Feo Amante's Horrible News REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS
BRINGING YOU THE MOST HORRIBLE NEWS SINCE 1999, -
ALL FROM THE MIND OF FEO AMANTE. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
NEWS ITEMS BELOW THE HEADLINES ARE NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. IF YOU INSIST ON TAKING THEM SERIOUSLY, THEN YOU ARE JUST AN IDIOT.

Feo's Stuff

Literature and Writers Horror, Thriller, Suspense, and Mystery Movies Comics, Graphic Novels, and Anime
FEO AMANTE.COM HORRIBLE NEWS HORRIBLE NEWS ARCHIVE HORRIBLE FACTS

(feoamante.com) IS GREAT STUFF!
- Tom Piccirilli

HORRIBLE NEWS ARCHIVES

RETURN TO TOP

 

So shifty it needs its own separate article: Read the story behind the curious and unsupported "facts" as presented by the anti-drug U.S. government site, Media Campaign
Feo let's them hang by their own non-hemp rope in
TEEN POT USE

 

NEWS ARCHIVE
OCTOBER, 1999

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

Fla. Court OKs Lump Tobacco Award
State warehouse personnel ask that lump be completely cleaned out by Friday.

Davidian Lawyers Want To Test Theory
The theory is whether or not David Koresh really was, in fact, God. So far there has been no response from his end concerning the NEW MILLENNIUM TRIUMPHANT RETURN WORLD TOUR!

CDC Panel Urges Meningitis Warnings
Consortium of Meningitis manufacturers contend that their product is perfectly safe.

Reno: Puerto Rican Terror A Threat
All other forms of terror have been re-classed as minor annoyances.

Hurricane Jose Thrashes Antigua
Antigua has now filed a restraining order against Jose.

Russian Shells Land Near Grozny
There have been noises heard coming from within the shells, but no appearance of any alien life-forms at this moment. Wait! The top of the shell is unscrewing . . .

L.A. Panel Decides On Toxic School
After tragic Lunchroom Cafeteria tater-tot incident.
"We thought all schools had this problem." students say.

- Vaccine May Fight Prostate Cancer
- Exercise Combats Diabetes

All this and more this Thursday, but only on Pay-Per-View. Order Now!

Experts Puzzled By Black Boxes
They just started appearing one day for no apparent reason.

KFOR Accused Of Covering Up Killings
Says one TV station official: "We felt that it would be better to sit on it until Sweeps Week."

Fossil Found Of Unknown Dinosaur
New evidence turns up in Sun City dig!

Experts Explore Future Of Medicine
"In the future, say experts. "Medicines will be created to actually cure people, instead of merely treat their suffering."

Pharmacies Faulted On Prescriptions
"In the meantime," say consumers. "The future is looking pretty far off."

Jackson Softens Illinois School Stance
After having seen the video of the school brawl incident, Rev. Jackson is swallowing his fiery rhetoric, with-drawing his false accusations, and generally using PR damage control to shore up his credibility - Again!

Meanwhile, the Schoolboard of Decatur, Ill. smells blood in the water and is ready to sit down with the Reverend and do some highly confrontational showboating.

Gates Hailed At Microsoft Meeting
Shouts of "Heil Gates" were roared for ten minutes under the watchful eyes of the heavily armed MicroGuards.

Compaq Making Sleek, Cheap Computer
Boxy, overpriced ones no longer sought after by today's savvy consumer.

Motherhood May Sharpen The Mind
But Fatherhood dulls the senses.

Gates: Microsoft Fosters Innovation
Like infection fosters healing.

Jackson May Force Arrests In Illinios
Rev. Jackson has called upon the black community of Decatur, Ill. to help shore up his credibility. The Schoolboard of this town has has threatened ever escalating knee-jerk reactions and yet more grandstanding. Neither side is willing to play the Rational Thinking Card at this time.

Baptists Vote 'No' On Wifely Submission
Baptists from the state of Texas voted 'No' on the the issue of Wifely Submission. Said one voter, "Wifely submission may be fine for all those yaller jelly-Baptist boys in them there other states; but we don't need no namby-pamby, weak- willed, women 'round h'yar!"

