ALIEN 3000 aka Unseen Evil 2 - 2005
20th Century Fox
Rated: USA: R |
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ROAR! WHO BE STEALING ME PRECIOUS GOLD, NOW?
Can you imagine a movie so bad that, in the first 5 minutes, you know it can't possibly
get any better? This would be ALIEN 3000.
As close in quality to its supposed namesake, ALIEN, as an earthworm to a spaceship, ALIEN 3000 starts with the typical 3:00AM Cinemax
opening scene of a young guy chortling as he watches through binoculars,
two people having soft-core sex in the great outdoors. Much stock is used
showing close-ups of her perfect breasts, as well as the binocular boy
chortling. A minor silent earthquake rattles a few pebbles off a rock
and all three people re-group, one of them claiming that the earthquake
must have been at least a 6.0.
The three suddenly notice a cave that wasn't there before. Deciding that the cave
was created by a cave-in created during the earthquake (despite a noticeable lack of any rocks that actually FELL from the cave-in), the leader of the group decides to explore the cave in. When informed that there could
be aftershocks. He laughs and calls his friends pussies. As with all cheap
scripts of this ilk, every person is supposed to be angry with everyone
else, sick of everyone else, and insults and shouts their way throughout
the flick. It seems that every person says to every other person, "F*ck
you!" "F*ck this!" "You smell like shit!" "They
shit themselves" "F*ck you Motherf*cker" "F*ck a squirrel",
"Pussy f*cking rabbit", "Tiger bitch!", (I've
said Jiminy Gillikers so many times its lost all meaning!)
and all out of the clear blue with no reason at all except that everyone
is an unlikable psychopathic dink.
There is the barest hint of ALIENS running through
the storyline, what with the military getting involved to track down the
vaguely Giger-esque alien and a woman that the military wants to go back
to help capture. Her name is Kate (Megan Molloy), she has nightmares of her previous altercation with the monster, and she's
in a looney bin where the staff hits on her and her fellow patients cuss
her out, laugh maniacally and - ahem (clearing my throat because here we go again)...
Every person is supposed to be angry with everyone else, sick of everyone else, and insults and shouts their way throughout
the hospital. It seems that every person says to every other person, "F*ck
you!" "F*ck this!" blah, blah, out of the clear blue with no reason at all except that everyone
is an unlikable psychopathic dink.
Who wouldn't go back to face a dangerous monster after that? Unfortunately, the crew she gets hooked up with is exactly the same as the folks who discovered the cave and the folks who work in the hospital. Clearly we are not on earth but the planet of the assholes. Sheesh! None of the group involved in capturing/killing the monster have any skill or talent whatsoever and trying to maintain any sense of order around them is like herding cats. Why is that? Because in the new group - Ahem!: Every person is supposed to be angry with everyone else, sick of everyone else, and insults and shouts their way throughout
the Blah! Blah! Blah!
Separating one character from the other is a fool's game since all of them have the
same personality. Phoebe (Phoebe Dollar: TED BUNDY, DEAD 7, CREEPIES, GOTH) however, seems to be a crack-whore version
of ALIENS Pvt. Vasquez. Only without the sense, strength, muscle, courage, or wit.
There is, of course, a character named Burke (Matt Emery: CREEPIES) out of some sense of homage, I guess.
The monster is like both the ALIEN and the PREDATOR since it cloaks itself.
Very original.
The guilt falls on Director Jeff Leroy (CREEPIES, CREEPIES 2), and a pair of the most untalented hack writers to fall off the dumptruck since the last used diaper; Garrett Clancy (DEAD 7), and Scott Spears (UNSEEN EVIL). The actors might be forgiven because, after all, they had to follow the script and do what the director told them to do.
Now I have no idea what happened in the actual creation of this flick. For all I know, the script may have been brilliant, the direction may have been flawless. No, that can't be so. But still, the producers may have come in and totally butchered what otherwise would have been a sterling movie. But that's impossible for all of the stupid things that are said and done. There is no way you can look at this movie and blame it on anything being re-edited at all.
Some of these folks are actually graduates from U.S.C. film school, so they should sue
for their tuition back. As for U.S.C., they should sue to rescind their diplomas from these folks.
Lorenzo Lamas is also in this flick (which is the wet kiss of death) and has producer credit. As nice as he seems
in person, that's no excuse to let him get away with this. Ugh!
Movies like this almost make me lose respect for Lions Gate Entertainment, which helped
to foist this crap on us. If anyone ever tells you that ALIENS VS PREDATOR or any other movie is the worst film ever made, be happy for them. They
never saw ALIEN 3000.
ALIEN 3000 gets 1 Shriek girl. Kill it Before It Breeds!
This review
copyright 2005 E.C.McMullen Jr.
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