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For
this day of Monday, May 1, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1
The
Following Headlines were from infobeat.com
Ky.
Attacks Problem Trash
Not all the trash in Kentucky
is a problem, but apparently, some of it is.
Uranium
Plant Records Said Erased
Gee!
Yet more skullduggery concerning Nuclear Power Plants! Will wonders never
cease?
Gay
Activists Meet On National Mall
For
the shopping event of the year!
Microsoft
Vows To Fight Gov't Plan
Using the same means that
got them into trouble in the first place.
Orthodox
Christians Celebrate Easter
Gee! Christians celebrate
Easter? Will Wonders never stop it?
Israeli-Palestinian
Talks Resume
Again, and again, and <Yawn!>
again . . .
Elian's
Dad Seeks Americans' Help
Can
I get a little love here, you Capitalist Swine?
No
Smoke, Dementia Prevention Link
So
if you're crazy about smoking, don't blame R.J. Reynolds, yer just nuts!
Some
Drug Prices Top Inflation Rate
Gee! Just now figuring this out
are we? Will wonders never just knock the shit off?
Report:
Agents Didn't Fire At Waco
And
it only took the FBI nearly 7 years to invent evidence that looked convincing
enough to support their "truth".
Update:
Chinese Police Arrest Falun Gong
Ummm . . . can someone tell me
just why we continue to support the economy of this Communist Threat?
Elian's
New Home Peaceful, Secluded
And
no longer supports the power,
influence, and money making schemes of his weird uncle.
U.S.
OKs Visit By Elian's Playmates
But only after you've finished
your homework, and they must be back in Cuba before your bedtime.
Taxpayers'
Electronic Filing Rises
Yet its two weeks later and I
still haven't got my return!
Case
Urges Social Responsibility
AOL's Steve Case urged business
leader's to build "a medium we could be proud of."
He
actually said this!
Steve
Case of all people!
AOL!
Sometimes,
reality is
just too funny.
Scientists
Celebrate Fossil Find
They'll use any excuse for a drunken
toga party at London's Natural History Museum.
Mattel
Boss Gets $40 mln Severance
We should all lose our jobs
like this!
Shooting
Spree Suspect Allegedly Had Mental Illness History
But he was a working lawyer,
still allowed to practice (and thus influence) our laws. Really says something,
doesn't it?
Smell,
Taste Could Be Web Features
As usual, the "Adult
Sites" will be the first to test this technology.
Govt: Overweight Need More
Exercise
These
and other fast breaking, up to the minute stories courtesy of the U.S.
Government; and they wonder why we're willing to risk trust on the private sector over them.
Activity
May Keep Diabetics Alive
And inertia may keep
them immobile.
Study: Salton Sea Health
Not Do Bad
It
do good! It do good sea health!
Reeve Pushes Stem-cell Research
"Hey, screw
the unborn! Gimmie some love here!"
Microsoft
Denounces Government Plan
To the surprise of
many who thought that Microsoft would actually welcome the break-up.
Gates:
Microsoft Must Remain Intact
Under pain of death!
EPA
Refuses To Regulate Coal Waste
"It's not part of our liberal
agenda" says smirking spokesperson.
Clinton
Seeks Wider Internet Access
But
his AOL provider can only do so little.
EPA
Won't Call Coal Waste A Hazard
Preferring, instead, to call it
a dessert topping.
Japan
Gov. Defies Environmentalists
We need whale oil in our hi-tech
society!
Official:
China-Taiwan War Unlikely
Finger wagging bluster nut and
Premier of China, Zhu, impresses nobody.
Demand
For Workers Still Strong.
Economy Grows At 5.4% Rate.
Wages Increase With Strong Economy.
But
the Republican party has a better idea!
Pentagon:
Chinese Approach U.S. Jets
With religious awe and tributes.
REAL
HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2
The
Following Headlines were from abcnews.com
Doctors Support
Drug Testing On Kids
Kids are not allowed
to test mind altering, behavior controlling drugs on themselves, but only
when forced to against their will by adults.
Also see real headline:
Doctors
Sending Kids Into Antibiotic Overload
Vioxx
Scrutinized
As the planet seeks out
all treacherous sympathizers to the forces of Zorak!
