Review by Kelly Parks

STAR TREK: NEMESIS (2002) Paramount Rating: USA - PG

Human cloning is a hot topic. It represents cutting edge bio-tech and generates strong opinions from a great many people. So they decided to make a Star Trek movie about a clone. Three hundred years in the future, when cloning will be as cutting edge as the cotton gin.

I HATE THIS UTILITARIAN DECK! THE FEDERATION GIVES ITS SHIPS NICE CARPETING. WHY CAN'T WE HAVE A NICE CARPET? WHY CAN'T WE EVER HAVE NICE THINGS?

STAR TREK: NEMESIS was directed by Stuart Baird* (EXECUTIVE DECISION) and written by John Logan (THE TIME MACHINE), based on a story by Mr. Logan, Rick Berman (STAR TREK: Insurrection, STAR TREK: First Contact, STAR TREK: Next Generation [TV]), and Brent Spiner (his first writing credit, but you know him as Lt. Commander Data). I’ll tell you up front that I really wanted to like this movie, partly because I’m a Trekkie and partly because I heard that the screenwriter, John Logan, is also a Trekkie. Because Gladiator won so many awards, Mr. Logan is considered an “A” list writer and his agent advised him against writing a Star Trek movie, but like any true fan he just couldn’t say no.

COOL MINT LISTERINE GIVES YOU THE CONFIDENCE TO GET YOUR SPACESHIPS ... THIS CLOSE!

The Romulan Senate is debating a petition by the military to allow a Reman leader named Shinzon (Tom Hardy) to join them in attacking the Federation. The Senate denies the request and the Generals leave, along with one of the senators, who leaves an odd device behind on her desk. It’s not a bomb – it’s much worse. Next thing you know, the empire needs a new government.

HERE, BROTHER: THIS SHOULD MAKE YOU SMARTER. AND IF NOT, IT SHOULD AT LEAST GET YOU TO SHUT UP.

We cut to a happy event: the wedding of Commander Riker
(Jonathan Frakes^: STAR TREK: First Contact)
and Counselor Deanna Troi
(Marina Sirtis^: WAXWORK II, TERMINAL ERROR, STAR TREK: First Contact).
Captain Picard
(Patrick Stewart: STAR TREK: First Contact, THE X-MEN, CONSPIRACY THEORY, SAFE HOUSE)
is the best man and gives a witty speech. Lt. Commander Worf
(Michael Dorn^: DEMON SEED, THE PROPHET'S GAME, STAR TREK: First Contact),
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge
(Levar Burton: THE SUPERNATURALS, STAR TREK: First Contact),
Lt. Commander Data
(Brent Spiner^: SHOCKER, STAR TREK: First Contact)
and Dr. Beverly Crusher
(Gates McFadden: STAR TREK: First Contact, THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER)
are in attendance. We learn that Riker and Troi are about to leave the Enterprise because Riker finally has a command of his own. Data is to be promoted to first officer.

OKAY, SO YOU'RE MY CLONE: BUT I WOULD HAVE NEVER HAD COLLAGEN LIP INJECTIONS. PLUS THOSE SHOULDER PADS MAKE YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS. AND WHAT'S WITH THOSE STUPID...

But before any of that can happen the crew detects a “positronic signal” from an uncharted planet near the Neutral Zone (the Federation-Romulan border). The only other thing known to give off such a signal is Lt. Commander Data’s positronic brain (with thanks to Drs. Daystrom and Asimov). A minor adventure and some cool action sequences lead to the discovery of “B4”, another android made by Dr. Sung, Data’s creator/father. This version was clearly a prototype and although identical to Data in appearance, he’s not very bright. Think “Data Gump.”

And yes, as I and the TV ads have hinted, Shinzon is in fact a clone of Picard. Now how a human ended up in the dilithium mines of Remus, led a revolt among the mining slaves and took over the Romulan Empire is an interesting story. A long, kind of interesting, but ultimately so exposition heavy a story that my mind began to wander and I started thinking about what to pick up at the store on the way home from the theater. Not a good sign.

But a

OKAY, SO THERE'S REALLY NOTHING HAPPENING IN THIS SCENE. BUT ANY EXCUSE IS A GOOD EXCUSE TO SHOW OFF MARINA SIRTIS! WOO HOO!

!!!SCIENCE MOMENT!!!:
is always a good sign! The show had plenty of the usual gaffs, like sound in space (Quick Plug for “Firefly” on FOX, the only SF series EVER to get it right – there is no sound in space). But I want to comment on something more general. As I mentioned before, this is supposed to be 300 years in the future. Think about what the world was like three centuries ago, not just in terms of technology but attitudes, beliefs, everything. My point is that for such a long time in the future, not much has changed. Other than a few magical plot devices like warp drive and transporters, their tech looks very familiar. I have a flat screen monitor just as good as the Captain uses. Maybe a little more imagination is in order? Just a thought.

And mining slaves? That’s a bad sci-fi staple but it’s not very well thought out. A culture like the Romulan Empire wouldn’t use slaves to mine ore. This has nothing to do with morality; it’s simply, vastly, more efficient to use automated mining equipment than slaves.

MARINA SIRTIS SIGNING STAR TREK: NEMESIS POSTERS AT THE 2002 COMICON! WOO HOO!

Plus, I have to take points away for switching from the phasers we know and love to Star Wars style blasters (right down to the sound effects) and for the poorly done goblin-like make-up for the Reman characters. But I add some points back for the Reman viceroy, played by excellent character actor Ron Perlman (SLEEPWALKERS, CRONOS, THE CITY OF LOST CHILDREN, THE LAST SUPPER, THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU [1996], ALIEN: Resurrection, BLADE II, HELLBOY). I didn’t know he was in this movie and I swear, the second he came on screen (in full Reman make-up), before he said a word, I recognized him: He just has that kind of face.

After all the points are added and subtracted the end result is three shriek girls. I really wanted it to be more, but what is, is.

This review copyright 2002 E.C.McMullen Jr.

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