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So shifty it needs its own separate article: Read the story behind the curious and unsupported "facts" as presented by the anti-drug U.S. government site, Media Campaign
Feo let's them hang by their own non-hemp rope in
TEEN POT USE

NEWS ARCHIVE
MAY 1 , 2000


CULLED FROM THE BOWELS OF:
News Resources

ABCNEWS.COM

ANANOVA.COM

BBCNEWS

CBSNEWS.COM

CNN

FOXNEWS.COM

INFOBEAT.COM

myway.com

MSNBC.COM

NEW YORK TIMES

REUTERS

 

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THE HARDCORE
REAL SITES OF REAL EXTREMISTS AND THEIR REASONS

Home site of the #1 False Prophet of the world, Hal Lindsey! He's had so many of his prophecies crap out that now he only prophecizes about things that will happen long after he's dead and doesn't have to humiliate himself anymore. and he STILL has his followers!
HALLINDSEY ORACLE.COM

Neal Horsely is neither racist or sexist, but he is a Christian man who feels that he is witnessing a great evil: Human Abortion.
This is the site that provides a HIT LIST for would be murderers of Abortion Clinic Doctors. Think this site is totally evil? You may be right. But now you have the opportunity to form your own opinion instead of just having it spoon-fed to you.

CHRISTIAN GALLERY.COM

Michael Jackson used to look black, but thanks to numerous surgeries, he's white (and possibly female). David Duke (now living in France) used to look Jewish, but thanks to numerous surgeries, HE's white! Read what new tricks this former KKK Wizard, (and still pal of former klansman, Sen. Robert Byrd [D]), with his poofy little doggie, is up to. The way he gushes over us white folk is enough to make me blush!
DAVID DUKE

Another prissy and effeminate hate monger - only he don't like my kind! In the interest of equal time I did my damndest to find a site by Louie, but no cigar. Here is the only thing I could find. Louie in his own words.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN

He made a movie about his trials and tribulations in promoting his book, DOWNSIZE THIS. The film, THE BIG ONE, was hailed by critics, but since it trashed liberal businesses (like Nike) and the Clinton administration, it was crushed by the distributor, Miramax, which only released it to 33 theaters (according to the imdb.com). Since then, to insure good distribution, Michael's curtailed both his freedom of speech and thought, making only movies frothing with liberalism and fanatically bashing everything else! Check out Michael Moore in his own words, but better save those webpages. He tends to erase his contradictions often.
MICHAEL MOORE

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For this day of Monday, May 1, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

 

Ky. Attacks Problem Trash
Not all the trash in Kentucky is a problem, but apparently, some of it is.

Uranium Plant Records Said Erased
Gee! Yet more skullduggery concerning Nuclear Power Plants! Will wonders never cease?

Gay Activists Meet On National Mall
For the shopping event of the year!

Microsoft Vows To Fight Gov't Plan
Using the same means that got them into trouble in the first place.

Orthodox Christians Celebrate Easter
Gee! Christians celebrate Easter? Will Wonders never stop it?

Israeli-Palestinian Talks Resume
Again, and again, and <Yawn!> again . . .

Elian's Dad Seeks Americans' Help
Can I get a little love here, you Capitalist Swine?

No Smoke, Dementia Prevention Link
So if you're crazy about smoking, don't blame R.J. Reynolds, yer just nuts!

Some Drug Prices Top Inflation Rate
Gee! Just now figuring this out are we? Will wonders never just knock the shit off?

Report: Agents Didn't Fire At Waco
And it only took the FBI nearly 7 years to invent evidence that looked convincing enough to support their "truth".

Update: Chinese Police Arrest Falun Gong
Ummm . . . can someone tell me just why we continue to support the economy of this Communist Threat?

Elian's New Home Peaceful, Secluded
And no longer supports the power, influence, and money making schemes of his weird uncle.

U.S. OKs Visit By Elian's Playmates
But only after you've finished your homework, and they must be back in Cuba before your bedtime.

Taxpayers' Electronic Filing Rises
Yet its two weeks later and I still haven't got my return!

Case Urges Social Responsibility
AOL's Steve Case urged business leader's to build "a medium we could be proud of."

He actually said this!

Steve Case of all people!

AOL!

Sometimes, reality is just too funny.

Scientists Celebrate Fossil Find
They'll use any excuse for a drunken toga party at London's Natural History Museum.

Mattel Boss Gets $40 mln Severance
We should all lose our jobs like this!

Shooting Spree Suspect Allegedly Had Mental Illness History
But he was a working lawyer, still allowed to practice (
and thus influence) our laws. Really says something, doesn't it?

Smell, Taste Could Be Web Features
As usual, the "Adult Sites" will be the first to test this technology.

