HORRIBLE NEWS ARCHIVES

So shifty it needs its own separate article: Read the story behind the curious and unsupported "facts" as presented by the anti-drug U.S. government site, Media Campaign
Feo let's them hang by their own non-hemp rope in
TEEN POT USE

For this day of Tuesday, March 1, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

Jackscrews Replaced On 18 Planes
Jillscrews in the cockpit, still ignored.

Government Reverses Waco Statement
FBI caught lying yet again to cover-up their gutting of the U. S. Constitution, so what else is new?

Astronauts Close To Finishing Maps
But the largely male crew still won't just ask for directions.

Flaw Found In Mars Lander's Design
2 years and half a billion dollars AFTER the fact.

Justice Dept. May Investigate Site
And then again, they may not. Right now they're being very cagey.

Horseshoe Crabs Get Protected
Ancient life forms may no longer be used in games of chance.

Bones May Belong To Ancient Greeks
The first clue is that the bones were found in Athens. The second clue is that they were found deep underground. But I say they were Swahili, just to be difficult.

Honeybees May Aid Landmine Detection
Now if only we can get the little bastards to talk!

Some Stores To Get Irradiated Meat
It will first be tested on people living in the Southeast. Then, if they don't get sick and die or contract exotic illness, it will be foisted on us all.

McCain To Bush Backers: Get with it
I was going to write something here, but actually that headline is pretty good all by itself.

Typhoon Names Lose Western Bent
Will we sit idly by while these "foreign" typhoons attack our shores?

Man Threatens Sharks' Future
"If they don't stay the hell offa my property they're messin' with their heartbeat, I'll tell you what!"

Microsoft Debuts New Windows System
You want to know sick? This was actually a front page story instead of an advertisement!

Gore, Bradley, Debate In Harlem
"Despite my opponent's tenure in professional basketball," said Veep Gore during the debate. "I believe my voting record in public office clearly indicates that I am demonstrably far more down with the hood than he."

Truckers To Protest Fuel Prices
Except of course, those truckers who actually deliver the fuel.

Iran Reformers Win Parliament Seats
20 years of mindless knee-jerk extremism now seen as an admittedly bad idea.

The Blue Screen Of Death at an Airport. Never a Good Thing.

Greenspan Warns About Oil Reserve
"They are out there," Greenspan whispered nervously. "Underground! Where we can't see them! And they're waiting! Oh yes! They are waiting, people!"

Sears Pulls Benetton Contract
After having seen Benneton's Death Row ad campaign.

"How were we to know?" A Sears spokesman said. "Benneton was the last company we would ever expect to run controversial advertising."

Elephant Dung Made Into Electricity
This technology has polorized party leaders in Washington.

Arch-conservative Republicans, desperate to protect Corporate American Big Oil interests, want to call for a ban on all elephant importation into the United states.

"As you can imagine," says Dick Armey (R-Texas) "It's a heartbreaking decision for us all. We all love old Nell (the African elephant party mascot) and we were hoping to get her a boyfriend."

Bleeding heart liberal Democrats on the other hand, desperate to have a new idea that isn't already a Republican idea, are demanding that taxes be raised in an effort to fund their "An Elephant In Every Home" vision.
"As you can imagine," says Bill Clinton (D-Arkansas) "It's a heartbreaking decision for us all. But you can't expect people to support "A Jackass In Every Home" vision.

Killer Whale Freed In Japan River
As a practical joke on holiday swimmers.

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

Mrs. Clinton, Gore, Together For The First Time
Or so we are told.

China Ups Unification Pressure On Taiwan
Resistance is futile! Prepare for assimilation! You will become one with the Borg!


The Muppets Take Munich
"Achtung! Kermit der Frog here."

If you thought that Windows crash at the airport was bad. This is really, REALLY never a good thing! Photograph by JERRY YAU. airliners.net

Bush Attacks Primary Hijacking
Sniveling and wringing his hands over his loss in Michigan, a state that had been "guaranteed" to him by the boastful Governor Engler, Bush claims that the loss of his coronation to honest Republican John "Warts and All" McCain, was unfair.

Apparently Bush Jr. doesn't believe in "The Will Of The People".

This was in evidence ealier this year when Texas Governor George Bush Jr., teaming up with New York Governor George Pataki (a Texan teaming up with a New Yorker? You KNOW that something smells fishy!), tried to thwart the constitutional right to vote of his own Republican constituents by barring all other Republican contenders except himself from the upcoming New York primary (without choice, what is the point of a vote?) He failed in that despicable attempt.

