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JOSEPH CROSS, BRIANA EVIGAN,
Have you ever said, "Hey, man! These adults are like squaresville. I wish there was a way to make them twist to our tunes, daddi-O." ?
If you were serious then my response would be the first step is admitting you have a problem. But if you were just kidding…
VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS was produced, directed and co-written by Bert I. Gordon (THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN, EMPIRE OF THE ANTS), along with Alan Caillou (KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS). A "based on" credit is given to The Food of the Gods by H.G. Wells. Feo and I watched this movie together and when that credit popped up we said in unison, "Yeah. Loosely based."
The story opens with a group of what are supposed to be teenagers (but like all the other supposed teens in this movie they're at least 25) dancing like maniacs near their crashed car. After the bizarre celebration of their near death experience they notice a sign indicating that the town of Hanesville is a few miles away. The six out of control pseudo-juveniles trudge off through the mud led by Fred (Beau Bridges: THE INCIDENT, THE KILLING TIME, SANDKINGS) and his girlfriend Merrie (Joy Harmon).
Meanwhile, at an upper middle class house in Hanesville, Mike (Tommy Kirk: MARS NEEDS WOMEN, BLOOD OF GHASTLY TERROR) and Nancy (Charla Doherty: IN THE YEAR 2889) are making out at Nancy’s house. Nancy's parents are away and it looks like Mike is about to make it past first base when her geeky little brother, Genius (Ron Howard: THE CHAMBER) interrupts. They shoo him back to his basement lab and resume the make-out session when an explosion sends them running downstairs. Genius is fine but his experiment results in an odd, expanding goo. A neighborhood cat takes a few licks and a moment later is transformed into a giant feline monster.
Now you would think this is a pretty amazing event wouldn't you? Well apparently not in Hanesville, because as a variety of goo-induced giant creatures appear around town over the next few days the locals are amazing for their singular lack of amazement. For example: when a couple of giant ducks waddle in to the town's teen dance club the music doesn't even stop. Everybody just says, "Hey, cool. Giant ducks," and keep on dancing.
The giant ducks (who later become giant barbequed ducks at a big picnic thrown by Mike) do pique the interest of the bad teens. Fred hears about the goo and sees dollar signs. His gang of ne-er-do-wells-from-rich-families-that-don't-understand breaks into Genius' laboratory and in spite of setting off a Rube Goldberg burglar alarm manages to steal the giant-making stuff.
This is followed by the one truly memorable scene: the almost nudity of the bad girls when they eat the goo (your witness, Dr. Freud) and grow out of their clothes. Fortunately they've been hiding out in an abandoned theatre and quickly manage to fashion togas and "I Dream of Genie" outfits from… well, that part isn't explained very well.
Enough of this giant nude nonsense! Time for a
Suppose you did invent a drug that caused people to grow to tremendous size. There’s a long list of problems with that, but they don’t call Ronny Howard “Genius” for nothing. So you take the drug and grow to be a 50-foot monster…over the next 10 years! Instantly? No. Think about all the cell division required for such a thing. Think of the energy required for all that cellular activity! Think of the children!
Oh, won’t someone please think of the children!
And before you can say, “Dude, like, what if their cells didn’t divide, but each cell, like grew!” let me point out that it still requires hundreds of tons of matter appearing out of nowhere. Not even for artistic license may one violate the Law of Conservation of Mass and Energy (hallowed be thy name). Plus, cells, like everything else, are designed for their size. Suddenly giant cells wouldn’t function properly (mostly a matter of expelling waste from the now super-voluminous interior) and would quickly die in their own poisons.
The giant teens show up at an outdoor dance party and announce that they're taking over this stinkin' town. Then they proceed to get their groove on. Can they ever be stopped? Can they ever be fed? Can they get naked again?
VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS is definitely in the so-bad-it's-good category. I give it two negative shriek girls.
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