the profits and all involved have reportedly went home happy.

And remember gang, none of the "victims" of this "tragedy" had any idea this would all happen!

On an unrelated note: the members of the 80's hairband WHITE LION could sure use a boost to their career, Pam. Just a thought.

Sony: Phony Reviewer Gave Us Glowing Blurbs
Yeah, phony reviewers will do that. Under fire from a Newsweek expose, Sony Pictures admits it invented a fictional person named "David Manning" to give their crappy movies THE HOLLOW MAN, VERTICAL LIMIT, THE ANIMAL, and A KNIGHT'S TALE glowing reviews. So far Sony is owning up to their "incredibly bad judgement". By that they mean inventing a fake reviewer, not the giving of the green light to the movies listed above.

Whatever happened to the honest way of getting a good review for a movie? By paying off a real reviewer?

Royal Scrooge
Still more foolishness from Prince Phillip the Fop.

 

From msnbc.com

Britons Aren’t So Tech-savvy
So neener-neener, poo-poo!

Clashes Threaten Mideast Cease-fire
The unexpected happens for the millionth time.

Bush Tours Everglades to Criticism
The tour of the Everglades is going much nicer than his tour of Criticism.

 

JUNE 1 , 2001

From abcnews.com

Taliban Hardens With Rage
But Afghan women just aren't impressed.

L.A. Cop Under Fire for Posing in 'Playboy'
What's the problem here? Let's face it: What criminal wouldn't jump at the chance to be spread, searched and handcuffed by a Playboy Playmate? You know, you could even charge for that!

German Company Seeks Buyer for Muppets
Attempts at incorporating that famous Germanic humor into witty Muppet patter have failed.

Averages Aren't All They Seem
But only on the average are averages not all they . . . oh screw it.

Bush Daughters Face Charges
During the annual "Run Of The Bulls" In Barcelona.

Class President Sacked For Prom Condom Giveaway
Lissette Stanley, was the senior class president of Blake High School in Tampa. Then the school admin discovered that she included condoms in the prom favor bags. This blatant display of honesty was not tolerated by the school administrators, many of whom had sex on the night of their own High School Proms, and they kicked her off the school.

The teachers confiscated the condoms - for their own party later - and told the students "If you are going to have sex tonight then you'll do it without THESE!"

Fearful that modern songs might be influencing the High School Seniors to engage in sex, the teachers present then stopped the music and replaced it with the more moral songs from their own era, including such tunes as "Help me Make It Through The Night", "If It Feels Good Do It", "Love The One You're With", "If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right", "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", "Mrs. Jones", "Why Don't We Do It In The Road", "Love To Love You Baby", "Bad Girls", and "My Ding-A-Ling"

We can only assume, in the light of their dismay and outrage, that the school officials had unprotected sex on the night of their own High School Prom.

Scientists Find Record-Sized Dinosaur
Which is rumored to be the missing link, and predecessor to, the CD-sized dinosaur.

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