So it seems rather weak and stupid that this pampered "Golden Boy" should be whining to Republican party leaders now like a spanked little Punk crying all the way home to Mama.

How Greenspan Became an Unlikely Icon
Apparently not ALL the "Easter Eggs" were removed from Windows 2000.

Bush Drains Campaign Warchest
Faster than his Washington Insider friends, the Republican party, and his many corporate contributors can fill it. And yet, he still cannot find anything nice to say about himself.

Indians Demand Meteorite Return
Meteorite, however, has issued a restraining order.

Hospitals Start 'Blame-Free' Error Policy
No matter how bad the doctors may screw up, they are now protected under the "I Didn't Do It!" clause.

Multimillionaire Groom Returns Home, Alone
He should have spent a few bucks on learning "charm".

Hackers At Your Door.
A "low tech" alternative to decrypting codes.

Fruit Fly Genome Decoded
Now we can create them by the millions!

Haiti’s Official Language Is Hardly Spoken
The official language is French. The self-important so-called "Elite" speak it as if that makes them somehow superior. The rest of the folk, driven to poverty by the stupid-as-a-box-of-rocks "Elite", speak creole.

Keep in mind that these sadistic "Elite" are the same dim-witted thugs who have gutted this nation's economy. These benighted despots are now rich enough to be lower middle-class in the U.S. and most Industrialized nations.

Earth Has Grim Future, Scientists Say
The long held theory of "Planet Heaven" is scrapped in light of new evidence and pessimistic projections.

Hasbro to Create JFK the Action Doll
With "Break Away" action head and Marilyn Monroe Dream Drug Den.

Watch for product tie-in cartoon "Super Jack", as he battles his arch-nemesis, the evil cross-dressing homophobe J. Edgar Hoover.

For this day of Wednesday, March 15, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

Report: Water Should Cost More
Says benighted nitwit, and head of the World Commission on Water for the 21st Century, Ismail Serageldin.

Next up for consideration: A tax on air.

Aetna's Plan Makes Its Stock Sink
Still more sputtering flashes of brilliance from the company that puts its customers dead last.

Russians Say Chechen Leader Captured
Of course, that's just the "official" word.

wink, wink.

Medication Urged For MS Patients
To fight the debilitating MicroSoft syndrome.

New King Novel Offered Only On Net
Amazingly, this hasn't stopped some rattlebrained folks from going to Borders or Barnes and Noble, and asking if they have that new Stephen King novel, "You know, the one that's available only on the internet?"
(This actually happened! People! Freakin' listen to yourselves, will ya?)

Bob Jones Controversy Spreads
But God Wants us to be racist hatemongerers! It says so in the Bible, PEOPLE! What are you all? A bunch of devil worshipping Atheist HEATHENS?

Unions, Wal-Mart Clash Over Butchers
But the butchers have the knives.

Mozambique Flood Victims Go Home
"Signing up for the Mozambique Holiday Flood Package, seemed like such a good idea at the time." moaned one soggy tourist.

Flies Said Answer To Waste Problem
A new and extraordinarily obvious solution from the University of Georgia: use flies to eat shit at hog farms.

Tornado Hits Milwaukee Neighborhood
And is given a hero's welcome as happy cheeseheads party like its last year!

Study: Brains Grow Furiously
There's no stopping them! Soon they will take over the world! They will control us! All of us! We will all be controlled by BRAINS!

With various degrees of efficiency.

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

Slow Recovery From Extinctions:
Once a species is extinct, Scientists have discovered, it pretty much STAYS extinct.

Return To The Lemon Sharks:
Bitter reunion turns sour.

How Should Young Criminals Be Punished?
No Poke-mon for a month!

Microbe Causes Toxic Pollution:
Major Industrialist and the most reviled polluter in U.S. history, Roy Dell Rimjob said the discovery of pollution causing microbes in California is God's own truth to the REAL pollution culprits.

"Come again?" I asked.

"You see?" he said. "It wasn't us pumping poison into the town's groundwater supply, that's been killing the local children! As the good Lord is my witness: it was those damn germs! Those damn pollution causing germs! Not my chemical factories!"

