For
this day of Tuesday, February 3, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1
The
Following Headlines were from infobeat.com
Russian
Troops Battle For Key Square
With the KeySquare
they will be able to barter with the Gnomes for a -5 Armor class and the
Wizards will restore their health to 100%! Then they can go to the next
level!
Hatch Ends Campaign
Endorses Bush.
"He can have every one of
my zero votes." says disgruntled senator. Bush Jr. says he will happily
add Hatch's number of votes to the ones he gets for being endorsed by
Dole.
Study Finds Flu
Common In Kids
As any Mother could have told
these benighted eggheads!
Xerox Profits Fall 52%
Company plans to re-coop some
of that loss by selling copies of the report.
Microsoft
Expands Allies Roster
Will attempt to "influence"
the government into submission - and Microsoft can afford one HELL of
a lot of influence!
Update: Barak's Party Faces
Criminal Probe.
Which is never
a fun thing to have happen at a party.
Bush, McCain Dance
Around Abortion Rights. /
Gore Attacked On Abortion Rights.
And so the
dance goes on.
Coca-Cola Plans To Cut 6,000
Jobs.
As the unstoppable juggernaught
that is Yoo-Hoo gains market strength.
Indonesia Blames
Many For Violence
But never itself.
What To Do With
Bored Polar Bears
Teach them to play Canasta! You're
never bored with a really good game of Canasta.
Small
Babies Earn Less Later
Whereas Monster babies can write
their own paychecks!
REAL
HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2
The
Following Headlines were from abcnews.com
The
Church's Quiet Deaths
Catholic
Priests in the U.S. are dying at a rate 4 times greater than that of the
general population.
So
celibacy is NOT a good option.
Ex-CIA
Chief's Top-Secret PC
Former
director John Duetch used his unsecure Home PC to store Top Secret Material,
porn, and send e-mails to a Russian scientist.
New
CIA director George Tenet asked that John not be prosecuted. "He's
not some insideous Asian man in New Mexico," Said George before a
session of the Senate Armed Services Committee "He's just a simple
minded boob - like many of our people at the CIA."
ABBA
Rejects 1 Billion Comeback Offer
Eccentric crack-pot who made the
offer has been since locked away in a padded cell for the good of the
public.
Calling
Mars Again
Can get expensive, so why not
save the ones you love a buck or two? Just dial . . .
In
The Deep, Long Worms Live Long
Perhaps as much as 250 years,
if you can call staying in one place with millions of other worms and
doing nothing but absorbing energy all day
"living".
On
the other hand, they have stress free lives. They never worry if their
neighbor respects their opinion or if the other worm really loves them
for who they are, and not just because they are closer to the thermal
vent.
Doomsday
Cult Offers Compensation
The
perverse Japanese cultists that have murdered untold numbers of people
as well as injuring thousands with sarin nerve gas, now want to show their
warm and fuzzy side.
NSA
Confirms Serious Computer Problem
How
serious? Its so serious that training exercises - whereby randomly selected
U.S. families are marked for erasure - must now resort to paper and pen
for document alteration.
Amputations
For A Fetish
Your
pierced belly button and tongue are passe, little girl.
Haider
Coalition Approved
Hitler
lovin' Austrian Governor, Jorge Haider, finds loopy old Adolph strangely
compelling.
Threats
Around The World
CIA
Director, George Tenet apologizes for last weeks spelling error in a CIA
report that sent thousands of Americans rushing off to some of the most
hostile countries in the world. "We left out the "h" in
Threats." Tenet explained, concerning the erroneous headline.
Few
Comply As China Enacts Encryption Rules
China
has demanded that all companies surrender all information on all their
customers if they wish to do business in China. Companies, so far, give China a bright red raspberry.
NEWS
ARCHIVE
FEBRUARY
15, 2000 |
For
this day of Tuesday, February 15, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1
The
Following Headlines were from infobeat.com
Alcohol-Brain
Cell Link Found
Weaving
erratically all over the cerebrum.
UPDATE:
Diplomats seek IRA Commitment
But youthful IRA is afraid of
commitment and the responsibility it brings. It wants to have more fun.
KA-BOOM!
Scream!
Wheeee!
Camera
Ban On Ice Floes Sought During Seal Hunt
Newfoundland Fisheries Minister,
John Efford says photographs of the hunt twist the truth.