Govt: Overweight Need More Exercise
These and other fast breaking, up to the minute stories courtesy of the U.S. Government; and they wonder why we're willing to risk trust on the private sector over them.

Activity May Keep Diabetics Alive
And inertia may keep them immobile.

Study: Salton Sea Health Not Do Bad
It do good! It do good sea health!

Reeve Pushes Stem-cell Research
"Hey, screw the unborn! Gimmie some love here!"

Microsoft Denounces Government Plan
To the surprise of many who thought that Microsoft would actually welcome the break-up.

Gates: Microsoft Must Remain Intact
Under pain of death!

EPA Refuses To Regulate Coal Waste
"It's not part of our liberal agenda" says smirking spokesperson.

Clinton Seeks Wider Internet Access
But his AOL provider can only do so little.

EPA Won't Call Coal Waste A Hazard
Preferring, instead, to call it a dessert topping.

Japan Gov. Defies Environmentalists
We need whale oil in our hi-tech society!

Official: China-Taiwan War Unlikely
Finger wagging bluster nut and Premier of China, Zhu, impresses nobody
.

Demand For Workers Still Strong.
Economy Grows At 5.4% Rate.
Wages Increase With Strong Economy.
But the Republican party has a better idea!

Pentagon: Chinese Approach U.S. Jets
With religious awe and tributes.


REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

 

Doctors Support Drug Testing On Kids
Kids are not allowed to test mind altering, behavior controlling drugs on themselves, but only when forced to against their will by adults.
Also see real headline:
Doctors Sending Kids Into Antibiotic Overload

Vioxx Scrutinized
As the planet seeks out all treacherous sympathizers to the forces of Zorak!

Before Columbus, Vikings Came To America
Gee! Really? Maybe that's why, back in the 1970s, NASA decided to call their spaceship the VIKING LANDER!

Next News Flash:
George Washington was first U.S. President.


Low Demand For Genetically Modified Spuds
It's because of the eyes on the new potatoes; now they blink.

Thousands Expected To Participate In Gay March.
Cuban Exiles Gather For Protest

I . . . Love A Parade!

Authenticity of Chamberlain Ball Questioned
It looks too small and its the wrong skin color.
Also, where is the other one?

Promising French Gene Therapy Results
With the new French Gene, we can now all be French!

Senate Postpones Elian Hearings
As the back pedal race begins!

Bush-McCain Summit Still On
Bush still needs to shore up his credibility on substantive issues - McCain may lose his.

20/20: Beer Can Help To Prevent Heart Disease
And boy! Have I ever been working to prevent heart disease!

Clones Seem Younger Than Real Age
That's because they exercise, eat right, and take One-A-Day.

Yellowstone Grizzlies Show Signs Of Inbreeding
And they want creationism taught in their schools.

Nolan Ryan Discharged
Known for having an incredible amount of energy and personal magnetism, Nolan was able to discharge some of that electricity today. The resulting surge powered Houston's new ball field for 3 hours.

 

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 3
The Following Headlines were from ananova.com

Pope To Headline Rome Rock Concert
Featuring his new Death Metal band, THE FOURTH INQUISITION.

Dobson Vows To Keep Battling Away
In his Labour party's bid for Mayor of London. This is the election strategy of Frank Dobson. Keep reading, this gets good!

I'll Right London's Wrongs, Says Labour Candidate Dobson
This guy sounds really committed, right?

Dobson Warns Against A 'Fun' Mayor Vote
The election is no laughing matter to this guy, obviously!

New Setback For Dobson In Mayor Poll
Yow! A defeat! But surely this man is unstoppable!

Frank Fishes For Support In Mayor Race
Ha! He fights back! He is a force to be reckoned with!

Dobson's Aides Say He Was Forced To Stand As Mayor
Suddenly, in the face of his growing unpopularity, Frank Dobson says he is going to write a "Tell All" book of how he was forced to run for Mayor?

WHAT? Are you freaking kidding me? How pathetic can you be?

"I didn't want it anyway!"

"They made me do it!"

And all of this came about in less than one week! What a freaking LOON!

Minister Mistaken For Heart-throb
was removed during a three hour surgery from an Ulster man's chest today and placed in containment. It was only much later that the heart throb was revealed to be a software glitch. The minister has been put back into the man's chest and both are in guarded, but stable, condition.

Bid To Extend Gun Laws For U.S. Judges
U.S. Judges are actually petitioning for the right to carry concealed weapons into the court room - for just themselves. So think twice before you make the Judge call for order in the court.

Bidding War For Welsh Water Giant
"I'm not too picky about who wins me," says giant. "The money's going to a good charity."

Woman Wins Dowry Battle
Primitive problems in a modern world.

Mobile Phones 'Can Damage Your Sex Life'
And their shape makes them difficult to remove. So let's keep them out of those bits where they were never intended eh? There's a good chap!