When this reporter informed Mr. Rimjob that these bacteria have been discovered only in one single mine in California, he turned his head to eye a fleet of tanker trucks driving onto his property and said. "Oh, they'll find those damn polluting germs here too. Amen! Any day now."

Top Award For Shamed CIA Agent:
Terry R. Ward, former CIA division chief is being awarded the CIA's highest honor this month: an honor you could not pay most people to accept.

Terry was fired after it was discovered that he was hiding important information from his own country to cover the aged ass of a sadistic Guatemalan colonel who had been linked to the murder of a U.S.citizen and the spouse of an American citizen.

"I know Terry has had his problems," said one CIA official, "but in comparison to the rest of us, he's a Good Guy!"

Meanwhile, the man who fired Terry is under investigation by the DoJ for security violations involving Secret files, his home computer, and pornography.

The award itself is made in China of styrofoam and elbow macaroni.

Shell Testing Robotic Gas Pump On Consumers:
Consumers flee in terror. The National Guard has been called in, but it seems that nothing can stop the Robotic Gas Pump.

The President is considering Nuclear Force.

The New Divorce: Rates High In Bible Belt:
Though lower after 5pm and all day Saturday and Sunday.

Bush And Gore Clinch Nominations
With absolutely no competition, the two presidential candidates win their party nominations by a landslide. Much to the apparent surprise of the media.

Clinton, Blair Want Free Access To Gene Map
Said President Clinton: "We'll settle this issue over who the father is once and for all!"

Spoiled Americans?
An idea whose time has come.

U.K. Court: No Suicide By Starvation
"Uh, ah, ah!" A British court told convicted child-killer Ian Brady. "You shant get off that easy!"

South Korean Bar Removes Nazi Decor:
Only after obtuse bar owner Hyun Sae-woong discovered that his beloved Adolph Hitler would have had him and all of his people exterminated or enslaved.

"I thought he was only going to slaughter Jews and Africans," Hyun said of his stunningly ignorant faux pas.

"Now I feel so genetically impure."

Twister Touches Down In Milwaukee:
But stayed in the airplane and refused to sign autographs.

MS To Enter The Video Game Market:
Frightened by Sony's announcement that it will use Linux as its O/S in future Playstations, MS is getting into the hardware market.

And you will buy it. Not because its good, not because it works, not because it is even fun; No, you will buy it because it is Microsoft and Bill Gates is entitled to your money.

Report: Cutbacks Threaten Shuttle Safety
From the dimwits who can't fly an unmanned satelite comes more encouraging news.

Martian Map Reveals Hidden Canyons:
But only after you press "Alt" _ {00$}- div\ ; C, then hit enter from the taskbar.

Haider 'Saves' Clintons' Marriage
Flamboyant Nazi dingbat believes he can save the U.S. President's marriage.

"Hitler would have wanted it," Haider said, flashing his WWHD bracelet.

Anti-Milk Ads Draw Fire
Witless nincompoop, and PETA campaign coordinator, Bruce Friedrich, demonstrates his remarkable lack of sense, reason, reality, and I.Q. by claiming that beer is better than milk and encouraging College students to drink more beer this St. Patrick's Day.

"College Students are savvy," says Bruce, ignoring the rising alcohol comsumption, violence, rape, and death via intoxication and/or drunk driving problems among U.S. campuses.

Put down the beer Bruce, you've had far too much.

Taxi Driver's Brains Grow To Store Map
I warned you about the brains! Didn't I warn you? Today its just the cabbies, but soon, oh yes very soon, the brains will rule us all!

On Background: Digital Democrats
They can virtually run the country!

For this day of Saturday, April 1, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

Grand Jury Indicts Man Using DNA
HA! That's what you GET for using DNA!

Protest At Mass. Biotech Conference
Horribly disfigured mutants turned out in force today to protest cavalier safety regulations. All protestors were isolated and sent off to various labs for further analysis.

Muslims Decry Al-Amin Stereotyping
"This belief that black Muslims are violent radicals is perpetrated by the white skinned devils!" said Radical hate mongerer and alleged fingerman in the death of Malcom X, L. Farrakhan.

Lou made his speech from the porch of a Klu Klux Klan hall where he claims to be working with said "devils" to establish a separate African State in the U.S.

Meanwhile in Afghanistan and the Sudan, the Holy bloodbath against women and children continues.

Update: NATO Takes Control Of Serb Bridge
After 10 years, thousands of lives, and $400 million dollars: 1 bridge!