HMO Change Excludes Mental Health
According to one HMO official who asked to remain anonymous, "We have been ordered by the high council to keep a tight and obsessive control over the treatment of those who claim to be mentally ill. This order comes to us from none other than the Neptunians themselves!"

Study: HIV Hides In Inactive WBC
The station manager at WBC was not available for comment.

CDC: Pesticide Sickens 123 In Florida
Retirees have been warned repeatedly not to dance and play in the Bug Spray cloud when the Pesticide truck drives by late at night.

U.S. Wholesale Prices Down In October
U. S. Retail prices higher than ever.

NASA Describes Loss Of Mars Orbiter
Using sock puppets and Mimes, NASA gave an entertaining account of the blunders that led up to the several billion dollars worth of loss.

USDA May Tighten E. Coli Controls
Up to now, E. Coli has been allowed to do pretty much whatever it wants. Republicans, meanwhile call for de- regulation.

AutoNation Lays Off 145
Executives congratulated themselves on their inability to sell despite huge advertising expenditures. Then they all joined in a round-robin period of self back patting for their holiday cost cutting venture.

Easy Form May Get More Kids Covered
You see, its a bigger form, hence it covers more area, hence . . .

Inner-City Folk Shopping Online
Search for the best Bagel and the tastiest dirtwater hot dog have so far proved fruitless.

Life Picking Up After India Cyclone
Houses settling down after same.

 

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

 

Crime Down For 7th Straight Year
Criminals say that large organized crime gangs are to blame. Our anonymous source says that "Large gangs are shipping crimes overseas where foreign criminals will commit atrocities for a smaller cut.

Airlines Offering Same Sex Benefits
In yet another attempt to increase consumer satisfaction, Airlines will now be offering travelers the same sex as they would get on cruiseships and passenger trains.

Turkey Quake Victims To Get Housing
Chicken quake victims must go home to roost.

China Says Weapons Are Y2K Ready
People around the world were calmed by China's announcement that their weapons were Y2K ready.
This was comforting news to those who feared that, come the year 2000, Chinese Nuclear missiles would be sitting dead in their silos.

Tiny Town Tries To Dodge Rising Lake
Wily lake, meanwhile, continues to rise.

Irene Lashes Carolina Coasts
"They needed a good lashing." Says Irene.

Peacekeepers Kill 3 in East Timor
Those are just the Peacekeepers. You don't EVEN want to know what the Warmongers are doing.

North Korea Cites Self-defense Missiles
Angered Missiles were not available for comment.

EPA Helps Gore On Animal Testing
Vice-President Al Gore however, has refused the EPA's help saying, "Leave me alone darn it, I can do it myself."

Several members of the EPA staff, speaking on assurance of anonymity said, "Fine! Be that way! We have our own animals and we are going to test them all by ourselves!"

Crocodiles Creep Into Mexican City
Meanwhile, Peccaries just waltz right in like they own the place.

Ventura Flirts With Presidential Bid
Presidential bid has so far smiled in response, but remains coy.

Medical Use For Pig Semen?
Now in both a lotion and easy-to-swallow time-release capsule!

Blacks Spending More On Computers
White Americans meanwhile, are curious as to just what, exactly, these "Blacks" are. Black Americans are said to be "Just as Curious as the white folk."

Whale-Unfriendly Plan To Spawn Mitsubishi Boycott
Greenpeace condemns Japanese car manufacturer's use of Whales as crash test dummies.

New SIDS Campaign Aimed At Blacks
Americans of every race and creed, still left in the dark as to just what Blacks are.

Nervous Bears To Try Herbal Remedy
Now they sit around staring curiously at their paws or point at each other and laugh for no apparent reason.

Air Bush Takes Off
Another exciting development in aerodynamic shrubbery.

Taliban Offers "Ideas" On Bin Laden
"Now I know this will seem a bit kooky at first." A Taliban official said. "But just hear me out."

