ALIEN 3000

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E.C.McMullen Jr.
Alien 3000
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ALIEN 3000 aka Unseen Evil 2 - 2005
Amsell Entertainment, Lionsgate
Rated: N/A

ROAR! WHO BE STEALING ME PRECIOUS GOLD, NOW?

Can you imagine a movie so bad that, in the first 5 minutes, you know it can't possibly get any better? This would be ALIEN 3000.

As close in quality to its supposed namesake, ALIEN, as an earthworm to a spaceship, ALIEN 3000 starts with the typical 3:00AM Cinemax opening scene of a young guy chortling as he watches through binoculars, two people having soft-core sex in the great outdoors. Much stock is used showing close-ups of her perfect breasts, as well as the chortling binocular boy.
( Casting Director: "I'll need you to chortle for me. Can you chortle?"
Applicant: "Uh huh! Uh huh! Uh huh!"
Casting Director: "Wow. That's some damn good chortling!"
)
A minor silent earthquake rattles a few pebbles off a rock and all three people re-group, one of them claiming that the earthquake must have been at least a 6.0.

The three suddenly notice a cave that wasn't there before. Deciding that the cave was created by a cave-in created during the earthquake (despite a noticeable lack of any rock debris that actually FELL from the cave-in), the leader of the group decides to explore the cave (right after an earthquake! Brilliant!). When informed that there could be aftershocks, he laughs and calls his friends pussies.

As with all cheap scripts of this ilk, every person is supposed to be angry with everyone else, sick of everyone else, and insults and shouts their way throughout the flick. It seems that every person says to every other person, "F*ck you!" "F*ck this!" "You smell like shit!" "They shit themselves" "F*ck you Motherf*cker" "F*ck a squirrel", "Pussy f*cking rabbit", "Tiger bitch!", (I've said Jiminy Gillikers so many times it's lost all meaning!) and all out of the clear blue with no reason at all except that everyone is an unlikable psychopathic dink.

Money shot
UH HUH! UH HUH! UH HUH!

There is the barest hint of ALIENS running through the storyline, what with the military getting involved to track down the vaguely Giger-esque alien and a woman that the military wants to go back to help capture it. Her name is Kate (Megan Molloy). She has nightmares of her previous altercation with the monster, and she's in a looney bin where the staff hits on her and her fellow patients cuss her out, laugh maniacally and - ahem (clearing my throat because here we go again)...

Every person is supposed to be angry with everyone else, sick of everyone else, and insults and shouts their way throughout the hospital. It seems that every person says to every other person, "F*ck you!" "F*ck this!" blah, blah, out of the clear blue with no reason at all except that everyone is an unlikable psychopathic dink.

Who wouldn't go back to face a dangerous monster after that? Unfortunately, the crew she gets hooked up with is exactly the same as the folks who discovered the cave and the folks who work in the hospital. Clearly we are not on earth but the Planet Of The Assholes. Sheesh! None of the group involved in capturing/killing the monster has any demonstrable skill or talent whatsoever (that includes acting) and trying to maintain any sense of character order around them is like herding cats. Why is that? Because in the new group - Ahem!: Every person is supposed to be angry with everyone else, sick of everyone else, and insults and shouts their way throughout the Blah! Blah! Blah!

Separating one character from the other is a fool's game since all of them have the same personality. Phoebe (Phoebe Dollar: TED BUNDY, DEAD 7, CREEPIES, GOTH) however, seems to be a crack-whore version of ALIENS Pvt. Vasquez. Only without the sense, strength, muscle, courage, or wit.

There is, of course, a character named Burke (Matt Emery: CREEPIES) out of some sense of homage, I guess.

The monster is like both the ALIEN and the PREDATOR since it cloaks itself. Very original.

The guilt falls on Director Jeff Leroy (CREEPIES, CREEPIES 2), and a pair of the most untalented hack writers to fall off the dumptruck since the last used diaper: Garrett Clancy (DEAD 7), and Scott Spears (UNSEEN EVIL). The actors might be forgiven because, after all, they had to follow the script and do what the director told them to do.

Now I have no idea what happened in the actual creation of this flick. For all I know, the script may have been brilliant, the direction may have been flawless. No, that can't be so. But still, the producers may have come in and totally butchered what otherwise would have been a sterling movie. But that's impossible for all of the stupid things that are said and done. There is no way you can look at this movie and blame it on anything being re-edited at all.

Some of these folks are actually graduates from U.S.C. film school, so they should sue for their tuition back. As for U.S.C., they should sue to rescind their diplomas from these folks.

Lorenzo Lamas is also in this flick (which is the sloppy wet kiss of death) and has producer credit. As nice as he seems in person, that's no excuse to let him get away with this. Ugh!

Movies like this almost make me lose respect for Lions Gate Entertainment, which helped to foist this crap on us. If anyone ever tells you that ALIENS VS PREDATOR or any other movie is the worst film ever made, be happy for them. They never saw ALIEN 3000.

ALIEN 3000 gets 1 Shriek girl. Kill it Before It Breeds!

Shriek Girls
This review copyright 2005 E.C.McMullen Jr.

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