Clinton To Give Pakistan Hard Facts
U.S. President Bill Clinton aggressively leaned over his podium in Pakistan today and made the following announcement:
"A proper regimen of oral hygiene includes brushing after every meal and flossing after brushing. Toothpaste makes an excellent dentrifice and you should visit your Dentist every six months! Failure to do this," The World leader thundered, "Will result in tooth loss and gum disease!"

"We know all this!" The Pakistani leaders grumbled. "Why don't you tell this to your own people in Alabama?"

"HA!" Clinton spat. "You think they'll listen to me?"

Marijuana Ingredient May Fight Cancer
U.S. Food and Drug Administration vows to fight report with bone-headed rhetoric. The Medellin Cartel fully stands behind the F.D.A.'s decision.

Mob Said To Infiltrate Wall Street
Ignorant thugs are working hard to turn the U.S. into a poverty stricken third world country and make their millions worth hundreds.

Rules Would Protect Wetlands
Aww! But I enjoy watching morons build their homes on Wetland floodplains - and then losing all their valuables to floods every single year.

House Budget Committee Passes 2001 Budget
So . . . the enema worked.

Gov't Said Unmoved By Microsoft Offer
The "How about we do what we want and you mind your own beeswax?" offer finds no takers.

Cisco Is World's Most Valuable Co.
"Now see what you went and did?" an angry Gates tells the DoJ.

U.S. Agent Orange Study Said Slow
The Airforce has been "investigating" the matter since 1981. With the small handful of researchers on the project spending about $7 million dollars per year for 19 years, chances are this "research" is going to drag on for a lot longer.

Rebels Resisting Russian Troops
Despite offers of nylons, chocolate, and cheap perfume.

Gas Additive May Contaminate Wells
But hey, it makes the air cleaner and raises the price of fuel!

Pope Deplores Plight Of Palestinians
"They don't have a web presence," sobs the pontif. "not even so much as a portal!

Palestinians Get Web Designation
No home land, but they get a ".com". Hey, the blood and sacrifice was worth that, huh?

Pentagon Backs Use Of Chemical Suit
The Pentagon defended sending soldiers into battle wearing defective chemical suits.

"At no time," says Pentagon spokesman Lt. General Tombo Gleeful, "were Army officers in any danger."

Mystery Environment Ads Tout Bush
Which is really odd considering just how bad the Texas environment got during Bush's watch. Anybody check those outdated measuring devices at the refineries lately?

Infamous Hacker Sought For Advice
First they held Kevin Mitnick without a trial year after year. Then they brought trumped up charges against him. Finally they released him and told him he could never touch a computer. Now the FBI is begging him to teach them his hacking skills.

"Vengeance is Mine!" sayeth Kevin M.

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

Crashing Into Mars
NASA unveils new goals to match lowered expectations.

Castro Expresses Fear For Elian
"I'm worried that the boy will discover freedoms and opportunities that I would never allow the unwashed common masses in my country to possess.

March Of The Lego Robots
Hey, leggo my Lego - robot!

Heartburn Drug Being Pulled
Because it really, REALLY burns the heart!

Another NASA Embarrassment:
Yet another "Oopsie" in a long string of "Oh shits!".

Teamster's Strike Causes Twinkie Shortage
A Twinkie shortage?
Hostess! Give the Teamsters what they want!
GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT!
There CAN'T be a Twinkie shortage!
NO!
This can't be happening!
Its not real!
The Y2K doomsayers were RIGHT!

King Considers Further Online Publishing
"Hmm, let's see now. I made about $400,000 in one day on one short story. That is more than I have ever made in one month on any of my books. Hmmmm. Do I really want to pursue this?"

Spending Sprees Drain Bush And Gore
But man, have they ever got a solid vision on how to responsibly spend YOUR tax dollars!

Men Better At Navigating Than Women:
THAT'S why we don't need to ask for directions! So there!

Most Bird-Like Dinosaur Unveiled
With a host of brand new knee-jerk theories for the year 2000!

Looking For Dark Matter
"Beneath the Refrigerator Option" considered and discarded.

Pilgrims Cut Rates For Israeli Travelers
New historical evidence turns up in Rhode Island dig.

Why Did A Snake Have Legs?
So it could get to the other side in time to eat the chicken.

Alex Trebek Disses Regis, Millionaire
Overtly jealous Alex displayed his petty tantrum to delighted journalism students.