"The
truth," says Efford. "Is that I enjoy the cry of a terrified
baby seal, calling out to its mother in its pain while I gleefully beat
its newborn skull into mush. If we don't do it to a baby seal, we'll have
to do it to a baby something! We'll just HAVE to!"
Media
Execs Debate Ethics In D.C.
Wow! Media Execs of all people
debating ethics in Washington D.C. of all places!
Now
isn't THAT ironic? Don't 'cha think?
Banks
Warned Of Hacker Attacks
Only NOW they're being
warned of hacker attacks? Shouldn't this warning have come when they bought
the freakin' system?
Experts
Urge Hacker Awareness
"These
hackers just got to be more aware of what they are doing!" Say federal
cybersleuths.
"Is
crashing major sites all over the internet going to feed people, save
lives, or improve your ski11z in Unreal Tournament? No."
Hijack
Victims Request Asylum
Well,
you know, as long as we're here anyway.
Blackbird
Poison Program To Debut
This week
on FOX!
Gas
Additive Found In Maryland Water
And
it makes kids run cleaner!
Endangered
Hawaiian Goose Back
And this time, he's fighting for
the title!
Goldfish
In Blenders Spark Outrage
Its
a tired gimmick based on an old office fax joke - but is it art?
REAL
HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2
The
Following Headlines were from abcnews.com
Jupiter
Powers Its Own Storms
And
thus is not dependent on foreign oil.
Still
No Word From Mars
After
last weeks breakdown in peace treaty negotions.
McCain
Pulls Attack Ad
Senator McCain
tried using George Bush Jr.'s Attack Ad tactics and found them distatesful.
So now he is only going to do positive ads.
"Ha!"
Laughed Bush Jr. "HE did that because he is weak! I on the other
hand will be as ruthless, vile, immoral, petty, slanderous, and vindictive
as I please! I know the oil companies support me on this!"
So
far, this unrepetent breaker of the 8th Commandment has the full support
of the nasal snickering, squinty-eyed Infomercial Evangelist, Pat Robertson,
who claims to speak for God and Jesus.
Russians
Test New Spacecraft
Russians
say a test flight of a new reusable spacecraft was a complete success!
Even
though it is not totally reusable, they need Soyuz boosters to get it
into space - just like the U.S. Shuttle which is over 20 years old.
But
otherwise the reusable spacecraft is a complete success!
Except
they cannot find where it landed.
But
otherwise it is a complete success!
Although
. . .
In
The Interest Of National Security
Your Constitutional
rights will be violated and trashed thanks to the INS and their strict
enforcement of the Anti-Terrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act of 1996.
They
approve of it and so does Texas Republican Rep. Lamar Smith, Chairman
of the House Judiciary Committee's: immigration subcommittee, who said.
"The absolute suspension of human rights is what has made countries
like Russia, Iran, Iraq, and Afghanistan so strong and stable!"
American
citizens who disagree with the act may be shot on sight in the interest
of National Security.
Superstar
Jordan Backs Bradley
His
Mom backs Gore! Let's get Rrrrready to Rrrumble!
Fox
Scraps Springer Shocker
The guttersnipe
of primetime television finds some backbone after all. We're talking about
FOX, not Jerry.
IBM To Unveil New
Chip
Researchers
Say This One Will Be The World's Fastest! IBM says that it has a 4 gig
CPU RIGHT NOW! But they won't release it for commercial use for
another 3 to 4 years!
HUH? By
that time everyone will be long past the 4 gig chip! The 4 gig CPU chip
won't be ready for commercial use until its outdated? Hey! THAT'S good
business strategy!
Even though
they claim to have a working 4 ghz CPU RIGHT NOW, they will only
be releasing their 1 Ghz version Sometime this year. AMD and Intel
will have 1 Ghz CPU's by April or May at the latest.
IBM VP
Randall Isaac then made THIS stunning prediction: "These super-fast chips will be used
in the not-too-distant future to run Web servers and Internet traffic,
and increase the speed of data analysis and simulation."
Wow! Randall!
Yer a regular Walter Mercado!
I wish
I was the reporter at THAT press conference! I would have leapt from my
chair, held my head in both hands as if overwhelmed by the announcement,
and shouted in a panic of disbelief: "ARE YOU F*CKING SHITTING ME????
THE INTERNET TOO????"
And then
I'd have sat down, let my face relax into a look of bored complacency
and say :"Be still my f*cking heart. I'll alert the press."
Randall
also said that the secret of the CPU's great speed is - grab hold of something
now - in the chip's clock! |