Before Columbus, Vikings Came To America
Gee! Really? Maybe that's why,
back in the 1970s, NASA decided to call their spaceship the VIKING LANDER!
Next
News Flash:
George Washington was first U.S. President.
Low Demand
For Genetically Modified Spuds
It's because of the eyes
on the new potatoes; now they blink.
Thousands Expected
To Participate In Gay March.
Cuban Exiles Gather For Protest
I . . . Love A Parade!
Authenticity of
Chamberlain Ball Questioned
It looks too small and
its the wrong skin color.
Also, where is the other one?
Promising French Gene Therapy
Results
With the new French Gene,
we can now all be French!
Senate Postpones
Elian Hearings
As the back pedal race begins!
Bush-McCain Summit
Still On
Bush still needs to shore
up his credibility on substantive issues - McCain may lose his.
20/20: Beer Can Help To
Prevent Heart Disease
And boy! Have I ever
been working to prevent heart disease!
Clones Seem Younger Than
Real Age
That's because they exercise,
eat right, and take One-A-Day.
Yellowstone Grizzlies
Show Signs Of Inbreeding
And they want creationism taught
in their schools.
Nolan Ryan Discharged
Known for having an incredible
amount of energy and personal magnetism, Nolan was able to discharge some
of that electricity today. The resulting surge powered Houston's
new ball field for 3 hours.
REAL
HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 3
The Following Headlines were from ananova.com
Pope
To Headline Rome Rock Concert
Featuring his new Death
Metal band, THE FOURTH INQUISITION.
Dobson
Vows To Keep Battling Away
In his Labour party's
bid for Mayor of London. This is the election strategy of Frank Dobson.
Keep reading, this gets good!
I'll
Right London's Wrongs, Says Labour Candidate Dobson
This guy sounds really
committed, right?
Dobson
Warns Against A 'Fun' Mayor Vote
The election is no laughing
matter to this guy, obviously!
New
Setback For Dobson In Mayor Poll
Yow! A defeat! But surely
this man is unstoppable!
Frank
Fishes For Support In Mayor Race
Ha! He fights back! He
is a force to be reckoned with!
Dobson's
Aides Say He Was Forced To Stand As Mayor
Suddenly, in the face
of his growing unpopularity, Frank Dobson says he is going to write a
"Tell All" book of how he was forced to run for Mayor?
WHAT?
Are you freaking kidding me? How pathetic can you be?
"I
didn't want it anyway!"
"They
made me do it!"
And
all of this came about in less than one week! What a freaking LOON!
Minister Mistaken
For Heart-throb
was removed during a
three hour surgery from an Ulster man's chest today and placed in containment.
It was only much later that the heart throb was revealed to be a software
glitch. The minister has been put back into the man's chest and both are
in guarded, but stable, condition.
Bid To Extend Gun Laws For
U.S. Judges
U.S. Judges are actually
petitioning for the right to carry concealed weapons into the court room
- for just themselves. So think twice before you make the Judge call for
order in the court.
Bidding War For
Welsh Water Giant
"I'm not too picky about
who wins me," says giant. "The money's going to a good charity."
Woman Wins Dowry
Battle
Primitive problems in
a modern world.
Mobile Phones 'Can Damage
Your Sex Life'
And their shape makes
them difficult to remove. So let's keep them out of those bits where they
were never intended eh? There's a good chap!
New Study Clears Mobile
Phones Of Health Risk
Well fine then! Do what
you want you maloderous, toffee nosed, PERVERTS!
Woman, 80, Fights
Back Against Burglar
She too will be dealt
with, by the courts, as harshly as Norfolk farmer Tony Martin.
Cat
Killed As Puppy Starts Fire
Canine world tensely anticipates
feline backlash
Boy Sues School
And City Over Affair With Teacher
I had my fun,
now gimmie some money!
Franchise Rejig Derails Takeover Talks
Just say that three times fast!
I dare you!
Orangemen
Threaten New Drumcree Flare-up
The citizenry is held
at bay by those super villians, The Orange Men! This looks like a job
for CRYPTO-MAN!