The Jeopardy gameshow host, who has spent nearly 15 years reading the answers off of cheat cards, continued to make a ranting fool of himself for the next hour.

Prince Philip Ruins Aussie Cheese
Prince Philip (commonly referred to as "Homer Simpson without the charm." among the Palace staff), refused to wear a hygiene cap and gown before making a "royal" inspection at a cheese making company in Wagga Wagga, Australia. Thus a full day's production of cheese was thrown out on the off chance that Phil might not be the cleanest egg in the basket.

"But it makes me look like a poof wearing that stuff." The ageing fop of Edinberg was heard to say.

When questioned about discarding so much cheese, The manager shrugged.
"Not to put too fine a point on it," he said. "But this IS the Duke we are talking about. Best to play it safe and all."

Queen Elizabeth, long accustomed to her bone-headed husband's embarrassing displays of unrelenting ignorance, attended separate functions in Sydney.

Pope Hails Palestinians
"Hell! Pope!" shouted the angry Palestinian crowd.

"I said hail, not hell," said the Pope. "It's a greeting."

"Sorry," the mob apologized. "its the coffee talking."

Space Balls Found On Earth
They are touchy little chrome critters that will fly at your face and drill a hole in your head to so much as look at you!

Pearl Jam Announces U.S. Dates
Including a Wal-Mart wienie roast in Butte, Montana.

Bush Lands Forbes Endorsement
"Well," Says Forbes. "There was no one left to give it to."

McCain, Bush Chit-Chat
"Of course I slandered you John, I had a presidency to win." said George Jr. "Now hand over that endorsement or my billionaire buddies will buy your senate seat right out from under your old 'Prisoner-Of-War Hero' butt!"

Senate Race Dead Even
Actually, its not that Hillary Clinton is beating New York City Mayor Giuliani, so much as he is being beaten by the NYPD's coveted fondness for blowing away unarmed black men during his watch.

Bush Upsets Gay GOP Group
"He used us to satisfy his own selfish needs and has now just tossed us off," said a Log Cabin Republican.

Joining the Gay GOP's are their brothers in arms, The Park Bathroom Rednecks and the Ku Klux Kocksmen.

NASA To Crash Gamma Ray Observatory
Good idea! Stick with what you do best!

Study Finds Oceans Warming
And the seafood practically cooks itself!

Four Arrested In Boston Genetic Food Protests
"But we're not protesting! We just don't want to eat this crap!"

Gates Shows Prototype Wireless Device:
"But that's just a walkie-talkie!" said one observer prior to being escorted out by MicroGuards.

"The patent to this now belongs to us." Gates intoned. "So it has been said, so shall it be coded."

Car Shoppers Pay More Online:
Yet GM, Ford, and Daimler-Chrysler still cannot figure out why online sales have not caught on.

China Bans MP3's:
After lackluster download performance of THE HARDLINE PARTY'S FAVORITE DIATRIBES.

"You don't want our MP3s? Fine! You don't get ANY MP3s! See how you like THAT, smart guys!"

McCain Returns To Senate
"My fellow Republicans." Said McCain in his return speech today. Then he took a deep breath and said,

"My fellow Washington D. C. backstabbing, lie to my face, go for the billionaire corporate money trash my good name sully my wife's name, make me look like some out of control, quick to anger psycho Vietnam vet, toss a war hero and former P.O.W. over for a civilian pampered pretty boy with immoral high power connections and an insider, bend over for the oil industry, can't run a successful business to save his life, makes Quayle look smart son of a failed President that embarrassed our party but is still supported by my fellow Republicans."

John McCain took another breath and finished with,

"It is going to be a very long term you snug little chickens. Best grease yourself up and grab your ankles. I'm back amongst you now."

Embarrassing Bugs Hit Sony Playstation 2
"We knew it had bugs," says Sony spokesman. "But we were kind of hoping for the other kind."

In India, Clinton Calls For Nuclear Restraint
"Trust me," sez prez. "One Nuclear explosion will get much more attention than 100. For one thing, there will be more people left to notice!"

'Walking In Jesus' Footsteps' Pope Arrives In Israel.
But savior's big feet and long stride prove a daunting task for the aging pontif to try and match.

China Warns Taiwan
Spastic screwball Zhu Rongji, premier of China, never got up the nerve to demand satisfaction from the U.S. after our bombing of the Chinese Embassy in Yugoslavia (The boneheaded accident was brought on by our numbskull, laughable excuse for an "intelligence" agency).

