EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS MOVIE REVIEW |
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The ads actually said, "from the makers of Independence Day and Godzilla" (a reference to producers Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich). GODZILLA! The one with Mathew Broderick. The one that sucked as few movies have ever sucked. They had the unmitigated freaking cojõnes to mention it in the ad like it was a good thing! Devlin and Emmerich should hang they're heads in shame! They owe me eight bucks plus two hours of my life and I want it right this second! And now for my unbiased review of their latest movie: Ellory Elkayem (THEY NEST [TV]) and Jesse Alexander (Alias [TV]) wrote EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS and Mr. Elkayem also served as director. The story takes place in isolated Prosperity, Arizona, a town about to die because the mine that employs everyone is going under. As if things aren't bad enough, a truck carrying barrels of toxic waste swerves to miss a cute bunny and a poorly secured barrel flies off and lands in a pond. Now this pond happens to be the spot where the owner of a local spider farm gets the crickets he feeds to his spiders. Isn't that always the way? The spider farm, run by Joshua Taft (the oddly uncredited Tom Noonan: MANHUNTER, THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE), is where it all begins. Joshua's buddy, geeky kid Mike Parker (Scott Terra: DAREDEVIL), notices that many of the spiders are already unusually large. Mike hops on his bike and heads home. Moments later the spiders make their move and that's it for Joshua.
The plot is incidental anyway. It's the giant spiders we're here to see and the movie does not disappoint. The effects are good, though still plainly effects, and the movie frequently goes for the laugh, as when a giant jumping spider attacks a wall-mounted moose head. The spider takes a bite then plainly says, "Ptui!" and spits it out.
Much of the story follows Mike and Ashley (Scarlett Johansson), the sheriff's young son and teenage daughter, respectively. Mike returns to the spider farm (against his mother's wishes) and sees a giant spider, but doesn't bother telling anyone even when the opportunity presents itself, because he knows no one will believe him! Thus he's the only one not surprised when the big arachnids show up.
First pets and then people start disappearing but when the spiders really show up...Well, that would be telling. So before I do any more telling it's time for a !!!SCIENCE MOMENT!!!: Another performance that deserves mention is Doug E. Doug (DR. GIGGLES) as Harlan, the local radio DJ on a very small talk station broadcast from Harlan's trailer. He goes on endlessly about government conspiracies and the coming alien invasion. When it turns out to be giant spiders instead of Martians close enough. This is a 21st century version of a 50's sci-fi flick, done according to the same formula, but well done. I give it three shriek girls.
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