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So shifty it needs its own separate article: Read the story behind the curious and unsupported "facts" as presented by the anti-drug U.S. government site, Media Campaign
Feo let's them hang by their own non-hemp rope in
TEEN POT USE

 

NEWS ARCHIVE
JANUARY, 2000

For this day of Monday, January 22, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

India, Pakistan Trade Accusations
New collectable card series proving to be major hit with world leaders around the globe.

Turkish Party Softens On Ocalan
As the holiday celebrations wind down.

Dead Dolphins Wash Ashore In Florida
They left before news crews could arrive but local residents live in the fear that the zombie Delphinidae will return.

Tales are whispered of the mysterious Lather, Rinse, Repeat ritual.

U.S. Still On Y2K Watch
Though the Rolex still maintains its many admirers throughout the rest of the industrialized world.

GM To Unveil Truck-SUV Hybrid
Others raise concerns over automotive genetic tampering.

Small Earthquake Hits Alabama
A surprised shout of "Whut in the HAIL wuz THAT?" was heard from the many toothless residents of this otherwise sanguine state.

Scientists Grow Frog Eyes And Ears
Yet still refuse to comment on suspected lab disaster.

Answer Said Found For Moon Illusion
"We don't really have a moon, its just a trick with the refraction of light off of the cornea," said respected but frog eyed scientist.

America Threw Money At Its Y2K Bugs
And they all went away happy.

Clinton Attends Millennium Service
What other people call a New Year's Eve Party. Fellow party goer's were unsuccessful yet again, in their repeated attempts to help the befuddled dimwit define what people meant by "sex". Others were on hand to teach the Prez the "proper" way to smoke a joint.

Oil Slick Ravishes Small Penguins
While seducing walruses and plying sea otters with wine and cheap perfume.

Report: Japan To Develop Nuke Robot
It will be giant and indestructible. It will be run by a human brain. Godzilla will be standing by should the robot rage out of control during initial tests.

 

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

Smuggling Charges Rock China
Ones of tens of teenagers - hand picked from the ruling elite families of China's communist party - were allowed to sit quietly in a government bomb shelter and listen to a CD from the Heavy Metal band, THE SMUGGLING CHARGES.

Copies Of Nixon Tapes Available
And if you act now, you will receive, as a bonus, the Greatest hits Of Sammy Davis Jr. This 4 song collection is a must for everyone.

Suit Aims To Block Internet Primary
Because it discriminates against minorities and the poor. "But that's the whole point!" Says Arizona spokesperson.

Kerry To Quit Senate
So quit already. Who's stopping you?

Butterflies Have Ears
That's nothing! Clams got legs!

Sex Drives Gene Evolution
Gee! And all this time we thought it was abstinence that did it!

Needle Free Injections Controversial
Experiment brings researchers up on sodomy charges.

Bluetooth Consortium Faces Obstacles
Smokers in particular are leery of wanting blue teeth as the yellow of tobacco stains turns your smile green.

Greeks Astir Over Sea-Monkeys
Tasty critters spark new recipes for Old-World cuisine.

Motherly Love Boosts Bush
Oh no! Barbara Bush is stumping for her son! Its easy to say no to George Jr. - he's an idiot! But how can anyone be mean to Barbara? These are unfair tactics!

Gore, McCain Gain Against Bush
"But its all for nothing!" sobs one Democrat campaigner. "George Jr. has got his mother out there stumping for him now. She takes your hand, looks right at you and says: 'Won't you vote for my son?' How can you say no to that?"

 

NEWS ARCHIVE
FEBRUARY, 2000

For this day of Tuesday, February 3, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

Russian Troops Battle For Key Square
With the KeySquare they will be able to barter with the Gnomes for a -5 Armor class and the Wizards will restore their health to 100%! Then they can go to the next level!

Hatch Ends Campaign Endorses Bush.
"He can have every one of my zero votes." says disgruntled senator. Bush Jr. says he will happily add Hatch's number of votes to the ones he gets for being endorsed by Dole.

Study Finds Flu Common In Kids
As any Mother could have told these benighted eggheads!

Xerox Profits Fall 52%
Company plans to re-coop some of that loss by selling copies of the report.

Microsoft Expands Allies Roster
Will attempt to "influence" the government into submission - and Microsoft can afford one HELL of a lot of influence!

Update: Barak's Party Faces Criminal Probe.
Which is never a fun thing to have happen at a party.

Bush, McCain Dance Around Abortion Rights. /
Gore Attacked On Abortion Rights.
And so the dance goes on.

Coca-Cola Plans To Cut 6,000 Jobs.
As the unstoppable juggernaught that is Yoo-Hoo gains market strength.