His reasons for keeping his yap shut were clear. Give the U.S. grief and China may not get those fat Pokemon and Warner Bros. cartoons toy manufacturing contract. Let alone making all those Star Wars toys.

Although its likely that China would have got it anyway, Zhu knows when to bend over and when to stick it out. At any rate, now Zhu is tossing a girlish hissy fit at Taiwan, a land that has not been under mainland China's rule for about 100 years. Zhu is ready to spill every drop of Chinese blood (except his own of course) bringing the Taiwan people back to the Homeland (but not treating them as equals to Chinese citizens).

Currently, Zhu is screaming his fool head off and wagging his finger like mad over the very idea that Taiwan may elect Chen Shui-bian, the pro-Independence leader of Taiwan's opposition party (he got elected anyway. So much for Fear Of Rongji).

Hey Zhu! Hold your breath until you turn blue! Maybe the Taiwan people will surrender their freedoms then! Then you'll only have to attack Indonesia to sew up the world wide tennis shoe market. If not, you can always have your people make Pokemons for Taiwanese children.

Big Drug Bust
After 20 years of B.S. and the destruction of lives and family throughout all the Americas, the Drug War FINALLY gets real. Operation "Conquistador" nets 2,331 arrests.

You remember the Conquistadors, they were the Europeans who slaughtered the native peoples of Mexico and the Central Americas during the Roman Catholic Inquisition.

Bad name - Good bust.

The Almighty Doughnut
Young, unarmed black men in NYC have taken to wearing Krispy Kreme Doughnut uniforms while in public. The uniforms have a hypnotic effect on even the most benighted NYPD jackass, rendering them unable to murder in cold blood, as is their natural wont.

We're Not Neanderthals
Oh you'd LIKE to think that, wouldn't you?

Digital Sexuality Measure
Your fingers look queer.

For this day of Thursday, April 20, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

Spanish Beekeepers Fight Hive Rule
But the buzz on the honeycombs is: Its the law of the hive out there.

U.S. Won't Allow Taiwan Destroyer Sale
Clinton and his advisors won't sell the Taiwan people weapons to defend themselves from the war mongering Chinese government, but he did offer to sell them long range radar. Presumably so that they may sit back and helplessly watch as their doom flies toward them. Another brilliant move by Big Bubba Brother.

REPORT: Dead Harvested For Products
Well, where did you think "Baby Oil" came from anyway?

Hawaii Sued Over Tourist Traffic
Nebraska lawmakers upset over disproportionate number of tourists to Wakiki vs. Omaha.

Chemical Prolongs Gehrig's Mice
But they still miss Lou.

Marijuana Ingredient May Fight Cancer
U.S. Food and Drug Administration vows to fight report with bone-headed rhetoric. The Medellin Cartel fully stands behind the F.D.A.'s decision.

Canada Fires Help Pollute U.S.
We're just doing our part, eh?

Dairy Industry Tries New Packaging
Including aerosol cans and feminine hygiene applicators!

iMac Sales Aid Apple Earnings
Let me see if I got this straight: The sales of Apple computers is directly proportional to the earnings at Apple? The devil you say!

Politics Feared In Microsoft Case
No shit? Really? Do tell?

Vermont Body Backs Gay Civil Union Rule
A-yeah, . . . Ah that's what they did a'right.

Barak Readies Israel For Concessions
Israelis, as a whole, are unfamiliar with the concept of spending $8.00 American for a plain kosher hot dog at a ballpark.

Scientists Look Behind Sun
But the Mars lander isn't there either.

Cassinni Spacecraft Survives Trip
These days at NASA, that's pretty much a miracle in itself.

Can Play Station 2 Be Made A Weapon?
Just what was the purpose behind adding explosive bolts to the "Eject" button?

Update: Clinton Won't Ask For Pardon
"Hey, you gave me your best shot and lost, suckers! I'm short now!"

Mexico Refuses To Export Tuna
In the eyes of the Mexican Government, these Tuna committed no crime!

Japan Eyes Endangered Species Trade
And their mouths are watering.

Coke Chairman Focuses On Diversity
Get Ready for "New Coke II".

Ford To Distribute Booster Seats
Now when that jerk in your carpool won't wear his safety belt, you can eject his ass!

Search For Alien Life Gets Boost
Man! Those seats can really get some altitude!