Intel To Market Red Hat
CEO Andrew Grove personally modeled the sporty little pork pie for papparazzi today. Hewore his chapeau skewed to the right at a rakish angle.

Pioneers Aim For Mars
Target meanwhile, continues moving.

20/20 Looking For Overweight Children
"Huh!" Barbara Walters exclaimed. "They were right here just a moment ago."
The spot she pointed to was a large fresh hole in the tile of the 32nd floor studio. Coins were dropped into the hole to listen for echoes. Later, cameramen were leaning over the hole and spitting into it when this reporter left the scene.

Air Bags Get Safer
Now they are actually capable of saving lives!

NEWS ARCHIVE
NOVEMBER, 1999

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

Doctors Remove Girl's 3rd Leg
"Every two months it's the same thing." grouses surgeon. "I'm getting mighty tired of this, I'll tell you what!"

Sony Plans Hand-Held Computers
The tiny computers will clip to your belt, run on Windows 98, and be called CrashMan.

Baptists Expel Churches With Gays
Unable to force women back under their foot, with the failed "women under submission" vote, Baptist leaders, in a petulant display of temper tantrum, decided to beat up on fellow Christians out of spite.

Protestants Change Stance On IRA
One Protestant leader, with his arm around the shoulder of a crazed blinking terrorist, chucked him playfully under the chin and said, "Aw, they're not so bad!"
Per agreement, the IRA terrorist then lowered his gun from the Protestant Leader's head.

Organ Transplant Rules Contested
Referees ask judges for additional time-out

Astronomers Follow Meteor Storm
Most of them, not watching where they were going, have walked into light poles, out into traffic, and a few have fallen off the edge of the world.

Waco Investigator Gets Shell Casings
"My retirement gift was less than I expected." admitted sullen ex-agent.

Gore Grilled By Microsoft Managers
While Gates looks on; getting nicely toasted.

Global Warming Hurting Polar Bears
Polar Bears now forced to shave below the "tan line".

Pentagon Affirms Agent Orange Use
"I know we've been telling you all bare-faced lies about it," said Pentagon spokesperson. "Even under oath and for the past 30 years. We just wanted to see how many so-called "Experts" would take our side against all the "Conspiracy Theory" crazies who were telling the truth." The spokesperson then laughed, adding "Ha! Twenty years from now, when you hear what we've got to say about Gulf War Syndrome, you'll shit!"

A memo passed out at the press meeting re-affirmed the Pentagon position that "The men affected by Agent Orange were merely enlisted soldiers and therefore had no more value than a lab rat." No officers from influential families were harmed.

FDA Warns About Unpasteurized Juice
The animals had not been properly tested prior to being juiced.

Gov't Panel OKs Bowel Problem Drug
Panel gave in after watching detailed 2 hour live demonstration and video.

American, Delta Raise Airfares
Ticket Sales drop correspondingly.

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

Online Sales Of Hitler Book Challenged
"Mien Kampf For The Soul" appears to court controversy.

French Say Give Babies A Little Sugar
Prior to serving, to remove sour aftertaste.

NASA Sends Crash Test Dummies To Mars:
New cutting edge airbags are put to final test.

Dangerous Vacations: Feeding Sharks
From the same holiday company that brought you "Tickling Grizzlies".

Mrs. Clinton Slams Guiliani On Homeless
Who were just standing around, minding their own business. "First time I've ever been hit with a Mayor." says local reprobate.

Life With A Palm Pilot
And the comfort it brings on those lonesome nights.

Mars Polar Lander To Land On Friday
That's the day most Martians get paid.

Microphone To Record Sounds Of Mars
Local Martian talent's are hoping for "Big Break".

Hillary Announces Intent To Announce
Beyond that, she wouldn't say.

Exploring Mrs. Clinton
New porno video attracts attention.

CBS Takes Jesus To The Pope
Pontiff chides Christ for trespassing on CBS property, promises that it won't happen again. "We've heard THAT before!" groused CBS spokesperson.

Mask Of Normality Hides Serial Killers:
"These masks are much better than the ones we used to wear." Says local sociopath.