New Study Clears Mobile Phones Of Health Risk
Well fine then! Do what you want you maloderous, toffee nosed, PERVERTS!

Woman, 80, Fights Back Against Burglar
She too will be dealt with, by the courts, as harshly as Norfolk farmer Tony Martin.

Cat Killed As Puppy Starts Fire
Canine world tensely anticipates feline backlash

Boy Sues School And City Over Affair With Teacher
I had my fun, now gimmie some money!

Franchise Rejig Derails Takeover Talks
Just say that three times fast! I dare you!

Orangemen Threaten New Drumcree Flare-up
The citizenry is held at bay by those super villians, The Orange Men! This looks like a job for CRYPTO-MAN!

NEWS ARCHIVE
JUNE, 2000

For this day of Wednesday, June 28, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

From infobeat.com

White House e-mail Furor Rages
Congress wants to protect our youth from potential sexual content that might possibly be found in the personal e-mails of the President. So far, the plan is to self-rightously smear any and all negative content through the various media outlets, then blame the "liberal" media for presenting it as news in the first place.

New Cancer Treatment May Pose Danger
T
he "Blast-The-Cancer-To-Smithereens" cure is raising eyebrows in the medical community.

Prisoners In India Scream For Water
But its a "dry" scream.

Dad Lands Plane After Pilot Collapses
While Mom serves in flight snacks to the passengers.

Cervical Cancer, Oral Cancer Linked
And you don't wanna know why . . .

Serious Crime Decline Continues
Despite best efforts.

Armed Occupation At Vodka Plant
Goes awry after demands for orange juice were not met in the agreed upon time. A drunken brawl erupted among the terrorists who now blame the whole thing as a terrible mistake started by some hookers from a brewery up the street.

Depressed Men Face Heart Risks
And news like this isn't going to raise their spirits!

Feds To Send Grizzly Back To Wild
"He just wasn't dong the department any good, hanging around the offices here," said Federal IRS spokeswoman. "He'd eat all the jelly filled donuts, wouldn't clean up after himself, and would maul anyone who complained. Naturally, because he was a government employee we couldn't just fire him. Thus his transfer to South Texas."

Gates Still World's Richest Person
For those of you who may have been concerned.

U.S. Seeks Terror Advice From Cuba
So Fidel, what are the best ways to terrorize our citizens?

New Chip Mimics Human Brain
And worries about what other chips think of it.

Deadly Fruit Bat Virus Found
Scientists hope to stem the plague of this virus that turns ordinary people into giant fruit bats.

Americans Rule The Web - For Now
MWUH HA HA HA! Kneel before our I.P. Superiority!

Boeing To Eliminate 900 Jobs
900 employees go "Boeing!"

Volunteers Fight To Save Penguins
In their struggle against a dominant desktop O/S

Serious Crime Decline Continues
Meanwhile Zany Crime is at an all time high!

Archaeologists Discover Lost Cities
Buried under New York City landfills.

Landfill Becomes Golf Course
Lost Cities will be used as traps.

Outerspace Sailing Ship Unveiled
At last! The Lost Dutchman has been found!

Companies Can Dictate Time Off
No longer will employees be allowed to set their own hours and pay for same.

Man May Lose Transplanted Hand
On the all new FOX game show that pits prize money against the contestant's body parts!

Microsoft Seeks Government Files
"Maybe we'll just go and break YOU up!" says a haughty Ballmer.

Cracks Discovered In Ocean Floor
Damn it! And I just mopped that floor!

NASA Changes Mars Exploration Plans
"Maybe we'll just look at it from here," says spokesman for boneheaded program.

Weather May Be Threat To Song Birds
What those birds need is an Itchy, Scratchy, Sore Craw, Stuffy Beak, Fever so they can Nest Medicine!

Microsoft Defends Its Appeal
"We find our largest appeal among computer dimwits who wouldn't have a career if they weren't spoonfed our buggy daycare programming on a regular basis." admitted MS spokesman. "Where would we be without our frightened cadre of lock-step conformists?"

HIV Diagnosis Changes Sex Behavior
You don't know the half of it! A DEATH diagnosis changes all kinds of behavior!

Records Detail JFK Jr. Kidnap Plots
And if any of those plots had been successful, two innocent people might still be alive!

EPA: Wholesale Gas Prices Drop
And retail gas prices continue to rise, totally mystifying the government and Media alike!

Hey I have an idea! We have a kid from an Oil Baron family running against a popular incumbent party that is propped up by a healthy economy! So why not ask Dubbya to ask his Big Oil backers why they are raising fuel prices in an election year when one of their own is running for president? I bet THEY could tell us!

Protesters Threaten More Roadblocks
Roadblocks, being made of reinforced concrete and lacking the capacity for feeling fear or intimidation, remain unaffected.

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