Annan: UN May Fortify Lebanon Force
With 10 essential vitamins and minerals!

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

Protesters Cross Barrier Around Elian's House
Embarrassed Tholians admit that their software is still in the "beta" stage.

CIA Recruits Special Effects Experts
Now it will ALWAYS look like they are right!

Son Could Join Dad On Death Row
But only if he cleans his room first!

AOL Mounts Two-Pronged Attack On Microsoft
We call it our "Fork U" plan.

Cindy Crawford On Feeding Babies
Live cast on the Playboy Channel!

CIA Punishes 7 For Chinese Embassy Strike:
For the accidental deaths of 3 Chinese Journalists (who were imprisoned at the embassy for questionable journalistic ethics against the state), the CIA has punished 7 people. One was fired and the other six were given verbal warnings and letters of reprimand.

The punishment went something like this:
"You are all bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! You are bad! So bad! Oy! You shouldn't know from it!"

Then it was the Catholic Irish faction of the CIA to have their say.
"Ooh laddies! Sure an ye've brought shame to yourselves and your dear sweet mothers!"

Guatemalans Beat Suspects At Easter:
This is the time of year when young criminals dress in hoods and accuse other people, who won't give them extortion money, of the crimes the 'hood'-lums actually committed themselves. The townfolk of these ignorant villages love this. Truly a proud way to celebrate the ressurection of Christ.

In the civilized world, things are much different: take Vidor, Texas for example. Someone should.

Bush Pitches $1.7 Billion Housing Plan:
Funny how Bush Senior showed no interest in that when he was president and could DO something about it.

Candidates Raising Record Sums In N.Y.
As compared to the elected officials who have been raising Record Slums in N.Y.

Clinton's Efforts To Bridge Digital Divide:
"Add more and better government domestic spy applications to all software and hardware." says Big Bubba Brother from Arkansas.

Zyvox Approved To Fight Superbugs:
But Zorak and his minions will destroy the armies of Zyvox and their homeworlds.

Backlash Against Cell Phones:
In other words, whenever you find yourself in a movie theater, stage theater, concert, church, comedy club, or nice restaurant, Turn Off Your F*cking Cell Phone You G*d D*mn Inconsiderate #@$*&!

Archaeologists Think Stone Was Observatory
Then again, they did a lot of drugs in college.

Danger! Danger! Roaches Approaching:
Aw hell! That one is good enough!

Scientists Decode Three Human Chromosomes:
Thanks to their nifty Star Wars Phantom Menace decoder rings!

McCain Flip-Flops on Flag Flap
Plus more chit-chat on this n' that.

Rethinking The Dinosaur:
Modern X-ray of dinosaur fossil suggests that dino's may have been warm blooded animals.

Send in the knee-jerk theorists!

Prove A Theorem, Win $1 Million
You're an idiot. Now give me my million.

Rent A Cow In Switzerland:
What you do with the cow is your own business, but the Swiss are a pretty open minded bunch.

Lebanese Leader Hints At Mass Suicide
Israeli leaders are intrigued by General Antoine Lahad's "Give In To My Demands Or I'll Never Demand Anything Ever Again!" threat.

Doctors Sending Kids Into Antibiotic Overload
"Its the only way they are going to learn." say daffy quacks.

20/20: Investigation Of Alarming Medical Errors
As well as the amusing ones.

Utah Looks For Porn Czar:
And Mormon Elders of all ages are lining up around the block!

Manitoba Grows Potent Pot
(the following are actual statements)

"Manitoba is a brand that people ask for as far south as Florida."
"North American hydroponic marijuana is of such high quality that it has muscled foreign marijuana from traditional sources such as Mexico and Jamaica out of the market."
Brent Eaton, spokesman for the
United States Drug Enforcement
Administration (DEA).

"We do grow some pretty good-quality stuff."
"There's no doubt it's a very lucrative business,"
" . . . each plant is worth about C$1,000 ($690)."
Corporal Bob Ross of the Winnipeg
drug section of the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police.

Hey you dimwitted drug enforcement IDIOTS! There's a big difference between reporting the facts and ADVERTISING them!

Bush Flirts With McCain:
This comes less than a week after Bush Jr. met with Gay Republicans. Apparently there was some influence.

Gingrich Pans Top GOP Prospects
Oh yeah, HE'S a fine one to talk about who is and isn't a good Republican! Thanks again for the black eye, Newt!