Indonesia Blames Many For Violence
But never itself.

What To Do With Bored Polar Bears
Teach them to play Canasta! You're never bored with a really good game of Canasta.

Small Babies Earn Less Later
Whereas Monster babies can write their own paychecks!

 

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

 

The Church's Quiet Deaths
Catholic Priests in the U.S. are dying at a rate 4 times greater than that of the general population.

So celibacy is NOT a good option.

Ex-CIA Chief's Top-Secret PC
Former director John Duetch used his unsecure Home PC to store Top Secret Material, porn, and send e-mails to a Russian scientist.

New CIA director George Tenet asked that John not be prosecuted. "He's not some insideous Asian man in New Mexico," Said George before a session of the Senate Armed Services Committee "He's just a simple minded boob - like many of our people at the CIA."

ABBA Rejects 1 Billion Comeback Offer
Eccentric crack-pot who made the offer has been since locked away in a padded cell for the good of the public.

Calling Mars Again
Can get expensive, so why not save the ones you love a buck or two? Just dial . . .

In The Deep, Long Worms Live Long
Perhaps as much as 250 years, if you can call staying in one place with millions of other worms and doing nothing but absorbing energy all day
"living".

On the other hand, they have stress free lives. They never worry if their neighbor respects their opinion or if the other worm really loves them for who they are, and not just because they are closer to the thermal vent.

Doomsday Cult Offers Compensation
The perverse Japanese cultists that have murdered untold numbers of people as well as injuring thousands with sarin nerve gas, now want to show their warm and fuzzy side.

NSA Confirms Serious Computer Problem
How serious? Its so serious that training exercises - whereby randomly selected U.S. families are marked for erasure - must now resort to paper and pen for document alteration.

Amputations For A Fetish
Your pierced belly button and tongue are passe, little girl.

Haider Coalition Approved
Hitler lovin' Austrian Governor, Jorge Haider, finds loopy old Adolph strangely compelling.

Threats Around The World
CIA Director, George Tenet apologizes for last weeks spelling error in a CIA report that sent thousands of Americans rushing off to some of the most hostile countries in the world. "We left out the "h" in Threats." Tenet explained, concerning the erroneous headline.

Few Comply As China Enacts Encryption Rules
China has demanded that all companies surrender all information on all their customers if they wish to do business in China. Companies, so far, give China a bright red raspberry.

NEWS ARCHIVE
FEBRUARY 15, 2000

For this day of Tuesday, February 15, 2000
REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 1

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

Alcohol-Brain Cell Link Found
Weaving erratically all over the cerebrum.

UPDATE: Diplomats seek IRA Commitment
But youthful IRA is afraid of commitment and the responsibility it brings. It wants to have more fun.
KA-BOOM!
Scream!
Wheeee!

Camera Ban On Ice Floes Sought During Seal Hunt
Newfoundland Fisheries Minister, John Efford says photographs of the hunt twist the truth.

"The truth," says Efford. "Is that I enjoy the cry of a terrified baby seal, calling out to its mother in its pain while I gleefully beat its newborn skull into mush. If we don't do it to a baby seal, we'll have to do it to a baby something! We'll just HAVE to!"

Media Execs Debate Ethics In D.C.
Wow! Media Execs of all people debating ethics in Washington D.C. of all places!

Now isn't THAT ironic? Don't 'cha think?

Banks Warned Of Hacker Attacks
Only NOW they're being warned of hacker attacks? Shouldn't this warning have come when they bought the freakin' system?

Experts Urge Hacker Awareness
"These hackers just got to be more aware of what they are doing!" Say federal cybersleuths.

"Is crashing major sites all over the internet going to feed people, save lives, or improve your ski11z in Unreal Tournament? No."

Hijack Victims Request Asylum
Well, you know, as long as we're here anyway.

Blackbird Poison Program To Debut
This week on FOX!

Gas Additive Found In Maryland Water
And it makes kids run cleaner!

Endangered Hawaiian Goose Back
And this time, he's fighting for the title!

Goldfish In Blenders Spark Outrage
Its a tired gimmick based on an old office fax joke - but is it art?

 

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

Jupiter Powers Its Own Storms
And thus is not dependent on foreign oil.

Still No Word From Mars
After last weeks breakdown in peace treaty negotions.

McCain Pulls Attack Ad
Senator McCain tried using George Bush Jr.'s Attack Ad tactics and found them distatesful. So now he is only going to do positive ads.

"Ha!" Laughed Bush Jr. "HE did that because he is weak! I on the other hand will be as ruthless, vile, immoral, petty, slanderous, and vindictive as I please! I know the oil companies support me on this!"