Status In The Palm Of Your Hand
Although for some, Real Status requires the use of BOTH hands.

10 Most Fascinating People Of 1999
Barbara Walters thinks Monica Lewinsky is fascinating. Hey Barbara, just because you BLOW somebody fascinating, doesn't make You fascinating! That wasn't "magic charm" potion that she dribbled on her dress.

NEWS ARCHIVE
DECEMBER, 1999

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!

The Following Headlines were from infobeat.com

Report Cites Prescription Death
"Prescribing death for patients is a whole bold new venture!" say excited Doctors.

Amtrak Plans To Pause Trains On Y2K
"We are not going to stop them," Amtrak spokesperson said. "We are just going to pause them while everybody has a chance to go to the bathroom and maybe fix some popcorn.

Clinton Considers Monument Proposal
"Can you take off about thirty pounds for the statue?" asks a bashful President.

2 Book Clubs Join Forces
The world is now at their mercy.

Inter-Species Birth Announced In Louisiana
Rest of the U.S. surprised that this is the first one in Louisiana.

Employers Pay More health Insurance
All 5 of them.

Life Found Buried Beneath Antartica
Intelligence found buried beneath Nation's Capital.

China Jails Falun Gong Members
Peaceful religious leaders may now be forced into slavery making Nike products, Star Wars, and Pokemon toys for American children.

Agent: Suspect Headed To Las Vegas
That's where suspects go when the chips are down.

Fed Panel Urged To Keep Web Tax-Free
Panels are always more negotiable after a good meal.

USDA Approves Irradiation of Meat
Beef, Chicken, and Pork will now have a "Healthy Glow" say Spin Doctors.

Water Supply Out In Southern California
Despite proximity of world's largest ocean.

UPDATE: Judge Denies Tripp Immunity
Linda Tripp now whining about having to endure the hell she put her friends through for kicks.

Russia Tests Missile, Warns West
"If this crazy thing should fly out of control and toward America, please don't take offense." begs drunken Yeltsin.

Americans Leery Of Mental Care
"They're just paranoid!" grouses one psychiatrist.

Feds Say System Ready For Y2K
But would not answer follow-up question which is: "The system is ready for Y2K to do what?"

Microsoft Says It's Ready For Y2K
Which is a wildly bizarre thing for the world's largest software manufacturer to be saying THIS late in the game!
Still no answer to the follow-up question which is: "Ready for Y2K to do what?"

Astronauts Prepare To Return Home
They prefer to be on the ground when the "system" becomes ready for Y2K.

Forbes Disapproves Of Gays
"I mean, just look at them. Where is their fashion sense? Honestly!"

Few Christians In Christian Land
Theme Park does not live up to Holiday expectations.

4 Arrested At U.S. Canada Border
Nothing in the way of explosives or weapons was found in their car but, What the hey! Its Christmas! Let's arrest them anywho! Douglas Preston and Lincoln Childs, the authors of THE COBRA EVENT that has got the U.S. President so worked up about terrorists coming into the U.S. from Canada, called the president to say, "It was just a freaking book, Bill!"

President Clinton, meanwhile, has dispatched a crack assassin team (trained at The School Of The Americas) to stand by in Chicago, Ill. for the Giant South American monster that he believes will appear any day now.

I Am Not A Racist
Despite his comments regarding kids with purple hair, Queers with AIDS, and Mom's with 4 kids; as well as his slamming of Asians, Koreans, Vietnamese, Indians, Russians, and Spanish people, Atlanta Braves relief pitcher, John Rocker insists that he is not racist. "Those are just my emotions. They are a source of energy for me - like eating Frosted Mini-Wheats. I let my true emotions get the best of my judgement, which would have told me to keep my big mouth shut regarding how I really feel."

Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig is reviewing Rocker's statements and threatened "appropriate action." Perhaps forcing him to buy a dictionary so he can understand just what the word "racist" means.

NASA Helps Santa Make His Rounds
It's cute that these wasteful "math-illiterates" still believe in Santa Claus.

