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Review by
Kelly Parks

The Thirst
THE THIRST (2006)
CFQ Films / Mindfire Entertainment
Ratings:
USA: R

Being a vampire is thirsty work.

THE THIRST was directed by Jeremy Kasten (THE ATTIC EXPEDITIONS, ALL SOULS DAY, THE WIZARD OF GORE) and written by Ben Lustig, Liz Maccie, Wayne Mahon, Mark A. Altman (HOUSE OF THE DEAD, THE DARKROOM, ROOM 6) and Mr. Kasten himself. Man, that's a whole lot of writers. Let's hope writing talent is additive.

A hooker, who clearly hasn't seen enough horror movies, shows up at a seedy motel (is there any other kind?) for a rendezvous with a client. Things go the way you’d think.

Cut to Max (Matt Keeslar: PSYCHO BEACH PARTY, SCREAM 3, MASTERS OF HORROR: FAMILY) at an AA meeting, talking about how he's managed to beat his addiction but his addict girlfriend Lisa (Clare Kramer: BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER [TV], THE GRAVEDANCERS) is still using and has begun dancing at a local strip club.

We see Lisa working the stripper pole and doing a very sexy dance that ends with her puking up blood. Not a great finish.

It turns out Lisa is dying of cancer, something she's neglected to mention to Max. The tracks he's seen on her arm are from IVs applied during her frequent hospital visits. But now the cat's out of the bag and Max doesn't take the news very well.

Lisa gets a late night hospital room visit from a very strange woman (Serena Scott Thomas: HOSTAGE, HAVEN) who drools over her and then bites her. Not long after Lisa seems to commit suicide but I think we all see where this is going.

Max goes into a deep depression so his friend Jason (Erik Palladino: DEAD & BREAKFAST) takes him out clubbing. And wouldn't you know it, the goth club they happen to go to has an upstairs private room for vampires and their victims only, and guess who Max runs into? Lisa has no moral problem with lots of random strangers being murdered all around her but she still cares about Max so she helps him escape from Darius (Jeremy Sisto: MAY, WRONG TURN), the leader of the vampire clan.

The clan, by the way, also includes Lenny (Adam Baldwin: PREDATOR 2, SERENITY), a cross between a homeless guy and a vampire and the only one who seems to be genuinely having fun.

But what about me? Did I have fun? Well normally I have fun doing the SCIENCE MOMENT but this is fantasy so it doesn’t apply. And that’s too bad because that's the only fun to be had here. THE THIRST was awful and the committee of writers should hang their heads in shame. Bad music, bad acting (I'm not naming names) and ridiculous, inappropriate emotions which might be bad acting but is usually bad directing all add up to a one on the shriek girl scale.

Shriek Girl
This review copyright 2007 E.C.McMullen Jr.

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