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HORROR / THRILLER |
| SCARY TOP 10 | MASTERS OF HORROR | DIRECTOR |
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With this 10th episode of MASTERS OF HORROR, it's the turn at bat of Writer/director Lucky McKee (ALL CHEERLEADERS MUST DIE, MAY, THE WOODS). Something is looking through holes to the outside world. It has an odd eyesight, clearly not human and, judging from it's size (we don't see it, we see what it sees), clearly can't be human. The something makes odd noises and is packaged up. Next we see the shaking butt of a woman dancing to music. Her apartment is filled with all kinds of insects. She gets a call only to hear on her answering machine, her date for the night calling it all off. "Insects creep me out." the caller says. The dancing woman cries. The next day the woman is at work, having a conversation with her best friend, a hormonally overwhelmed fellow insect scientist (Entymologist) named Max (Jesse Hlubick: ALL CHEERLEADERS MUST DIE, MAY, IF, THE LOST). Max, barely repressing his constant state of horniness, tells his fellow scientist and friend, Ida Teeter (Angela Bettis: BLESS THE CHILD, MAY, CARRIE [TV], TOOLBOX MURDERS, THE CIRCLE, THE WOODS), how a lesbian should pick up other lesbian women. O-kay. She decides to follow his advice. Uh-Huh. The problem I'm having so soon into the flick is how cartoonish the characters are. Angela Bettis, an otherwise VERY good actor, plays her usual role of shy and self repressed individual but adds a gulping deep voice to Ida that is not only unbelievable, but one she breaks in and out of throughout the movie. It doesn't sound like a real voice, it sounds like someone making their voice sound deep. Everything about her friend, Max, is cartoonish from the get go. When he hears a phone ring he prays before picking it up "Please be a booty call! Please be a booty call!" Anyway, Ida discovers a girl who practically lives in the main hall of the building where she works. The girl draws in her pad constantly and you never see her face, covered as it always is by her long hair. Then Ida discovers a package at her door containing a live something. Her landlady, Lana Beasely (Marcia Bennet: BLESS THE CHILD), has a grudge against Ida though her grandaughter Betty (Chandra Berg: PRESUMED DEAD) admires Ida so much she calls herself Ladybug and prefers to go around dressed like one. What's in the package Ida gets, we still don't know. With a goofy wide eyed grin as seen through INSECTO-VISION, Ida gives a, "Hello big fella!" and the scene ends. Soon Ida is talking to Max about the bug. Things get stupid when Max, a supposed degreed entymologist, actually says, "Insects don't hunt warm blooded animals." THE HELL? Since when? Since when did insects like Praying Mantis' not hunt and eat small birds and rodents? Since when do bees and wasps not hunt and sting mammals? Since when do fleas and ticks not live off of the warm blood of mammals? Anyway, again, through fits and spurts, Ida coaxes the shy artsy Miss to dinner. The restaurant scene isn't half bad. Two painfully shy lesbians trying to make a love connection. Ida's love interest is Misty Falls (Erin Brown aka Misty Mundae: VAMPIRE STRANGLER, WITCHBABE: THE EROTIC WITCH PROJECT 3, LUST IN THE MUMMY'S TOMB, AN EROTIC VAMPIRE IN PARIS, SATAN'S SCHOOL FOR LUST, LUSTFUL ADDICTION, LUST FOR DRACULA, THE LOST, AN EROTIC WEREWOLF IN LONDON) who she finally gets to her place. What could have been a comedy ensues. As the movie moves along, the mystery bug gets loose and there is supposed to be a lighthearted montage of Ida and Misty looking for the bug, which includes lots of repeated scenes. No Horror yet. Nothing scary going on. Not even the ambience, atmosphere, or build up of Horror. There are attempts at wit and humor, but these are just attempts. The writing for this mess can be blamed on Sean Hood who wrote both the story for this as well as co-wrote the screenplay with Director Lucky McKee. Sean is known for writing such brilliant Horror Thriller sequels as HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION, CUBE 2: HYPERCUBE, and CROW: WICKED PRAYER. The Horror, when it finally arrives, comes in the form of foul language (Oh dear! Foul language!) and eventually a metamorphosis that will make you forget that SFX make-up man, Greg Nicotero (KILL BILL VOL. 1, KILL BILL VOL. 2, THE HILLS HAVE EYES [2006], HOSTEL) can actually create Oscar winning effects. There is a bloody gore scene so telegraphed and perfunctory - and over so quickly - that I started wondering if director Lucky McKee actually hates Horror movie fans and did it just to show his contempt for us. There is nothing of any "master" at work in SICK GIRL. But as always, the best part of the DVD is all of the extras. Jam packed enough to satisfy the curiosity of all horror fans and as such, elevates this movie up to Two Shriek Girls.
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