REAL HEADLINES - LAMPOON NEWS!
PAGE 2

The Following Headlines were from abcnews.com

Monkey Genes Mixed With Jellyfish
Smuckers' new Monkeyjelly flavor sure to be a hit.

Einstein Is Time's 20th Century Man
A fuming and petulent Bill Gates cancels his subscription.

Jordan Is ESPN's Athelete Of The Century
In addition to being a spectacular basketball player and a lousy minor league baseball player, Jordan was also applauded for his business acumen in making millions off of the forced labor of the thousands of Asian slaves that make the various Jordan signature products.


Creative Giving Appeals To Rich Kids
We can all sleep more soundly, knowing that.

A Presidential Christmas Gift
In his weekly radio address, President Clinton gave $900 million in grants to housing, job training, mental health services, and drug abuse treatment. "And the best part is," says happy Bill. "I don't really have to pay for it!"

Clinton Administration Slaps Guiliani
Guiliani cries "Wee, wee, wee!" all the way home.

Gore Stunt Gives Bradley Earful
As evidence of his presidential qualities, Al Gore The Veep, has lazy lackey dress up as an ear of corn and follow Presidential contender, Bill Bradley around. At this point, Bill Bradley has yet to lose either his cool or class by pulling such a "Homer Simpson" gimmicky stunt. Gore insists that his "Corn Man" trick is further proof of his above mediocre intelligence.

Aids Vampire
I was going to write something here but, no. You really need to read it for yourself.

 

Return to Horrible News

 


CULLED FROM THE BOWELS OF:
News Resources

ABCNEWS.COM

ANANOVA.COM

BBCNEWS

CBSNEWS.COM

CNN

FOXNEWS.COM

INFOBEAT.COM

myway.com

MSNBC.COM

NEW YORK TIMES

REUTERS

 

RETURN TO TOP

THE HARDCORE
REAL SITES OF REAL EXTREMISTS AND THEIR REASONS

Home site of the #1 False Prophet of the world, Hal Lindsey! He's had so many of his prophecies crap out that now he only prophecizes about things that will happen long after he's dead and doesn't have to humiliate himself anymore. and he STILL has his followers!
HALLINDSEY ORACLE.COM

Neal Horsely is neither racist or sexist, but he is a Christian man who feels that he is witnessing a great evil: Human Abortion.
This is the site that provides a HIT LIST for would be murderers of Abortion Clinic Doctors. Think this site is totally evil? You may be right. But now you have the opportunity to form your own opinion instead of just having it spoon-fed to you.

CHRISTIAN GALLERY.COM

Michael Jackson used to look black, but thanks to numerous surgeries, he's white (and possibly female). David Duke (now living in France) used to look Jewish, but thanks to numerous surgeries, HE's white! Read what new tricks this former KKK Wizard, (and still pal of former klansman, Sen. Robert Byrd [D]), with his poofy little doggie, is up to. The way he gushes over us white folk is enough to make me blush!
DAVID DUKE

Another prissy and effeminate hate monger - only he don't like my kind! In the interest of equal time I did my damndest to find a site by Louie, but no cigar. Here is the only thing I could find. Louie in his own words.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN

He made a movie about his trials and tribulations in promoting his book, DOWNSIZE THIS. The film, THE BIG ONE, was hailed by critics, but since it trashed liberal businesses (like Nike) and the Clinton administration, it was crushed by the distributor, Miramax, which only released it to 33 theaters (according to the imdb.com). Since then, to insure good distribution, Michael's curtailed both his freedom of speech and thought, making only movies frothing with liberalism and fanatically bashing everything else! Check out Michael Moore in his own words, but better save those webpages. He tends to erase his contradictions often.
MICHAEL MOORE

RETURN TO TOP

 
Feo Amante's Horror Home Page, Feo Amante's Horror Thriller, and feoamante.com are owned and copyright 1997 - 2008 by E.C.McMullen Jr.
FAIR USE
-  PRIVACY POLICY -  OWNERSHIP -  CONTACT
All images and text belong to E.C.McMullen Jr. unless otherwise noted.
All fiction stories belong to their individual authors.
 
I'll Take You Home To Feo