Moral Compass my ass!

McCain, Ventura Meet:
In the tag team match of the Century!

Scientists Predict Solar Flares:
And other celestial temper tantrums.

Web Site Unveils Satellite Photos Of Area 51
Fools! They just WANT you to think those are photos of Area 51! Don't you see that you are playing right into their hands?

New Book Interprets Dog Body Language
Now you can tell when a dog is really interested in you and when it just wants to sniff your ass and piss on your leg.

Ephedra, Friend Or Foe?
"Any friend of Ephedra is a foe of Zorak!"

U.S. Supreme Court Opens Its Own Web Site
Featuring some kick ass Quake, Half-Life, and Unreal mods as well as really cool MP3's!

Bin Laden Issues Call To Muslim Youth:
"Join Me!" says Laden posters targeted toward children. Obviously his young brainwashed suicide soldiers are running low and he needs to corrupt a fresh supply.

20/20: High School Girls Go On A Crime Spree
Oh the things they got and the money they saved! Including brand name items!

Gore Adopts Bush '88 Strategy:
By blaming Bush Jr. for the Willie Horton incident. Needless to say, this goes Against the counsel of Gore's advisors.

Bacteria Cheat And Thrive
Why the little bastards! Is there no justice in this world?

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 3

The Following Headlines were from ananova.com

Scientists Could Have Found A Cure For Obesity
But instead they all went out for lunch at a critical moment and the monkeys got loose. Now we'll NEVER find a cure! Stupid scientists! Those monkeys are gonna pay!

The Link Between Spinning Coins And Black Holes
New theory explains both by combining mathematical wizardry and the forces of EVIL!

Doctors Report Increase In Babies With Flat Heads:
New Zealand doctors have reported a 300% increase in newborn babies with flat heads. Its not as big a problem as it sounds though. You just pinch their little noses shut and blow into their mouths until the flat part "pops" out.

Study Group Takes A Close Look At Flushing Toilets
While friendly clouds of hashish hang in the air.

Europeans Are Descended From Seven Women
So all the problems in Europe are actually Family problems!

Boat Boy's Future Uncertain
Its a sink or swim situation.

British Women Set To Be Europe's Heaviest Drinkers:
Good news for male tourists traveling abroad!

Man Jailed After Cat Fight
Yeah, those Cat Fights can really get you all worked up, can't they?

Wild Dogs Being Shot From Aeroplanes
"For crying out loud!" groaned one researcher. "Can't ANY of them fly?"

THE HARDCORE
REAL SITES OF REAL EXTREMISTS AND THEIR REASONS

Home site of the #1 False Prophet of the world, Hal Lindsey! He's had so many of his prophecies crap out that now he only prophecizes about things that will happen long after he's dead and doesn't have to humiliate himself anymore. and he STILL has his followers!
HALLINDSEY ORACLE.COM

Neal Horsely is neither racist or sexist, but he is a Christian man who feels that he is witnessing a great evil: Human Abortion.
This is the site that provides a HIT LIST for would be murderers of Abortion Clinic Doctors. Think this site is totally evil? You may be right. But now you have the opportunity to form your own opinion instead of just having it spoon-fed to you.
CHRISTIAN GALLERY.COM

Michael Jackson used to look black, but thanks to numerous surgeries, he's white (and possibly female). David Duke (now living in France) used to look Jewish, but thanks to numerous surgeries, HE's white! Read what new tricks this former KKK Wizard, (and still pal of former klansman, Sen. Robert Byrd [D]), with his poofy little doggie, is up to. The way he gushes over us white folk is enough to make me blush!
DAVID DUKE

Another prissy and effeminate hate monger - only he don't like my kind! In the interest of equal time I did my damndest to find a site by Louie, but no cigar. Here is the only thing I could find. Louie in his own words.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN

He made a movie about his trials and tribulations in promoting his book, DOWNSIZE THIS. The film, THE BIG ONE, was hailed by critics, but since it trashed liberal businesses (like Nike) and the Clinton administration, it was crushed by the distributor, Miramax, which only released it to 33 theaters (according to the imdb.com). Since then, to insure good distribution, Michael's curtailed both his freedom of speech and thought, making only movies frothing with liberalism and fanatically bashing everything else! Check out Michael Moore in his own words, but better save those webpages. He tends to erase his contradictions often.
MICHAEL MOORE