So far, this unrepetent breaker of the 8th Commandment has the full support of the nasal snickering, squinty-eyed Infomercial Evangelist, Pat Robertson, who claims to speak for God and Jesus.

Russians Test New Spacecraft
Russians say a test flight of a new reusable spacecraft was a complete success!

Even though it is not totally reusable, they need Soyuz boosters to get it into space - just like the U.S. Shuttle which is over 20 years old.

But otherwise the reusable spacecraft is a complete success!

Except they cannot find where it landed.

But otherwise it is a complete success!

Although . . .

In The Interest Of National Security
Your Constitutional rights will be violated and trashed thanks to the INS and their strict enforcement of the Anti-Terrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act of 1996.

They approve of it and so does Texas Republican Rep. Lamar Smith, Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee's: immigration subcommittee, who said. "The absolute suspension of human rights is what has made countries like Russia, Iran, Iraq, and Afghanistan so strong and stable!"

American citizens who disagree with the act may be shot on sight in the interest of National Security.

Superstar Jordan Backs Bradley
His Mom backs Gore! Let's get Rrrrready to Rrrumble!

Fox Scraps Springer Shocker
The guttersnipe of primetime television finds some backbone after all. We're talking about FOX, not Jerry.

IBM To Unveil New Chip
Researchers Say This One Will Be The World's Fastest! IBM says that it has a 4 gig CPU RIGHT NOW! But they won't release it for commercial use for another 3 to 4 years!

HUH? By that time everyone will be long past the 4 gig chip! The 4 gig CPU chip won't be ready for commercial use until its outdated? Hey! THAT'S good business strategy!

Even though they claim to have a working 4 ghz CPU RIGHT NOW, they will only be releasing their 1 Ghz version Sometime this year. AMD and Intel will have 1 Ghz CPU's by April or May at the latest.

IBM VP Randall Isaac then made THIS stunning prediction: "These super-fast chips will be used in the not-too-distant future to run Web servers and Internet traffic, and increase the speed of data analysis and simulation."

Wow! Randall! Yer a regular Walter Mercado!

I wish I was the reporter at THAT press conference! I would have leapt from my chair, held my head in both hands as if overwhelmed by the announcement, and shouted in a panic of disbelief: "ARE YOU F*CKING SHITTING ME???? THE INTERNET TOO????"

And then I'd have sat down, let my face relax into a look of bored complacency and say :"Be still my f*cking heart. I'll alert the press."

Randall also said that the secret of the CPU's great speed is - grab hold of something now - in the chip's clock!

 

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CULLED FROM THE BOWELS OF:
News Resources

ABCNEWS.COM

ANANOVA.COM

BBCNEWS

CBSNEWS.COM

CNN

FOXNEWS.COM

INFOBEAT.COM

myway.com

MSNBC.COM

NEW YORK TIMES

REUTERS

 

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THE HARDCORE
REAL SITES OF REAL EXTREMISTS AND THEIR REASONS

Home site of the #1 False Prophet of the world, Hal Lindsey! He's had so many of his prophecies crap out that now he only prophecizes about things that will happen long after he's dead and doesn't have to humiliate himself anymore. and he STILL has his followers!
HALLINDSEY ORACLE.COM

Neal Horsely is neither racist or sexist, but he is a Christian man who feels that he is witnessing a great evil: Human Abortion.
This is the site that provides a HIT LIST for would be murderers of Abortion Clinic Doctors. Think this site is totally evil? You may be right. But now you have the opportunity to form your own opinion instead of just having it spoon-fed to you.

CHRISTIAN GALLERY.COM

Michael Jackson used to look black, but thanks to numerous surgeries, he's white (and possibly female). David Duke (now living in France) used to look Jewish, but thanks to numerous surgeries, HE's white! Read what new tricks this former KKK Wizard, (and still pal of former klansman, Sen. Robert Byrd [D]), with his poofy little doggie, is up to. The way he gushes over us white folk is enough to make me blush!
DAVID DUKE

Another prissy and effeminate hate monger - only he don't like my kind! In the interest of equal time I did my damndest to find a site by Louie, but no cigar. Here is the only thing I could find. Louie in his own words.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN

He made a movie about his trials and tribulations in promoting his book, DOWNSIZE THIS. The film, THE BIG ONE, was hailed by critics, but since it trashed liberal businesses (like Nike) and the Clinton administration, it was crushed by the distributor, Miramax, which only released it to 33 theaters (according to the imdb.com). Since then, to insure good distribution, Michael's curtailed both his freedom of speech and thought, making only movies frothing with liberalism and fanatically bashing everything else! Check out Michael Moore in his own words, but better save those webpages. He tends to erase his contradictions often.
MICHAEL MOORE

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