Review by E.C.McMullen Jr.

DOOMED Madacy Entertainment Rated: USA R

So many damn zombie stories, comics and movies these days. I tell ya, it's getting tough to find an original twist regarding zombies.

I know, why not a reality game show where the contestants have to battle zombies?

Hey, you know, that's just crazy enough to work!

We'll have five teams on one island, kinda like Survivor, and they have to make it to the other side. Whoever makes it there first, wins!

Kind of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD meets Survivor meets BATTLE ROYALE, but I like it!

And the contestants will all be prisoners! Cons who are going for the big prize! Their freedom and $50 million dollars!

Why ex-cons?

So they'll constantly be fighting each other!

Won't they be busy enough constantly fighting the other teams as well as the zombies?

I want everybody fighting each other! Screw character development!

Okay...

And... and the zombies on the island were created by an evil U.S. Government experiment!

Evil government experiment? That's as old and worn out as the evil corporation trope. Why not just go the Hitchcock or Romero way? Nobody knows what made zombies, zombies, it just happened. It's simple, elegant, and it cuts out a lot of exposition crap.

I crave exposition! ALL Horror movie fans crave exposition and it's cool to blame the U.S. Government for everything evil and bad!

Ok-ay...

In fact, we'll have it so that the Evil U.S. Government conspiracy is working with an evil U.S. corporation.

Kinda like NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD meets Survivor meets BATTLE ROYALE meets THE RUNNING MAN meets RESIDENT EVIL.

Yeah! Yeah! Cool huh? So it's not like, TOO original! We don't want a bunch of stupid Horror fans getting lost.

So how do you introduce all of this? Stupid voice over narration like in RESIDENT EVIL?

We'll go both ways! We'll have voice over narration, which EVERYONE loves, and we'll have this guy who sees a zombie in an Army uniform, and remembers a top secret something relating to the Evil Government and corporation conspiracy!

So its NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD meets BATTLE ROYALE meets the RUNNING MAN meets RESIDENT EVIL meets CUBE.

Plus DAWN OF THE DEAD 2004! The zombies will be fast!

You know, you just took a very cool concept and trashed it up with a bunch of hackneyed rip-off worn-out plot devices.

Yeah! But Horror audiences LOVE that!

How long will this inside man talk about all of this?

I dunno. Whatever!

Well, if you are going to crap it up like that, then I want a director who will deliver some very cool fight scenes.

You got it!

And excellent fast paced timing and editing.

Of course!

And some very cool gore.

I don't like gore. And we can't get fake blood on the costumes. I have to return them to Goodwill after we're through shooting. But we can add in some CGI blood effects.

CGI blood effects?

Okay, we'll add a little fake blood, but Horror movie fans LOVE CGI!

They do?

Yeah! They're that stupid!

What about nudity?

These actresses are actually experienced martial arts fighters, like Mary Christina Brown. They don't get naked at my prices and I'm afraid to ask.

So who is writing this?

Sean O'Bannon (HYBRID) and some guy named Patrick McManus.

Okay, so who is directing this?

Michael H. Su!

Huh!

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Now I have no idea if the conversation went this way, but watching this movie, I'd guess that something along these lines passed through the lips of Co-Producers Ted Chalmers (FAUST: LOVE OF THE DAMNED, ALIEN APOCALYPSE, MAN WITH THE SCREAMING BRAIN, DARKWORD), Jeff Centauri (SHIRA: THE VAMPIRE SAMURAI), and some guy named Hoby Ruhaas, whose name doesn't appear anywhere on imdb.com.

Three Negative Shriek Girls, for being so bad its good. And two Shriek Girls, for coming so close to being cool, then f*cking up a wet dream.

This review copyright 2007 E.C.McMullen Jr.

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