For
this day of Wednesday, June 28, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1
The
Following Headlines were from infobeat.com
From infobeat.com
White House e-mail
Furor Rages
Congress wants to protect our youth from potential sexual content that
might possibly be found in the personal e-mails of the President. So far,
the plan is to self-rightously smear any and all
negative content through the various media outlets, then blame the "liberal"
media for presenting it as news in the first place.
New
Cancer Treatment May Pose Danger
The "Blast-The-Cancer-To-Smithereens"
cure is raising eyebrows in the medical community.
Prisoners
In India Scream For Water
But its a "dry" scream.
Dad Lands Plane
After Pilot Collapses
While Mom serves in flight snacks to the passengers.
Cervical
Cancer, Oral Cancer Linked
And you don't wanna know why . . .
Serious
Crime Decline Continues
Despite best efforts.
Armed
Occupation At Vodka Plant
Goes awry after demands for orange juice were
not met in the agreed upon time. A drunken brawl erupted among the terrorists
who now blame the whole thing as a terrible mistake started by some hookers
from a brewery up the street.
Depressed
Men Face Heart Risks
And news like this isn't going to raise their
spirits!
Feds
To Send Grizzly Back To Wild
"He just wasn't dong the department any good, hanging around the
offices here," said Federal IRS spokeswoman. "He'd eat all the
jelly filled donuts, wouldn't clean up after himself, and would maul anyone
who complained. Naturally, because he was a government employee we couldn't
just fire him. Thus his transfer to South Texas."
Gates
Still World's Richest Person
For those of you who may have been concerned.
U.S.
Seeks Terror Advice From Cuba
So Fidel, what are the best ways to terrorize our citizens?
New
Chip Mimics Human Brain
And worries about what other chips think of it.
Deadly
Fruit Bat Virus Found
Scientists hope to stem the plague of this virus that turns ordinary
people into giant fruit bats.
Americans
Rule The Web - For Now
MWUH HA HA HA! Kneel before our I.P. Superiority!
Boeing
To Eliminate 900 Jobs
900 employees go "Boeing!"
Volunteers
Fight To Save Penguins
In their struggle against a dominant desktop O/S
Serious
Crime Decline Continues
Meanwhile Zany Crime is at an all time high!
Archaeologists
Discover Lost Cities
Buried under New York City landfills.
Landfill
Becomes Golf Course
Lost Cities will be used as traps.
Outerspace
Sailing Ship Unveiled
At last! The Lost Dutchman has been found!
Companies
Can Dictate Time Off
No longer will employees be allowed to set their own hours and pay for
same.
Man
May Lose Transplanted Hand
On the all new FOX game show that pits prize money against the contestant's
body parts!
Microsoft
Seeks Government Files
"Maybe we'll just go and break YOU up!" says a haughty
Ballmer.
Cracks Discovered
In Ocean Floor
Damn it! And I just mopped that floor!
NASA
Changes Mars Exploration Plans
"Maybe we'll just look at it from here," says spokesman for boneheaded
program.
Weather
May Be Threat To Song Birds
What those birds need is an Itchy, Scratchy, Sore Craw, Stuffy Beak,
Fever so they can Nest Medicine!
Microsoft
Defends Its Appeal
"We find our largest appeal among computer dimwits who wouldn't
have a career if they weren't spoonfed our buggy daycare programming on
a regular basis." admitted MS spokesman. "Where would we be
without our frightened cadre of lock-step conformists?"
HIV
Diagnosis Changes Sex Behavior
You don't know the half of it! A DEATH diagnosis changes all kinds
of behavior!
Records
Detail JFK Jr. Kidnap Plots
And if any of those plots had been successful, two innocent people
might still be alive!
EPA:
Wholesale Gas Prices Drop
And retail gas prices continue to rise, totally mystifying the government
and Media alike!
Hey
I have an idea! We have a kid from an Oil Baron family running against
a popular incumbent party that is propped up by a healthy economy! So
why not ask Dubbya to ask his Big Oil backers why they are raising fuel prices
in an election year when one of their own is running for president? I
bet THEY could tell us!
Protesters
Threaten More Roadblocks
Roadblocks, being made of reinforced concrete and lacking the capacity
for feeling fear or intimidation, remain unaffected.
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